I love this friend (I'll call her Sarah) to bits as a person, we get along very well and I am grateful for her in my life, she's given me great advice, cheered me up while I've been down, supported me through some dark times.
We're both gay women in our late30s/early 40s. Have known one another about 10 years.
I have trouble with boundaries and asserting myself and am often scared to hurt people's feelings, and can end up doing things I am not quite comfortable with as a result-not trying to make excuses, I know I am to blame for this situation as much as Sarah is. We live about 2 hours away from one another but we video call/chat on the phone a lot. Sarah doesn't work, I work fulltime and run a business alongside.
There's a bit of an elephant in the room given she has always liked me as more than a friend. I unfortunately do not feel the same.
Years ago when we first were getting to know one another, we were part of a friendship group comprising of us and maybe 6 or 7 others. Sarah knew I was having a hard time. My abusive ex had just left and I was feeling very vulnerable.
She would message me privately all the time, whereas before it had been mainly group chats. I was very wary at first of leaning on her for support because I didn't know her well and the lesbian community in this country can be quite a small world, and I was still frightened of my ex, but eventually with much persistence I did confide in her about a lot and she did go above and beyond to help, which I am ever grateful for. Around this time she suggested she come and visit me and I said no, not least because I had a feeling she had developed feelings and was expecting sex.
She kept on asking and asking and eventually I told her my fears and she said that wasn't why she was visiting, she wanted friendship only. So she did visit. I remember how anxious I was during this visit because I wasn't quite comfortable with it, I didn't really want a new person in my life, and my ex still had a key and all hell would have broken loose if she'd have turned up. It transpired that Sarah did actually expect sex, and she got it (not saying I wasn't complicit, I was, I have no excuse other than I didn't really know what else to do and felt I was single and she'd done a lot for me).
I told her afterwards that nice as it was I didn't think it was a good idea, I wasn't ready for anything such as that. She got very upset and quite angry about this.
Over the years it has come up again that she could be good for me in a relationship (yes, elephant in the room as it isn't mentioned often) and I have to try to sort of worm my way out of an awkward conversation)I wish I DID want a relationship with her or did at least in the past, in a way but I just don't think of her like that.
But that was years ago and now I have this situation where I am in a relationship, and Sarah isn't happy about it. I find myself quite scared a lot of the time (this sounds mad writing it down).
For example, if my DP is here at the weekend, Sarah always gets angry about it. I've had some snotty messages and phone calls. One time she called me and I answered and she heard DP in the background saying something to me (I'd gone upstairs out of the way and DP needed the loo and said such) and Sarah said very loudly 'Tell her to shut the FUCK up!' DP heard, I was shocked as hadn't expected it and just, in my world that's such a strange and odd thing to do. DP wasn't bothered but I felt so bad about it. This really really upset me.
A few weeks ago Sarah told me she thought I was a proper friend (she did mention other friends too) but I'd spend so many weekends with DP and only one now and again with her and she thought she had real friends but she hasn't.
She was very upset and angry. This was a really long phone call and I basically got a character assassination with Sarah throwing every wrongdoing I'd ever done at me, some I didn't even remember, others that I did but hadn't realised they were anything significant at the time (I am struggling to remember examples but one was that I hadn't trusted her to confide in at first, or things I'd said which had upset her which I saw as very minor but she obviously didn't). I was so upset and in the end I told her I was sorry for everything but I really had nothing left in me to say.
It was horrible though-all I really want is for us to have a nice friendship.
I admit I do avoid going and seeing her as often as I should, and she hasn't visited me at my house. I feel uncomfortable with it.
At her house, she acts more like a girlfriend than a friend, subtle ways hard to explain.
At my house, she'd want to share a bed. I wasn't sure of if I was right about this, but I outright asked her one day. She's deeply upset that she's never been to visit at my house since I moved and other friends have and DP obviously does too. It took me a lot (I know, I'm a wimp) to be clear about my worries, that she'd want to share a bed or expect sex from me despite my relationship and she got very angry and put the phone down. It wasn't mentioned again.
Last time DP stayed here, she (DP) ended up staying an extra night as she had the day off work unexpectedly. Sarah is furious that I didn't tell her about this. The truth is, I knew she'd be angry and I just didn't know what to say or how to tell her. The assertive part of me thinks why should I have to? The other part feels guilty about not doing so as she might've expected me to call on the Sunday night.
She's currently very angry with me, she knows DP isn't here now and will want me to call her later as I normally do a couple of times per week.
One thing I find very immature and passive aggressive that she does is, she changes our message background to something she knows I really don't like, whenever she's angry. And she has done.
I just don't know what to do?
I feel sorry for her in a way, she only has me and one other close friend whom I think she gets similarly angry with, who again lives quite far from her. I want to suggest she branches out and meets more people but I've done that before and again she was angered by it. I've also suggested that if I am that bad for her and cause her so much pain, maybe she'd be better off with me not around? Unrequited affection can be so painful, I know that. But she took this as a huge insult and I've never dared suggest it again.
I suspect I may have left some important information out, but this post is just so long already.