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Original poster

Still trying to work this one out - have to make sense of it

50 replies

wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 00:01

So this guy pursued me while I was separated for about 4-6 months. To be fair I didn't give it much heed as I wasn't in that headspace at all and then I thought hey okay fine let's meet up (to do an activity, date I suppose). Anyway it was great and so were the following few weeks, lots of chat and banter and lots of chemistry. Id dropped my guard for the first time in years and was having a great time, also for the first time in years.

He then pops in for cuppa to tell me his ex (who he's either in love with or 'addicted to' has been in touch). Doesn't say much more but carries on as normal for the next few hours together. Couldn't get much more out of him, and cause we were fairly short-lived didn't interrogate. Few days later penny dropped (forgotten dating) and thought sod that I was just used and was furious with him. Given he'd chased me, wtf.

Anyway so he works locally and I had to drive past him for the next two months, pain the ass and eventually we were in contact again, met one or twice, when he didn't see me told me he missed me, lots of drama in his life nothing to do with him, blaa blaa, I bought it.

Contact didn't stop he was always in touch, pushed for explanation and pushed back alot. Before Christmas he confirmed he'd been his ex and I drew a line. I enjoyed his company so much when we were together but it was driving me mad.

He got me a present for Christmas, quite a thoughtful one. Text or two after Christmas and he's in touch again, as pals met for a couple of walks, tons to talk about etc, a bit of a connection. I stopped getting in touch and he has been, not loads but consistent enough. Last week asked about his 'girlfriend', did he know we played the sport we play together every now and then and he said no, so again I said that wasn't right and that's the end of it. He kept saying that he loved being together, a great connection and what's wrong with hanging out etc (talking about middle aged mam here). I kind of jokingly said, ah really you're just a player, and that's it. What would someone go to such bother for what I can only assume he wanted me to a beautiful a sidechick?

I mean why the hell would someone pursue you for ages, mess you round and then want to continue to pursue (yes my boundaries were shockingly bad) but we had such good conversation I knew I was going to miss it and there was something so genuine about his wanting to just spend time together. Breadcrumbing I know.

I will miss our meet ups. But could some of you help me explain this behaviour/ order of events. I know it's not rocket science but I'm not well practised these days and I just can't get head around why someone would bother. Particularly if they are addicted to someone else!! There was something genuine that is hard to let go of.

Thank you :)

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:49

That's the thing this stuff is only meant to happen in your 20s (not that it makes it okay) no when you're supposed to be wiser!

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:55

My self trust had been majorly weakened just when I need it the most.

OP posts:
yousexybugger · 27/02/2024 10:14

Whatever went before, why did you stay in touch at all once he had said he was in love with his ex and something was happening again there? You'd been turning him down for ages and only dating a few weeks so it makes sense he might have been looking elsewhere during those months.

Sorry to be direct but you're the one responsible for prolonging this when it was clear he wasn't all out for you. I've a friend always doing stuff like this and wanting to spend hours dissecting what went wrong and what terrible luck she has with men when they couldn't have been much clearer.

This man could not have been any clearer when he said that. You should have ended the visit.

Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 10:18

You're completely right.

We kept seeing eachother after that conversation by chance as he was working locally. I could have been was more decided and wasn't and yes I guess that's where my feeling of shame came from. I guess a part of me couldn't believe he'd just used me like that and wanted to prove it wrong but that just shows I was too trusting. I guess I wanted to meet a guy I had so much in common with and enjoyed being with for so long. He kept up contact and was saying that he was just helping his ex with some drama. I just fell for it and saw what I wanted to see I suppose. Thank s

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 10:21

It was about 6 weeks was seeing him and it was pretty magic so I guess I found that hard to let go of. Been to his house, cooked together, done a lot of stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 21:22

Right so he's in touch again tonight after me calling him a bit of player and all the above I've explained.

I'm not gonna black cause I hate that and it's a bit dramatic. And I know inevitably I'll see him somewhere, I'd rather just ignore. But seriously why the persistence.

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 21:31

Block

OP posts:
GatherlyGal · 28/02/2024 08:12

Why not block him OP and get on with your life? He will keep pursuing you because he likes having you on the side and seems to get some enjoyment out of ignoring your boundaries.

I'm not sure why you don't just want to move on?

ChristmasFluff · 28/02/2024 10:18

If you feed a stray dog, it will return to be fed. If you ignore the stray dog for a few days and then feed him, you teach him he just has to keep coming back for a few days, and then he will be fed.

Your responses to this man are his 'food'. He'll keep coming back as long as you keep feeding him. Doesn't mean he wants to be your pet, just means he eventually gets what he wants (attention), so he keeps going for it.

Same reason why people go on dating sites when they only want the messaging and never want to date.

