I’m worried I’m a narcissist?

[WorriedIama]

Just a quick back story of what I believe I went through. Growing up I was always second behind my brother who could also do nothing wrong by my mum. I was it seems a burden, the black sheep. I tried to please her to like me. I then entered a 13 year marriage to what I believe was an abuser. I tried to like him so he would stop treating me badly.

He blamed me for all his troubles and the fact he drank and smoked weed. He said I made him feel bad about himself, I wasn’t trying to make him feel like that. He used to have angry outbursts and shout and swear and throw stuff. He said it just used to build up having to live with me. I was I suppose a bit needy of attention. I felt like I was invisible a lot of the time. I clearly had my own childhood issues that I don’t know I had at that time. Maybe I asked too much from him.

Now I feel a lot worse. I struggle with feelings of rejection. I instantly feel like people don’t like me when I have no proof. This makes me feel really bad, like I’ve always been rejected and ignored and not worth anything. I don’t act out or hurt people, I tend to withdraw and feel rubbish. I want people to see what I’ve gone through and care but nobody really does. I don’t feel better than anyone else.

Is this narcissistic or something else?

That’s not a narcissist, not by a long way. If anything, you have suffered from abuse and neglect and your way of coping is to withdraw. Can you access counselling? Because it sounds like you could really use it.

It doesn’t sound like it. There are on line quizzes you can do to check.

@PieAndLattes I withdraw because I find these feelings of rejection really consuming. Like something is just so wrong with me I don’t deserve it. I’ve read that needing constant validation is narcissistic, like the covert type.

If you worry you are a narcissist then the chances are you’re not a narcissist as they do not believe that they have issues. Sounds to me that you have just had a tough time and are emotionally damaged, I think you need to be kind to yourself, perhaps some counselling would help you to explore your feelings. I don’t think from what you say you are a bad person, I think you’re damaged and maybe you just need some help to make you see that. Sending you a hug because I think you could use one

A genuine narcissist would never in a million years worry about whether they were are narcissist or not.

A narcissist NEVER worries that they are a narcissist. In the eyes of a narcissist, they can do no wrong. A narcissist blames anyone and anything for their bad behaviour.

You are not a narcissist

No you don't sound at all narcissistic but you do need some therapy

Ah ok I’m must have read it wrong. I thought low self esteem and needing other people to make me feel better read very narcissistic.

You need self compassion. There's a good work book by kirsten neff phd and Christopher germer phd. Mindful self compassion work book. 16 chapters of good exercises that challenge some beliefs and encourage you to talk to yourself like you are somebody you want to lift up.

Have you heard people described as internalisers or externalisers?. That theory says that the former thinks 'if only I wasnt so weak/sensitive feeling all this pain. The externaliser thinks 'that person made me angry, they hurt me'.

Obviously it depends what happened!!! It isn't quite that cut and dried because people do have the impact to hurt other people.

That is an external locus of validation. Self-compassion will help shift the validation to be more internal. Xx

You can obviously self reflect! So even if you had at times behaved in a "narcissistic way", that just means seeking to get your needs met through unhealthy means, rather than through direct clear communication. I used to be passive aggressive in my twenties before I saw how I was behaving.

@ChanelNo19EDT I don’t think I had the means to ask to get my needs met or what they were even. My ex partner did not like the me who I really was and if did express that I didn’t like something or wasn’t comfortable then I was shouted down or belittled. I thought my needs were pathetic or too much or I was weird. He was the wrong person for me and it did a lot of damage staying with him.

For me the problem is I want my needs met but they are unrealistic. Eg getting jealous about things other people have. Getting jealous when my partner talks about nice memories that don’t involve me. It’s not realistic for him to not talk. I guess I hold a lot of pain from my childhood and never being praised or valued as a child.

If your partner reminiscing about his past meant that he wishes you weren't in his present, then feeling hurt would be a normal reaction. But is that what it means?

I agree that therapy could be really soothing for you. One definition of sensitive that i really like is being really present in your senses but are all of those messages received through your senses accurate? I think you can feel things a bit less intensely when you don't shame yourself for having the feelings! But question yourself gently and kindly.
validate the feelings even if they're intense. Eg, if my boyfriend reminiscing about his past meant that he doesn't want me to be in his present, then my hurt reaction would be completely understandable!! But is that what his reminiscing means???i

Narcissus and Echo operate as a pair, so it doesn't surprise me that your Echo experience shows up as a worry that you're a narcissist!

"I want people to see what I’ve gone through and care but nobody really does."

I think this is the nub of your post, OP. When you've been Echo for someone else your own voice isn't heard (by you or by others) and it can take a bit of work to tune in again.

e.g through counselling, group therapy, journalling, Hoffmann process etc

@ChanelNo19EDT its my current partner and he could just be talking about something he did with his family before me and I can feel that horrible jealousy feeling coming. It’s got nothing to do with me, he isn’t being horrible just normal talking. I have no need to feel jealous as of course he had a life before me. I start to feel left out, it’s quite pathetic. I realise it’s a throw back feeling from my childhood and always feeling left out. It’s not rational now. Or when good things happen to people who haven’t done anything to deserve it. I can rationalise it but I can’t help but feel like why can’t that be me. It’s all a bit selfish isn’t it?

I think perhaps I’ve been a people pleaser for too long.

I think my mum is a narcissist (or has narcissistic tendencies), she had an abusive upbringing from her drunk father. I think I developed similar feelings to her.

I think feeling envious of other people’s happiness is quite common. Sometimes I feel angry when people talk positively about their fathers. This is probably why I have noticed several times different people have jumped down my throat when I have said positive things about my mother. You are normal.

Remember:
The Time to Be Happy Is Now. the Place to Be Happy Is Here, the Way to Be Happy Is to Make Others Happy

Maybe that was a crass thing for me to say to a people pleaser?

At what point do you become narcissistic?

I can feel that horrible jealousy feeling coming. It’s got nothing to do with me, he isn’t being horrible just normal talking

Do you think you have to be happy about things people say and do, as long as they're not being horrible?

At what point do you become narcissistic

At the point where you don't care who you hurt to get what you want.

@Watchkeys no I don’t think so I don’t think. But getting jealous when his family talk about nice memories before me being with him is a bit stupid isn’t it. Why do I need to start to feel left out when he had a life before me. Why do I always have to feel bitter when I feel not part of something when what they talking about is not to do with me. I don’t know why I have to make it about me. Like I start to think they doing it on purpose because they don’t like me when this is unfounded.

You might find this podcast helpful
sites.libsyn.com/404591/29-am-i-the-narcissist
I suspect you're not a narcissist! But if your mother is narcissistic then it will have affected you (Been there).

I don’t know if she is one but we all had to tip toe around her all the time. She definitely favoured my brother and he turned out to be really successful earning a big salary. I’m too unwell physically to work much. I think my past has taken its toll on my health. I used to ring her everyday out of fear. I don’t do it anymore and have realised what she is like. She is very victim like. I don’t think she doesn’t care who she hurts, she is just hurt herself. Dad was a drunk and her mum ran away and left her with him until she was old enough to move out.