Out of my depth with friend (long, sorry)

[WreninaDarkNook]

I love this friend (I'll call her Sarah) to bits as a person, we get along very well and I am grateful for her in my life, she's given me great advice, cheered me up while I've been down, supported me through some dark times.

We're both gay women in our late30s/early 40s. Have known one another about 10 years.

I have trouble with boundaries and asserting myself and am often scared to hurt people's feelings, and can end up doing things I am not quite comfortable with as a result-not trying to make excuses, I know I am to blame for this situation as much as Sarah is. We live about 2 hours away from one another but we video call/chat on the phone a lot. Sarah doesn't work, I work fulltime and run a business alongside.

There's a bit of an elephant in the room given she has always liked me as more than a friend. I unfortunately do not feel the same.

Years ago when we first were getting to know one another, we were part of a friendship group comprising of us and maybe 6 or 7 others. Sarah knew I was having a hard time. My abusive ex had just left and I was feeling very vulnerable.

She would message me privately all the time, whereas before it had been mainly group chats. I was very wary at first of leaning on her for support because I didn't know her well and the lesbian community in this country can be quite a small world, and I was still frightened of my ex, but eventually with much persistence I did confide in her about a lot and she did go above and beyond to help, which I am ever grateful for. Around this time she suggested she come and visit me and I said no, not least because I had a feeling she had developed feelings and was expecting sex.

She kept on asking and asking and eventually I told her my fears and she said that wasn't why she was visiting, she wanted friendship only. So she did visit. I remember how anxious I was during this visit because I wasn't quite comfortable with it, I didn't really want a new person in my life, and my ex still had a key and all hell would have broken loose if she'd have turned up. It transpired that Sarah did actually expect sex, and she got it (not saying I wasn't complicit, I was, I have no excuse other than I didn't really know what else to do and felt I was single and she'd done a lot for me).

I told her afterwards that nice as it was I didn't think it was a good idea, I wasn't ready for anything such as that. She got very upset and quite angry about this.

Over the years it has come up again that she could be good for me in a relationship (yes, elephant in the room as it isn't mentioned often) and I have to try to sort of worm my way out of an awkward conversation)I wish I DID want a relationship with her or did at least in the past, in a way but I just don't think of her like that.

But that was years ago and now I have this situation where I am in a relationship, and Sarah isn't happy about it. I find myself quite scared a lot of the time (this sounds mad writing it down).

For example, if my DP is here at the weekend, Sarah always gets angry about it. I've had some snotty messages and phone calls. One time she called me and I answered and she heard DP in the background saying something to me (I'd gone upstairs out of the way and DP needed the loo and said such) and Sarah said very loudly 'Tell her to shut the FUCK up!' DP heard, I was shocked as hadn't expected it and just, in my world that's such a strange and odd thing to do. DP wasn't bothered but I felt so bad about it. This really really upset me.

A few weeks ago Sarah told me she thought I was a proper friend (she did mention other friends too) but I'd spend so many weekends with DP and only one now and again with her and she thought she had real friends but she hasn't.

She was very upset and angry. This was a really long phone call and I basically got a character assassination with Sarah throwing every wrongdoing I'd ever done at me, some I didn't even remember, others that I did but hadn't realised they were anything significant at the time (I am struggling to remember examples but one was that I hadn't trusted her to confide in at first, or things I'd said which had upset her which I saw as very minor but she obviously didn't). I was so upset and in the end I told her I was sorry for everything but I really had nothing left in me to say.

It was horrible though-all I really want is for us to have a nice friendship.

I admit I do avoid going and seeing her as often as I should, and she hasn't visited me at my house. I feel uncomfortable with it.

At her house, she acts more like a girlfriend than a friend, subtle ways hard to explain.
At my house, she'd want to share a bed. I wasn't sure of if I was right about this, but I outright asked her one day. She's deeply upset that she's never been to visit at my house since I moved and other friends have and DP obviously does too. It took me a lot (I know, I'm a wimp) to be clear about my worries, that she'd want to share a bed or expect sex from me despite my relationship and she got very angry and put the phone down. It wasn't mentioned again.

Last time DP stayed here, she (DP) ended up staying an extra night as she had the day off work unexpectedly. Sarah is furious that I didn't tell her about this. The truth is, I knew she'd be angry and I just didn't know what to say or how to tell her. The assertive part of me thinks why should I have to? The other part feels guilty about not doing so as she might've expected me to call on the Sunday night.

She's currently very angry with me, she knows DP isn't here now and will want me to call her later as I normally do a couple of times per week.

One thing I find very immature and passive aggressive that she does is, she changes our message background to something she knows I really don't like, whenever she's angry. And she has done.

I just don't know what to do?

I feel sorry for her in a way, she only has me and one other close friend whom I think she gets similarly angry with, who again lives quite far from her. I want to suggest she branches out and meets more people but I've done that before and again she was angered by it. I've also suggested that if I am that bad for her and cause her so much pain, maybe she'd be better off with me not around? Unrequited affection can be so painful, I know that. But she took this as a huge insult and I've never dared suggest it again.

I suspect I may have left some important information out, but this post is just so long already.

Sarah isn’t your friend. She is a bully who is hoping to wear you down over time so you end up in a ‘relationship’ with her. If this were a male, you’d rightly run for the hills.

Bottom line is she frightens you. You need to go low contact immediately with the aim of phasing her out all together.

This isn’t a foundation on which a friendship can survive. It sounds incredibly unhealthy for both of you for different reasons.

