Am I in a toxic relationship?

[brokennottorn]

This will sound nuts but I’m really hurting right now and I don’t know what I should do. I’m desperate, I am so sorry. It’s a long story.

i am divorced in my 40s and recently got back together with an old bf from my teenage years. He’s a bit older & in my parents’ country (think like Asian family). I have a house there & I’ve been back to see him about 3 or 4 times. He says he loves me & always did & how he felt we were always meant to be. Everyone else says similar, that he was waiting for me. He never married & only had v superficial relationships, maybe 2 sex partners, the others just kisses. It’s a conservative culture (like Muslim) so it makes sense he’s had limited experience.

I have a lot of trauma. Violent household & neglected, borderline sex abuse. My mum died when I was a teen & dad is violent alcoholic. I have a diagnosis of ASD.

I need clarity in a relationship. I’ve had failure after failure. My bf is really upset that I had so many sexual partners. He was jealous at first. Now he’s better.

BUT he won’t tell me his “stuff” clearly. he won’t tell me his past. He told me a bit, but the most recent stuff is in the shadows. Occasionally he will give snippets “she was married, it was just a kiss” but I know he’s holding info. He says out of respect for these women that he won’t tell me who they were but that makes me even more angry. Why should he know mine but I don’t know his? I guess there are cultural differences around shame. I’m so angry. Unfortunately I get shouty and I need to control my anger big time. When he told me about a past fling with someone “taken”, I really lost my rag and kicked him & spat at him. I’m so ashamed. We discussed it at length & he said he loves me so much, he could leave but returned & keeps returning because something holds him back & its his love for me.

in exhausted. I’m not used to being loved. I hate this feeling of not knowing things. I feel like he’s keeping secrets with other women & it makes me mad that he labels it under “respect” while I am made to feel dirty or sex mad or promiscuous - and I am none of those.

I was having therapy & it was helping me to be a less ragey person. He didnt like me seeing my therapist, so I stopped for a bit, but she is still there if I need her. She said: “it’s all in the past. You can’t control or change the past. Let it lie”. She showed me ways to change the conversation so we don’t fall back to talking about the past, but it happens a lot. Tonight he got me to talk about my stuff “I want to know your reactions” but when I asked his, “it doesn’t matter”. I yried to make him understand there is imbalance.

I am so confused. Is this toxic? Is it a codependent relationship? I love him but he doesn’t always see things my way. But maybe in a relationship you shouldn’t have to insist the other sees it your way. maybe he’s right, his stuff is his. Do I accept he holds these secrets & that I can’t trust him?

I don’t want to be angry but I feel like a child who is being teased. Added to this is distance and the fact we can’t just hug & make up. I hate it.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are the toxic one here
why do you need to know his past ? Physically and emotionally abused him because he told you, he had an affair with a married person which has nothing to do with you, and was well before you
you are in a new relationship with him and you should draw a line of the past and move on. You obviously have trauma issues relating to your past marriage and I don’t think you should be in a relationship. You need to get therapy seek help for yourself and your mental health and once you are better mentally and emotionally, only then should you be embarking on a new relationship . you need to spend a good couple of years on your own and in therapy
surround yourself with close friends and family, who love you, and leave the relationships alone for now
you are in no fit state, and as you say, it’s a long distance relationship which will also create its own issues. You are better off ending it

Yes, you are in a toxic relationship.

There is no reason for either of you to be discussing past relationships in that sort of detail. It’s not ‘keeping secrets’, it’s none of your (or his) business.

Break up and go back to therapy.

Thank you. I am wondering if I am the toxic one & how to deal with it.

On good days i rationalise that I don’t have a right to know his stuff. We get by without him raising my past & then I don’t need to think about his. But I feel cheated when he wants to know mine. All the minuscule details - how many times, penis size, positions, which dates.I have become better at stopping the detail and saying it won’t help, but not always, and this is something I need to concentrate on.

He didn’t say it was an affair, but many flings, the last one clearly not long before me. . In each fling, it was a kiss or failed ONS with no intention of anything serious . I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse.

you are in a new relationship with him and you should draw a line of the past and move on.
This is hugely important. I am trying so hard.

my trauma issues are about my father rather than my past marriage. That ended fairly & well. My exh was not a vindictive man like this and I feel like it was one of the only relationships where I didn’t feeL wound up or untrusting.

thank you for advice. I’m considering if I should be alone. I was alone for 2 years before this & they were pretty stable & I was strong. Like you suggest, I surrounded myself with loving friends and family. Now I feel I am in scary territory and like i lost my balance. am I really incapable of ever having a healthy relationship?

