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Original poster

Still trying to work this one out - have to make sense of it

50 replies

wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 00:01

So this guy pursued me while I was separated for about 4-6 months. To be fair I didn't give it much heed as I wasn't in that headspace at all and then I thought hey okay fine let's meet up (to do an activity, date I suppose). Anyway it was great and so were the following few weeks, lots of chat and banter and lots of chemistry. Id dropped my guard for the first time in years and was having a great time, also for the first time in years.

He then pops in for cuppa to tell me his ex (who he's either in love with or 'addicted to' has been in touch). Doesn't say much more but carries on as normal for the next few hours together. Couldn't get much more out of him, and cause we were fairly short-lived didn't interrogate. Few days later penny dropped (forgotten dating) and thought sod that I was just used and was furious with him. Given he'd chased me, wtf.

Anyway so he works locally and I had to drive past him for the next two months, pain the ass and eventually we were in contact again, met one or twice, when he didn't see me told me he missed me, lots of drama in his life nothing to do with him, blaa blaa, I bought it.

Contact didn't stop he was always in touch, pushed for explanation and pushed back alot. Before Christmas he confirmed he'd been his ex and I drew a line. I enjoyed his company so much when we were together but it was driving me mad.

He got me a present for Christmas, quite a thoughtful one. Text or two after Christmas and he's in touch again, as pals met for a couple of walks, tons to talk about etc, a bit of a connection. I stopped getting in touch and he has been, not loads but consistent enough. Last week asked about his 'girlfriend', did he know we played the sport we play together every now and then and he said no, so again I said that wasn't right and that's the end of it. He kept saying that he loved being together, a great connection and what's wrong with hanging out etc (talking about middle aged mam here). I kind of jokingly said, ah really you're just a player, and that's it. What would someone go to such bother for what I can only assume he wanted me to a beautiful a sidechick?

I mean why the hell would someone pursue you for ages, mess you round and then want to continue to pursue (yes my boundaries were shockingly bad) but we had such good conversation I knew I was going to miss it and there was something so genuine about his wanting to just spend time together. Breadcrumbing I know.

I will miss our meet ups. But could some of you help me explain this behaviour/ order of events. I know it's not rocket science but I'm not well practised these days and I just can't get head around why someone would bother. Particularly if they are addicted to someone else!! There was something genuine that is hard to let go of.

Thank you :)

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 00:10

Ha ha ha not beautiful sidechick!!

Be a side chick!!

OP posts:
Roryhon · 27/02/2024 00:16

It wasn’t genuine though, was it. You said it yourself, he’s a player. It’s never a great idea to go back to an ex, he knows that, so he keeps the new girl he’s met dangling as a reserve for when it goes tits up with his ex. Don’t let him do this to you. He’s not someone you need in your life.

Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 00:38

Thanks.

Yeah that or he saw me as a nice enough person way back and thought something could be fun and chanced his arm. And then may be realised he liked me more than he expected (it felt that way, there was a real closeness) but obviously there is a girlfriend in the background he won't let go of out of 'guilt'...

I will let him go, reluctantly in ways and it other ways not but he caught me off guard and seems to have really skewed how I see it he start of anything with anyone now...

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 00:44

When I pushed him on his girlfriend I asked him why he never told me outright and he said cause he knew I'd stop seeing him.

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 27/02/2024 00:50

He probably had a girlfriend the whole time, but if you want someone decent I would get your divorce finalised and then look into dating.

Please block and delete this time wasting and cheating loser, you can do so much better I’m sure ❤

Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 00:56

Isn't it crap that these guys can make you smile from ear to ear when you see them.

OP posts:
Lookingoutside · 27/02/2024 01:17

wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 00:56

Isn't it crap that these guys can make you smile from ear to ear when you see them.

It is. But it has that effect on you because your subconscious knows you might not see him again, or doesn’t know when you’ll see him again.

Your conversations and time with him are in technicolor and your feelings are heightened because he might whip it all away or go and have that with another person. It’s uncertainty that you’re feeling not excitement, but the two things can seem the same.

It’s shit and it feels awful but try and keep away ❤️

Happyinarcon · 27/02/2024 03:42

wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 00:56

Isn't it crap that these guys can make you smile from ear to ear when you see them.

