This will sound nuts but I’m really hurting right now and I don’t know what I should do. I’m desperate, I am so sorry. It’s a long story.
i am divorced in my 40s and recently got back together with an old bf from my teenage years. He’s a bit older & in my parents’ country (think like Asian family). I have a house there & I’ve been back to see him about 3 or 4 times. He says he loves me & always did & how he felt we were always meant to be. Everyone else says similar, that he was waiting for me. He never married & only had v superficial relationships, maybe 2 sex partners, the others just kisses. It’s a conservative culture (like Muslim) so it makes sense he’s had limited experience.
I have a lot of trauma. Violent household & neglected, borderline sex abuse. My mum died when I was a teen & dad is violent alcoholic. I have a diagnosis of ASD.
I need clarity in a relationship. I’ve had failure after failure. My bf is really upset that I had so many sexual partners. He was jealous at first. Now he’s better.
BUT he won’t tell me his “stuff” clearly. he won’t tell me his past. He told me a bit, but the most recent stuff is in the shadows. Occasionally he will give snippets “she was married, it was just a kiss” but I know he’s holding info. He says out of respect for these women that he won’t tell me who they were but that makes me even more angry. Why should he know mine but I don’t know his? I guess there are cultural differences around shame. I’m so angry. Unfortunately I get shouty and I need to control my anger big time. When he told me about a past fling with someone “taken”, I really lost my rag and kicked him & spat at him. I’m so ashamed. We discussed it at length & he said he loves me so much, he could leave but returned & keeps returning because something holds him back & its his love for me.
in exhausted. I’m not used to being loved. I hate this feeling of not knowing things. I feel like he’s keeping secrets with other women & it makes me mad that he labels it under “respect” while I am made to feel dirty or sex mad or promiscuous - and I am none of those.
I was having therapy & it was helping me to be a less ragey person. He didnt like me seeing my therapist, so I stopped for a bit, but she is still there if I need her. She said: “it’s all in the past. You can’t control or change the past. Let it lie”. She showed me ways to change the conversation so we don’t fall back to talking about the past, but it happens a lot. Tonight he got me to talk about my stuff “I want to know your reactions” but when I asked his, “it doesn’t matter”. I yried to make him understand there is imbalance.
I am so confused. Is this toxic? Is it a codependent relationship? I love him but he doesn’t always see things my way. But maybe in a relationship you shouldn’t have to insist the other sees it your way. maybe he’s right, his stuff is his. Do I accept he holds these secrets & that I can’t trust him?
I don’t want to be angry but I feel like a child who is being teased. Added to this is distance and the fact we can’t just hug & make up. I hate it.