I’m worried I’m a narcissist?

[WorriedIama]

Just a quick back story of what I believe I went through. Growing up I was always second behind my brother who could also do nothing wrong by my mum. I was it seems a burden, the black sheep. I tried to please her to like me. I then entered a 13 year marriage to what I believe was an abuser. I tried to like him so he would stop treating me badly.

He blamed me for all his troubles and the fact he drank and smoked weed. He said I made him feel bad about himself, I wasn’t trying to make him feel like that. He used to have angry outbursts and shout and swear and throw stuff. He said it just used to build up having to live with me. I was I suppose a bit needy of attention. I felt like I was invisible a lot of the time. I clearly had my own childhood issues that I don’t know I had at that time. Maybe I asked too much from him.

Now I feel a lot worse. I struggle with feelings of rejection. I instantly feel like people don’t like me when I have no proof. This makes me feel really bad, like I’ve always been rejected and ignored and not worth anything. I don’t act out or hurt people, I tend to withdraw and feel rubbish. I want people to see what I’ve gone through and care but nobody really does. I don’t feel better than anyone else.

Is this narcissistic or something else?

You’re not a narcissist. I don’t know where to begin with advice though because you’re right at the beginning of your “Discovering that I’ve been abused my whole life” journey! My mum is a narcissist and after years of research and soul-searching I’ve still only just realised what she is. My exH was also a narcissist and then a bf of seven years. My mum had a rubbish childhood too but I don’t think it’s an excuse because she knows what she’s doing. I actually live with my mother (she’s 84) and it’s like living with a small child who has no empathy. If she realises that there are consequences if she behaves badly, she miraculously behaves! I feel that she has some sort of problem with her own identity and of seeing me as a separate person. I think she’s projecting her own self hatred onto me.

You’re looking for validation because you’ve never received it. We’re all on a spectrum for every human personality trait so of course, for most traits you’ll identify with them even if it’s only a little bit. For example, anger…we all feel angry sometimes but it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us. We all seek external validation because we’re social animals.

I think you should go on YouTube and watch lots of Dr Ramani videos. That should help make things a bit clearer.

I think this one is relevant. I’ve only had a quick look but some of the comments seem similar to how you feel.

@AmethystSparkles I can see the difference between me and my ex. I do seem to seek approval and he seeks admiration. He always did things very transactional like. He had to look the best and have people see him as the best. I was expected to reflect this image. I failed to live up to his expectations as I didn’t like a lot of the things he did or how he behaved. I guess I carry this feeling that I always fail to live up to people’s expectations. I’ve heard it a lot, why don’t you have a good job, you seem so capable etc etc. He thought I was more capable then I was because he ignored who I was.

We can tend to go for similar abusive types if we have been abused in childhood. I had a very controlling mother, my first relationship was with a very coercively controlling man (obviously didn't realise at the time). So it's likely you've gone from a horrible parent to a horrible partner and you are thinking wrongly the common denominator is you so you must be wrong in some way.

You've been the scapegoat, your sibling the golden child. If you look at the Stately Homes thread there are loads of resources at the beginning; books and podcasts and Youtube stuff.

It's not you - you are probably understandably jealous when your partner talks about lovely times as you don't have your own to counter with. But your self awareness shines through, not usually a narc trait.

I'd also suggest counselling.

@TorroFerney honestly I thought how did someone like me manage to get someone like him to like me. He was popular and charming and generous. All of that in time changed. He was popular but he changed who he was depending on who he was with and he was generous but it was always transactional and dependant. But he was also very angry and jealous and plain weird at times. I was in too deep too quick get out.

I thought he was opposite to my mum but turned out to be controlling in a different way. I hated myself with him and I ended up hating him also and life.