It is, but that’s the only thing they can offer, no honesty, no authenticity, no stability, nothing. These men get by on charm alone leaving a lot of confused and heartbroken women behind.

GreyCarpet · 27/02/2024 07:10

Why do they do it? Because it meets their needs. They're not even considering you, your feelings or the potential impact on you.

You know when you do something you co soder how it is going to impact someone else? How they will feel? People who behave like this aren't doing that.

When I pushed him on his girlfriend I asked him why he never told me outright and he said cause he knew I'd stop seeing him

That's the crux of it really. He wanted to see you because he enjoyed your company, was attracted to you and wanted to spend time with you. So rather than consider you amd your needs, he only focused on his own.

Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:06

Thank you everyone, I feel like a foolish schoolgirl.

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:12

And I am deeply hurt too.

OP posts:
GatherlyGal · 27/02/2024 09:17

wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:12

And I am deeply hurt too.

That's because you have been used. It doesn't matter that you like him, have a connection, love hanging out etc he is not available.

It suits him to string you along on the side but it is not doing you any good at all. Block and move on.

Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:22

That's the killer. He pursued me for months not to other way around. Obv I just made him feel good enough to go back to his ex. Yes, I was used, very cruel though.

OP posts:
Blackcats7 · 27/02/2024 09:23

Sounds like you were an ego boost to him.
Not worth your time like so many men.

GatherlyGal · 27/02/2024 09:27

He pursued you @wherediditallgosowrong because he wanted to spend time with you and have his ego stroked NOT because he wanted a relationship.

He likes you sure he just doesn't like you enough.

Mmhmmn · 27/02/2024 09:35

It reads like his ex dumped him and he pursued you until she got back in touch with him - correct to say he used you. Maybe intentionally or maybe not. It’s not worth trying to analyse too much and trying to work it out - you’re just better off putting a certain end to things with men who blow hot and cold, it’s too exhausting, confusing and frustrating and life is too short.

Mmhmmn · 27/02/2024 09:37

wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:22

That's the killer. He pursued me for months not to other way around. Obv I just made him feel good enough to go back to his ex. Yes, I was used, very cruel though.

One of those that enjoys the chase and once they know they were able to get you, they lose interest.

Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:42

Mmhmmn · 27/02/2024 09:35

It reads like his ex dumped him and he pursued you until she got back in touch with him - correct to say he used you. Maybe intentionally or maybe not. It’s not worth trying to analyse too much and trying to work it out - you’re just better off putting a certain end to things with men who blow hot and cold, it’s too exhausting, confusing and frustrating and life is too short.

Yeah.

I asked him about his ex. All the while he was trying to get me to see him (4 months or so) they were actually in a relationship. When we started seeing eachother, when I let my guard down they had coincidentally just broken up a short while before. So a cheater too. I was used I was a rebound, it's just never happened to me before and it's been such a waste of my energy.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 27/02/2024 09:42

End it or you will just be the fallback girl, a distraction who provides amusement when he's at a loose end. These types are always charming and funny until they're not! Check out Natalie Lue on Baggage reclaim, it explains this kind of behaviour brilliantly.

Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:43

Also you know you just lose faith in your own judgement which is the shittiest part of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:43

Seaoftroubles · 27/02/2024 09:42

End it or you will just be the fallback girl, a distraction who provides amusement when he's at a loose end. These types are always charming and funny until they're not! Check out Natalie Lue on Baggage reclaim, it explains this kind of behaviour brilliantly.

Read it line by line!! Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:44

Mmhmmn · 27/02/2024 09:37

One of those that enjoys the chase and once they know they were able to get you, they lose interest.

Show quote history

But then wants to keep in touch and keep seeing you on his weird terms... I'm such a idiot to have fallen for this!!

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:46

He is extremely attractive and charismatic and that's why he gets away with it

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:47

And he gets to go back to his ex who's none the wiser and all I get it this feels of shitty shame. Okay thank this has been really good to talk out.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 27/02/2024 09:48

Really really disappointing and annoying. In my early 20s I once agreed to go out with a guy who was really persistently chasing, I just gave in basically. I didn’t even find him attractive. Then he dumped me about a month later and tried to move on to my close friend!