Is he an addict?

[tinydancerxo]

I've been seeing someone for a while now. At first we'd go on dates that always seemed to involve a drink, didn't think too much of it until I started to spend time with him in the week to realise he drinks most nights in the week too. He says it's only a couple of cans but can easily go through 8 cans and a bottle of red by himself.

Theres been some weekends (and weekdays) where he's sent me really frisky messages, couldn't quite believe it at first as he's usually not confident like that when we're together however, after speaking with his friend recently who was taking the mick out of him saying "we all know xxxx ploughs through the snow like a snowplough" it became apparent that a drink isn't all he likes. I tried to speak to him about it but he just said he doesn't do it when I'm around.

This got me thinking. I receive texts like this regularly when we aren't together, especially on weekend nights I'm not with him. I switched my active status on on Facebook this weekend, only to realise he was up pretty much all night. He's said because he doesn't NEED it, he doesn't have a problem. I know a girlfriend of his friend who has told me he's taken it for years. All the pieces are clicking together; the fact he doesn't have money because he says he pays so much maintenance. How he's all over me one minute but the next day or two he's really quiet and withdrawn.

I don't hang around with anyone who takes drugs and have never done so myself, but I do feel that there's more to it and he's in denial. This has put me right off, as I don't feel I know him. Also, he had his son this weekend after being up all night and I don't feel like that is a safe parent. Would you say he has a problem?

He drinks 8 cans and a bottle of wine most nights.

He takes cocaine regularly.

He has kids and uses them as an excuse for never having any money instead of the above reasons.

Would you date this person?

Run for the hills. He is not your problem to solve.

Nowhere did I state I want to fix him, and nobody knows everything about a person until they get to know them. Nobody comes as an open book.

Just to clarify, would you say he is a drug addict?

Would I say he has a problem?

Hell yes, he sounds like a walking bunting of red flags. Sounds like his friends are trying to tell you exactly that too. I'd listen to them

@Justcallmebebes he's only just started to introduce me to his friends after four months. Maybe this is why. Thank you for your comment. I don't spend time around drug users so don't really know what's a bit bingey and what's a problem.

No one is perfect but this does sound like a whole load of problems that you're probably better off without...

Definitely a problem drinker

@Motherrr no I agree, we all have our vices. Each to their own but this really isn't the life I want. Nor do I want to bring that into my child's life. Thank you.

Yes he’s an addict. Why do you even have to ask?

Teenagers experimenting with drugs is not something I would be too concerned about. However, a grown man with children doing drugs is pathetic.

Also, if he’s on a night out doing alcohol and cocaine I’d be surprised if he has stayed faithful doing that combination regularly.

@Versailles2025 because I have no experience of drugs. Apologies for not being experienced in this area. However, this is a network where people come to ask questions and advice.

Yes I would say he has a problem based on what you described.

The comment about ploughing through snow like a bulldozer indicates he is a raging coke head and that's before you look at the amount of alcohol he consumes

but can easily go through 8 cans and a bottle of red by himself.

Isn't that enough by itself to walk away? Can you imagine the amount of money he is spending weekly, now times it by 4. That is wasted money because he won't actually be enjoying the taste, just the effects. He is an alcoholic.

I don't think it's helpful to determine whether he fits the definition of an addict (these days a lot of people who work in addiction question the use of that term anyway - because it labels the person, not their behaviours)

Rather, consider whether you want to be around someone with his issues around drugs and alcohol. It sounds like you already know the answer to that.

He sounds like a coke addict. He will lie to you and spend all his money on drugs. Avoid.

Thank you for the helpful answers I have received. I'm very grateful.

He's an addict and liar. Dump him.

His behaviour is very problematic. I'd run for the hills.

Yes OP sorry to say but this man is no good. Please don't waste anymore time on him as nothing good will come from this x

He’s got a big problem
dump and run

Yes, an addict.

Personally I don't see the point of trying to decide whether he's actually addicted or not. Anyway, if he isn't now, he could well go that way in the future. Essentially, either you are comfortable with getting into a relationship with a heavy drinker and drug user or you're not. You don't need someone who's experienced with drugs to help you make that decision. Personally I'd run a mile.

Yup, definitely too much of everything. I have a glass of wine, most nights and am already concerned, but to have a bottle on top of 8 cans of beer?!! I mean, yes, that is a lot.

Plenty of people here talking about whether or not he's an addict - I don't think that label is helpful, everyone has their own definition, and those accused of it will always have a definition that doesn't describe them.....
Does he have a problem with drink and drugs? For sure.
Will they adversely affect him - and you? You bet. It's happening already.
Can he change? Not a chance right now, as he doesn't even acknowledge he has a problem, so he can't start addressing it.
Can you help? Actually being there with him, for him, adds to his sense that where he is, is normal, acceptable, manageable. So there's no incentive to change.
The best thing you can do for him is to leave, let him crash: There's a Chinese saying along the lines of 'You have to break, to mend'. Don't let your relationship be the sticking plaster that holds him together enough to stop him having to change.

Not to mention coke of course, the amounts of which he takes we do not know.

He's in pretty deep if he drinks that much every day and does coke on top.

His friends think he does a lot of coke, which means he - does a LOT.

He's not putting his children first.

It's so, so sad for them and he could well be treating them badly if he's been up all night then spending time with them on a coke come down: irritable, exhausted, spaced out.

I think you should end things then notify children's services to do a welfare check if you suspect he's looking after them whilst still under the influence of coke or if he drinks a lot while they are in his sole care.