Thank you. It hurts but I need confirmation & understanding of why. Yes, that’s true about past relationship discussions. At first they were to work out what we’d done in those 30 intervening years. He thought I had only slept with my ex husb and maybe 1 other. We’ve made it too much of the other’s business.

So did you spill all your past relationship history because he asked or you couldn't help yourself for some reason? His past is none of your business and you have no right to quizz him and ask details, meanwhile, your past - well you told him - is your business too, so how come he knows?

He asked me. In the spirit of openness, I told him. He keeps saying I can trust him, and at the time I believed it & thought he’d tell me his. I’ve never used it against him, I’ve answered all his questions. At one stage I said - we need to learn to stop talking about the past, draw a line & move on - but he keeps coming back to mine.

His past, by your own admission, is more limited than yours. You say he's got over yours, so why can't you do him the same courtesy and get over his?
It hurts because you are an insecure hypocrite, ludicrously unrealistic in the hope he waited just for you and did nothing for 30 years. Tbf, if you kept bringing this up and pestering for info, no I would form the opinion that you could be a mad bunny boiler and dump. You do sound a tad unhinged, and that's not his fault.

I wonder if I can ask you all another question. “Why do you need to know his past?”
I ask myself this a lot. Sometimes the answer is:
because he knows mine, because he says i can trust him, because I want to know who these women were so I can stay away from them (it’s a small town). The last one is the biggest - I feel a bit humiliated, like everyone else knows something I don’t. OTOH the relationship is very strong and much of the time I’ve learnt to put that aside too, and to concentrate on now .

Is it normal to want to know the past? I don’t think it was much of an issue with my husband.

I don’t believe he has got over mine. He raises it frequently & uses it against me, so I end up drawing examples on why it was not-that-way, or this-way or whatever. I don’t particularly believe the “waited for me” story. I think it’s something he tells himself & others to make himself feel better. I believe he’s incapable of having a relationship, too. I don’t pester him, I bring it up when he brings mine up. It’s unfair that he can use mine in arguments & when it suits him, but I can’t use his - he always changes his versions, too, which also feels unfair. The best outcome would be where neither of us raises it.

Ah, here we have it. You've been naive, 'spirit of openness' does not exist in dating, never did. The only people who ask you and want you to give details, are people who will then use it against you, the rest just don't ask as its irrelevant.
You've learned the hard way that you've given a jealous man all the ammunition he needs to berate you with till the end of time.
I'd say there's no coming back from that. Time to move on, and next time just don't give such free info, especially if someone asks, it's a bad sign to be asking. Just say you are not interested in talking about the past as you've moved on.

That’s interesting, @Opentooffers . I’m often accused of being naive. Maybe my ASD has made me too blunt. Really? Is that true - that the only people who and want details, are tjose who will then use it against? That makes sense. My. ex husb was not like this at all & I think maybe we had about 1 discussion early on then didn’t refer to the past at all.

This is interesting. Yes, that’s exactly how it feels. Like he has ammunition against me, that’s exactly how I worded it to him earlier.

if I want to stay with him? What do I do then? I can’t change the facts, but I can (and must£ change my reaction. maybe if I stay with him I can learn to say that i am not interested in talking about the past and that I’ve moved on. In fact, I think this is what has been working most recently. Maybe I should have done that more.

You need to make a deal that neither of you is entitled to ask the other person or bring it up. if he breaks this deal then there is no future. Tell him and give him time to process it before contacting you back with his decision.

Your reaction to him revealing very little is abusive OP. Kicking is awful, spitting on someone is beyond the pale. I think you need to fully acknowledge that before you do anything.

DP doesn't share details of his past conquests with me out of respect for the women. I've never heard him say a bad word about any of his exes. I really struggled with this (exDP left me for an ex) but actually it's a green flag.

@brokennottorn
You write, ' I really lost my rag and kicked him & spat at him.'
You are not in a fit state to be in a relationship. To be violent towards him is a huge red flag. It is completely unacceptable and you cannot minimise this or turn it on him. You need to leave him alone and stop justifying your obsession with his past.