Same reason people have affairs with no intention of leaving their partner. They want attention. It makes them feel good and powerful.

Your self-trust SHOULD be poor. That sounds harsh, but you did not protect yourself from a predator.

To re-create self-trust, you have to be competent with your boundaries again. Remember, boundaries are for you, not for him. The only person who needs to respect your boundary is you.

So since there is no need for you two to be in contact ever again, this starts with blocking him everywhere. This prevents his access to you at a time when you are vulnerable to him.

It also means looking into yourself to see why you were willing to let him breadcrumb you. What was/is he giving you that you are not giving yourself? Be more curious about yourself, and less curious about him and trying to work him out - that's not where the resolution is. It's in looking at your own vulnerabilities.

Stop throwing meat for the stray dog - and if you won't stop, ask yourself why you won't stop, not why the stray dog keeps coming around.

Watchkeys · 28/02/2024 11:15

I just can't get head around why someone would bother

Why do you need to get your head round it?

Sometimes people do things that don't make sense to us. The trick is to walk away, rather than to try harder to figure them out.

Watchkeys · 28/02/2024 11:21

wherediditallgosowrong · 27/02/2024 09:55

My self trust had been majorly weakened just when I need it the most.

You don't have to judge your self trust. If someone makes you unhappy, walk away. It's a really simple instruction. It stops you from having to figure anybody out, and it stops you being repeatedly hurt by the same person.

What strength did you have in your trust before it was weakened? How did you imagine it to be strong? Did you think you were a good judge of character? You don't need to be. You just have to walk away from people who make you feel bad, as soon as they start to do it.

Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 28/02/2024 15:11

ChristmasFluff · 28/02/2024 10:18

If you feed a stray dog, it will return to be fed. If you ignore the stray dog for a few days and then feed him, you teach him he just has to keep coming back for a few days, and then he will be fed.

Your responses to this man are his 'food'. He'll keep coming back as long as you keep feeding him. Doesn't mean he wants to be your pet, just means he eventually gets what he wants (attention), so he keeps going for it.

Same reason why people go on dating sites when they only want the messaging and never want to date.

Same reason people have affairs with no intention of leaving their partner. They want attention. It makes them feel good and powerful.

Your self-trust SHOULD be poor. That sounds harsh, but you did not protect yourself from a predator.

To re-create self-trust, you have to be competent with your boundaries again. Remember, boundaries are for you, not for him. The only person who needs to respect your boundary is you.

So since there is no need for you two to be in contact ever again, this starts with blocking him everywhere. This prevents his access to you at a time when you are vulnerable to him.

It also means looking into yourself to see why you were willing to let him breadcrumb you. What was/is he giving you that you are not giving yourself? Be more curious about yourself, and less curious about him and trying to work him out - that's not where the resolution is. It's in looking at your own vulnerabilities.

Stop throwing meat for the stray dog - and if you won't stop, ask yourself why you won't stop, not why the stray dog keeps coming around.

This is such a wise response thank you so much

OP posts:
Timeisallwehave · 28/02/2024 15:18

How old is he OP?

Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 28/02/2024 17:49

47

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 28/02/2024 17:52

I'm beginning to think he's a narcissist or something. I know that's bandied around a bit but none of it stacks up. I know I can walk away and block and do all those things. But when someone lives nearby and your worlds collide every now and then it's just futile. I have self trust on the whole and yes I think good judge of character. But this guy has completely thrown me. So much of what I would want in a man and then these utterly perplexing traits, consistent interest and an undefined relationship, where it would be obvious, he doesn't even say like 'just friends' if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 28/02/2024 17:53

Watchkeys · 28/02/2024 11:15

I just can't get head around why someone would bother

Why do you need to get your head round it?

Sometimes people do things that don't make sense to us. The trick is to walk away, rather than to try harder to figure them out.

I totally get your theory and I really need to adopt it. I just think when people throw you like this you question yourself.

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 28/02/2024 17:54

wherediditallgosowrong · 28/02/2024 17:52

I'm beginning to think he's a narcissist or something. I know that's bandied around a bit but none of it stacks up. I know I can walk away and block and do all those things. But when someone lives nearby and your worlds collide every now and then it's just futile. I have self trust on the whole and yes I think good judge of character. But this guy has completely thrown me. So much of what I would want in a man and then these utterly perplexing traits, consistent interest and an undefined relationship, where it would be obvious, he doesn't even say like 'just friends' if you know what I mean.

