Do teenagers often think their parents dislike them?

[JustWonderingThis]

And if it’s not true, when do they realise it’s not true?

Deep down they know that their parents love them (at least DD does). It’s just a way of pulling at their parent’s heart strings in order to get what they want or the reaction that they want.

Seems to be common,

I'm not sure whether they all know deep down that they are loved.

I didn't think my parents liked me as a teenager and that's not really changed through my life. I'm 47.

Seems like a lot of parents on MN do dislike their teens

There is a lot of truth in this.

Mine never thought I disliked them. I have done my absolute best to make them feel secure and loved at every stage of their life.

I’ve got 2 teens and I’d say categorically they’d never say their parents dislike them. They know how loved they are. Perhaps if kids and parents are frequently falling out or there’s a lot of rules etc they might think that, but thankfully my teens are pretty easy and we never argue so I wouldn’t ever think they’d think they aren’t loved. It saddens me to think they might ever think that and I really don’t think they do

They’ve done experiments on teenagers asking them to assess the facial expressions of people in photos. Teenagers consistently interpret neutral
faces as hostile and angry. Presumably there’s some reason for it but just thought I’d mention it as it explains so much - will see if I can find a link.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/neuroscience-in-everyday-life/201810/why-are-teens-so-emotional?amp

Thanks all for different perspectives. That sounds interesting @MandyRiceDavies.

Yes. It makes sense. Thank you.

No, I think a lot of parents don't understand their teenagers. Particularly if they had a nice and easy adolescence themselves. It can be really hard to understand a teenager that is struggling with all the changes and pressures that come with it.

No, but they find it an easy and defensive answer 'OMG - you're always having a go at me!'. They know you don't dislike them, but they see 'helpful' advice as a criticism and it's an easy deflection to turn anything back onto the parent.

I have raised 4 of them, and taught 4,000 of them over 30 odd years.

This is why you tell teenagers you love them every day. They might shrug their shoulders or grunt but let that wash by you. The message will be getting through and that is what matters. It is all "savings in the emotional bank" for when they come out the other side.

I think they have a tendancy to misinterpret things such as rules, refusal or requests, instructions as acts of spite or aggression. They can't see a single reason why that all night party at their friends cousins neighbours older brothers house might be a problem, so the only reason you could possibly be refusing is because you don't like them and are being mean. It stops when they understand why you do the things you do.

Lots of parents struggle with the transition from child to teenager. My parents were pretty open with the fact that they preferred my 8 year old self.

My mum went through a phase of saying "I have to love you, but I don't like you right now" which I've since learnt was a saying she learnt from a parenting book which is utterly baffling!

As an adult I can look back and understand how much stress she was under and feel sorry for her but I still have a lot of insecurities from it.

I tell my teens daily if not hourly how much I love them and how much they mean to me, so no they dont think I dislike them at all.

And why would I? They are wonderful young adults, the pair of them!

Agreed.

I think some parents can’t accept that their kid is growing up and isn’t like them. They insist on berating, controlling or babying them. Teenagers instinctively know that this isn’t loving. It is purely self serving and manipulative.

That is terrible. Not even ‘I love you’ but ‘I have to love you’

It was a truly awful thing to hear, as though someone had taken "I'm not angry, just disappointed" and concentrated it for maximum effect but then added the "I have to love you" as a disclaimer.

I do think there are a lot of parents who actively dislike their teenagers though, even if they're not as blatant in saying it. Parents who put down their kids' interests, or mock what they're wearing, or go out of their way to embarrass them. They see their child turning into someone they wouldn't have liked when they were at all school and take it as a personal insult.

I didn't think they'd care or even think about it as usually they're thinking about how much they dislike their parents!

That’s a very shallow, naive and tone deaf thing to say.

I truly believed that my parents hated me. I came to believe I was fundamentally unloveable. Now, of course I realise it was their problem. But the damage is done.

Tbf I don't think that many teenagers are bothered whether their parents like them or not. They are kinda the centre of themselves and so it's more about whether they like their parents. Didn't think a lot to mine as a teenager, or during early 20's ( in fact was quite disappointed in them during uni years)but having met some far more screwed up people in life, they weren't as bad as some, weren't abusive, were pretty predictable, minimal effort on their part, pretty much left to my own devices really. No support, but no major harm either.
I have a lovely relationship with my son, he makes me proud, just a lovely person really. I could of done better maybe as a parent, but I did pretty OK I think and he tells me he loves me as I do him and he appreciates the childhood and relationship we had, kinda special when when its just the two of you.Lots of happy memories shared. I was more involved as a parent than mine were.

My parents love was very conditional. I never lived up to their expectations, and hugely rebelled. I have major attachment issues and have struggled all my life. They did not like me, and I knew it, so how could I like myself? I have a lot of resentment for the way I was parented.

My nearly 15 year old can be rude, lazy and disrespectful. She’s also confident, resilient, works her ass off at school, hilariously funny and cool as fuck. I adore her and adore spending time with her. We don’t argue because I trust her to do the right thing, and always say yes unless I have to say no. She wanted to go to a party with no adults, and teens I didn’t know. I said no, she accepted this without question because I never normally say no to anything she wants to do. I treat her as an equal and we get on great. And if one day she messes up, I’ll like her just as much. And she knows it.

Whether they express it or not teenagers are very bothered whether their parents actually like them or not. Do you really think that growing up believing that the only people in your life who are meant to love you unconditionally no matter what actually don’t like you is a healthy way to be?

Teens brains are rewiring. They are literally making new brain connections meaning they make bad choices and can say/do things that they wouldn't normally do. It's a growth phase. They say it to you because you are safe. You will still love them no matter how they act out.