Nope, he needs to STOP grilling you - and the details he’s asking? That is cruel.
the biggest red flag for me here is that he didn’t want you to see your therapist.

the only man who was that way with me was a predator and definitely abusive, and I couldn’t tell because he acted the sweet victim so well. He manipulated me by seeming so helpless, and yet didn’t want me to see a therapist.

keep on with your therapist. Your life and health are worth far more than this dude. I do not care about the word “love.” He’s not treating you in a loving way by pressing you for info and then withholding reciprocal sharing.
men often see information and personal things as power.

don’t tell him any more. Don’t tell him one damn thing. Keep your cards close to your chest, and notice how remaining silent begins to make you feel powerful. That’s exactly what he’s doing. And yet he wants your past all laid bare in front of him, with ALL the details, not only making you relive trauma, but then using it against you?

oh hell no. This is no good.

and the one who said “you’re the toxic one” is wrong. This is what ptsd looks like. This kind of emotional reaction is what unhealed trauma looks like. This is a part of you fighting against this man withholding from you exactly what he asked you to give. And while it’s not healthy to share your pasts, I’m really quite surprised no one has seen to what is going on underneath this.

it’s about power, humiliation, and control.

do not let him do this to you.

@Newnamehiwhodis
Do you believe that violence against men is acceptable?
Do you think that if the OP had been kicked and spat at it would be ok?
I don't think many posters on MN think violence is acceptable. If the OP had behaved with such violence towards someone in the UK she would be arrested and probably end up with a criminal record.
With regard to UK law, violence is always unacceptable as a response.

I’m not going to dignify that with a response.

op, go to your therapist. Get rid of this abusive man, he is harming you emotionally, and he is hindering your healing.

people who continually want to center men , cater to men, and focus on men, are the problem.

I can’t believe what I’m reading.

OP you have said several times that you can draw a line under his past and that things go well UNTIL he starts grilling you about your past.
When he grills you about your past you feel he’s trying to make you ashamed and dirty.

You had a therapist that was helpful- he stopped that.

Of course you should not have kicked and spat.

You absolutely will be happier alone.
But your previous relationship was successful, you can have successful relationships. This man can’t- and he’s demonstrated that already!

@Newnamehiwhodis are you for real? She physically abused him because he didn’t want to tell her about his past relationship. If that isn’t toxic, then I don’t know what is
regardless of your internet diagnosis that she has PTSD it’s not acceptable to assault somebody because they won’t divulge information about their past relationship. I’m not sure why you can’t see that. I don’t think someone like you should be offering advice either if you can’t see that

Why don't you both agree to draw a line under this whole "past" business? Not benefitting anyone clearly

After he’d badgered her to give details of hers- penis size etc. Then said it would be disrespectful of the women involved for him to give details- so accusing op of being disrespectful.

Can I suggest you reread and this time focus on his behaviour not hers? No one is saying her response was ok. But his behaviour is awful as well and I suspect there’s more the OP hasn’t said yet.

@brokennottorn please be careful not to let him isolate you- cut you off from friends, move to be near him, have his friends and family replace your own.

Also don’t assume he’s told you the truth about his previous relationships. There may have been none. Or many. You can’t know because he isn’t being honest despite requiring that of you.

@pickledandpuzzled I commented on the first post because that was the only post from OP at the time, and from the outset before she said he had even done anything to her, she said the below- clearly toxic abusive behaviour and both should not be with each other
“I’m so angry. Unfortunately I get shouty and I need to control my anger big time. When he told me about a past fling with someone “taken”, I really lost my rag and kicked him & spat at him. I’m so ashamed.

Right, but there is much more to it than that.
It’s always helpful to read the OP’s posts.

Also in the first post- he makes her feel sorry and ashamed, he stopped her seeing the therapist, he badgers her to tell him stuff when she’s trying to leave the past in the past.

He is creating this situation. OP is responding to being constantly baited.

All in the first post, but repeated and made clearer in later posts.

Yes it is toxic. What's the point of staying in it? Leave and work on your triggers to avoid abusive behaviour in future relationships.

@pickledandpuzzled But what is always said to a woman (especially on here) when she comes and says a man has hit her?

That there's no excuse. That it doesn't matter what she said or did, physical violence is never acceptable.

It works the opposite way, too. These two people should not be together, they are both toxic.