I really think you should stop this situation. You honestly can not be friends with someone who scares you! Your new DP also doesn’t deserve to get into this sort of toxic dynamic.

Dont beat yourself up about what you maybe should have done differently. That’s no reason to stay friends. I don’t think you should put yourself through this.

There is a reason she doesn’t have close friends and I think you know it!

When she said ‘tell her to shut the fuck up’ about your DP did you challenge her on it? No? That’s because you are scared of her and have allowed yourself to get into a controlling toxic friendship. You need to cut ties. A good way would be to wait until the next time she gets angry or jealous and say something like ‘I think that our friendship isn’t doing you any good anymore. A real friend would be happy that I’m in a happy relationship and you just seem angry about it. ‘

I think she needs not to be your friend any more. She sounds horrendous though also sad but I think you have to harden your heart here.

This is not friendship x

She’s abusing you.

You successfully got rid of your 'abusive ex' only to let another one in, she's controlling and abusive and you must be able to see it. You have empathy for her which is your downfall, she also sounds Narcissistic and entitled, you're in a relationship now and it's time to get rid and go no contact.

She's in love with you, angry you don't feel the same way, and is clearly not a mentally healthy person. There's no happy ending where you get to stay friends - you need her out of your life. And as for feeling sorry for her - I can't imagine the current situation is bringing her any real happiness.

Sarah is horrible. There’s a reason she doesn’t have any friends. Time you ceased being her emotional punchbag.

Wow. She sounds like an absolutely horrible person, and certainly not a friend.

I think you'll find it very difficult indeed, but you should end this friendship. You don't need to spend hours convincing her either; she's an emotional bully, and doesn't deserve that level of engagement.

You need a bucketload of therapy, and to stop any form of contact with Sarah. You’re clearly locked in some FOG headspace with her that you need to finish.

So she coerced and manipulated you into having sex with her when you were vulnerable, and had previously stated that you absolutely did not want sex? Sounds like sexual abuse to me.

Not to mention she’s continually aggressive, verbally abusive and angry.

I’m shocked at how tame some of the responses on here are. If this person was a man, you’d have received a dozen “run” “block” “this person is dangerous, phone the police” responses within less than a minute.

"I do avoid going and seeing her as often as I should"

Even just this sentence is enough to step back from this toxic relationship.
You don't want to see her, but you have a (misplaced) sense of obligation.

Read up on Fear, Obligation & Guilt (FOG). Something in your past is making you feel you must stay in a relationship which is damaging to you. The more you learn about toxic behaviours the more you can protect yourself.

Writing it down should help you realise the many ways in which this woman is not a friend at all? Hope so.
She is unhinged and abusive. You owe her nothing. If you need some professional help to disentangle yourself from this unhealthy situation then seek it out promptly before she inflicts any more damage on your life which is precisely what her goal is.

she isn’t your friend. Can you ask your dp for support in calling Sarah less?

stop calling her, if she calls you and is rude then just hang up. Say ‘let’s talk when you can be nice’.

get some counselling to deal with this.

She sounds awful, and not your friend at all. She sounds predatory

Wtf. It sounds like you're in an abusive relationship. First she ground your boundaries down in order to get sex and she's still trying to bully you into submission. Why on earth do you want a friendship with this woman?! She sounds fucking scary as well as, frankly, a horrible person.

Thank you for all the replies everyone.
We do have a lot in common and have some interesting conversations most of the time, the anger isn't ALL the time, it is just whenever anything rises about me and DP (usually when DP is here) or about me not going to see her often when I'll see other friends, or about her having never been invited here-I just feel uneasy around her
She's an intelligent woman and is helpful to me (I must stress I am to her too whenever she needs).
She doesn't have any family, was abused by her parents and doesn't speak to her siblings. I am reasonably happy with my life, I'd love to see her happy too. I've not read all of the responses (working) but I will do.

I feel pathetic for being afraid of her temper.

Where does your partner stand in all this? Is she ok with being angrily insulted to her face on a regular basis?

You need to drop her. She's not your friend.

I've told DP all about it. She's not bothered at all really, doesnt mind me having any friend I want and trusts me completely. She's not bothered what Sarah thinks of her either. She's never said anything to her face as they've never met-that's the only time that I mentioned in my OP, when Sarah rang and was angry and said something. I was so shocked by it and I did have words with Sarah. I also told her I now didn't feel like visiting her as I didn't think it was fair on DP now she'd said that to/about her for me to happily go and spend a couple of nights with Sarah.

I am struggling with this, what has led to you being such a scared timid person, you’re an adult who is being bullied. Has something caused this in you in your background?

She's not your friend, or FWB, so you need to woman up and tell her why you're cooling the "friendship". I think there's a very good reason why she's LC with family and has no friends apart from you - she's too controlling and jealous and drives everyone away. But thats her problem, not yours!

A friendship with Sarah is untenable. She clearly has feelings for you and lives in hope, and that alone is problem enough - never mind adding in her absolutely terrible behaviour.

Sarah isn’t your friend - she is trying to control you and is abusing you in her own way. She sounds like a nightmare and I would drop her in your shoes. You can’t get on with your life with her being a thunder cloud in your life.

in the nicest possible way, is your partner part of the problem?

I mean, why is she ok with being insulted by your supposed friend, and, more importantly, why is she actually encouraging you to pursue a friendship with someone angry and dictatorial, of whom you are terrified?