Obviously I don't want the cheating part in man. The annoying thing was that we have a lot in common which was a refreshing inverse of my marriage.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 28/02/2024 17:59

I just think when people throw you like this you question yourself

That's up to you though, isn't it. You can choose to do that or not to do that. I had to consciously start choosing not to question myself, because it was to do with the way I'd been brought up. It probably is for you, too. Lots of people have faith in their own instincts, and do the same in relationships as they do with films or food or anything else: I don't like the way this film/food feels to me, so I'm not going to partake any more. They don't say 'Why don't I like this action film/broccoli/person, what's wrong with my judgement all of a sudden??'

Ask yourself why you do this in relationships, and whether you do it with any other aspect of life.

Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 28/02/2024 18:06

Watchkeys · 28/02/2024 17:59

I just think when people throw you like this you question yourself

That's up to you though, isn't it. You can choose to do that or not to do that. I had to consciously start choosing not to question myself, because it was to do with the way I'd been brought up. It probably is for you, too. Lots of people have faith in their own instincts, and do the same in relationships as they do with films or food or anything else: I don't like the way this film/food feels to me, so I'm not going to partake any more. They don't say 'Why don't I like this action film/broccoli/person, what's wrong with my judgement all of a sudden??'

Ask yourself why you do this in relationships, and whether you do it with any other aspect of life.

That is so true.

Yeah bits of therapy over the years has shown that my mothers voice is always in my head who's undertone in anything she said was encourage self doubt. My sister would attest to it.

I'm going run with this and deliberately stuff questioning myself, thank you so much.

OP posts:
Timeisallwehave · 28/02/2024 18:10

Well if you ask me that’s plenty old enough to know better. I’d ditch him, it does sound like he is enjoying the game.

Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 28/02/2024 19:47

ChristmasFluff · 28/02/2024 10:18

If you feed a stray dog, it will return to be fed. If you ignore the stray dog for a few days and then feed him, you teach him he just has to keep coming back for a few days, and then he will be fed.

Your responses to this man are his 'food'. He'll keep coming back as long as you keep feeding him. Doesn't mean he wants to be your pet, just means he eventually gets what he wants (attention), so he keeps going for it.

Same reason why people go on dating sites when they only want the messaging and never want to date.

Same reason people have affairs with no intention of leaving their partner. They want attention. It makes them feel good and powerful.

Your self-trust SHOULD be poor. That sounds harsh, but you did not protect yourself from a predator.

To re-create self-trust, you have to be competent with your boundaries again. Remember, boundaries are for you, not for him. The only person who needs to respect your boundary is you.

So since there is no need for you two to be in contact ever again, this starts with blocking him everywhere. This prevents his access to you at a time when you are vulnerable to him.

It also means looking into yourself to see why you were willing to let him breadcrumb you. What was/is he giving you that you are not giving yourself? Be more curious about yourself, and less curious about him and trying to work him out - that's not where the resolution is. It's in looking at your own vulnerabilities.

Stop throwing meat for the stray dog - and if you won't stop, ask yourself why you won't stop, not why the stray dog keeps coming around.

This analogy is so perfect.

I repeatedly stated my stance and I guess he knows I have a soft spot and plays on it got his food.

The soft spot is diminishing.

OP posts:
BestieNo1 · 28/02/2024 20:42

He's a player and you know it.

You're better than that.

You're wasting time and energy on this guy when you could be building something good in yourself so you're in a good place if/when you do want to meet someone.

Honestly please block so you are not tempted by Mr Waste of Time.

You could find out about the gf to satisfy your curiosity to find out if anything he said is true but that would further waste your time and emotions 🩷🩷🩷

Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 28/02/2024 21:18

Okay I'm going to block. More contact!! Wtf

He said he loves talking to me!!

Just ring the Samaritans man. He's is so charismatic and good looking but lacking a moral code... Grrr.

OP posts:
Original poster
wherediditallgosowrong · 28/02/2024 21:33

BestieNo1 · 28/02/2024 20:42

He's a player and you know it.

You're better than that.

You're wasting time and energy on this guy when you could be building something good in yourself so you're in a good place if/when you do want to meet someone.

Honestly please block so you are not tempted by Mr Waste of Time.

You could find out about the gf to satisfy your curiosity to find out if anything he said is true but that would further waste your time and emotions 🩷🩷🩷

Funny I'm actually curious about g r at all, a small part of me thinks she's a figment of his imagination 😂

OP posts:
GatherlyGal · 28/02/2024 21:48

This thread is starting to remind me of that one about whether happiness in relationships is just good luck.

Engaging with this guy will not bring you fulfilment or joy in the future OP. He will not give you what you want. The fact he’s keen and chasing you is irrelevant. He wants you on the side not as his main focus.

you seem to think there’s some bigger thing going on where you are destined to be together or something but really he’s just a player and if you don’t put some distance between you he will cause you misery.

Just because he lives or works near you doesn’t mean you have to have anything to do with him.

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