How do you deal with nosy MIL?

[MumDaisy1980]

A bit of a background, overall relationship with MIL is good. She does her best to be a good MIL. Just that she is nosy and to a point that I feel invaded my space. I've got a feeling that she want to dig out what I am thinking, what kind of person I am etc. A bit too much. Not that I have things to hide but I also think like not all things want to share either.

She had always insisted if me and DH got time off, she can come over for a meal. I had fallen for it a couple of times and ended up I feel like more work than a day off for me. Because before she visit, I would need to tidy up the place (the day before) and organise meal , socialise. But those days I had planned for completely not doing anything - to rest from hectic work days.

Or for example, there was one year she insisted to visit ours to celebrate my birthday (as we said there's nothing plan that day) - which was very thoughtful of her. Ended up (apart from all the cleaning beforehand ), half of the day I felt like she was really visiting her son and catching up with all the aunties family news.

Since those couple of times, I no longer mention when I've got time off. I leave it to DH if happen he mentioned it during a chat or sth. And recently, MIL said oh FIL bought something nearby our place from eBay and if it's OK to drop at ours and they will pick up a week later.

Of course we would say yes to her reply. But for sure they will come by and look around the house. Some time for socialise.

Few weeks ago when met with MIL, I'm expecting first child in April and we just half joking saying we haven't got anything (but we did do research, have quite clear idea what to get and it's a matter of click of a button to get them delivered). The MIL seems started worry and offered to help buy everything if need to.

We mentioned we doing the bathroom up and she would want to know all the details. where the bath tub will be, the basin etc. The thing is we are not doing up to be like a show home, it's just the old bathroom was so bad, we just freshen up the decor to make it safe and relevant.

Why I was concern is that, like last time when she visit, there were area the storage room I did mention not go in because it's a mess. I didn't know if she pretend not hear or what, she went in and look at all the things in details.

I openly share my office and just mention how generous my company is to offer IT equipment iPad iPhone etc. Then I could see her reading everything in my room. I found it over the top.

So for the upcoming visit - probably this week - I expect she would like to see how the bathroom doing , and bedroom (because we mention we got a new bed) and nursery (where her grandchild will be sleeping - she asked a couple of times before already). But I want to keep the browsing as minimal as possible, in fact I cannot understand why she wants to know so much our house, what we doing (in details) . I wonder any advice? and yet not too obvious saying don't look around.

Thank you!

I couldn't read it all, I stipped at the part where you said YOU have to do the cleaning up, meal prep, cooking and so on.

That's your problem. Don't do it. His mother, his day to plan and organise.

If he leaves the house a shit tip and serves beans on toast, that's on him isn't it!

My mil came to visit at christmas, we have a baby and the house is pretty much cluttered and always messy. DH insisted we didn't go out of our way for her.

When she arrived, forst thing she said was "I'm very disappointed in YOU, swordtoflamethrower for not making an effort when guests are coming round"

I laughed because I knew she would turn to me with it, DH shot back with, you're not a guest, you're my mum, and we don't stand on ceremony for you. And it isn't my wife's job to do all the cleaning so I don't know why you directed that comment on her".

She is a cheeky cow amd she gets regularly put in her place!

I suggest you do the same regarding your days off.

I no longer do any tidying for when pil come round, meal prep is left to oh, I am done with it, if oh wants it looking nice he can pull his finger out, looks like he doesn't care 😳

I have a very nosy MIL who constantly ignores boundaries (opens personal mail not addressed to her etc.)
As she is so bold and we generally have a good relationship, I call her on it directly. She usually laughs it off, but I do tell her she is out of line.
As for your MIL getting into places you don't want her to go - put locks on the doors and hide anything confidential before she arrives. My MIL seems unable to control herself, I guess as she doesn't see boundaries - so I create boundaries. I suggest you do too.
Needing to prepare for her arrival (by making sure she can't get access to anything private) is a pain but inevitable if you want to at least retain the goodwill and friendship you have. Don't be afraid to let her know when she is out of order either.

The only thing that improved things with my MIL was DH cutting the apron strings and putting up some boundaries.

Thank you all! All are helpful advice!

She just sounds interested in your family life.

Keep good boundaries. I realised I told her too much.. I keep it vague now. Holidays are kept quiet too lol.

I think you are creating problems by overthinking things too much.
In a world full of MILs she’s not that bad. You may be relieved to have her around when your little one arrives

"She had always insisted if me and DH got time off, she can come over for a meal."
That is - weird. 'Oh, you've got a day off, I insist you spend it entertaining me, me, me! Err - no.

I would tell her NOTHING from now on. Confine myself to talking about the weather and last night's TV.

And she'd get a sharp 'where are you going?' if she tried to go into my bedroom or office! My bedroom is my private space, jealously guarded.

"And recently, MIL said oh FIL bought something nearby our place from eBay and if it's OK to drop at ours and they will pick up a week later."
My response would be a blunt 'Why would you do that?'

If I felt like being expansive, I might add -
'Why not just take it home right away? What if there's a problem with what you've bough, the seller won't be interested after you've had it a week, he'll think you're trying to scam him! Oh, no! I think you should take it straight home!

You know it's just an excuse to have a nose around. I'd be waiting for it, and heading off any and all of these reconnaissance visits at the pass. Treat it as a game - it's better for your blood pressure. But - play to win! [evil]😈

@WhereYouLeftIt yes thank you. You were quite on point and highlighted that what I felt uncomfortable but couldn’t explain why!! Indeed about entertaining her! When she visit, after the house tour and meal time. Then is board/ card game with her non-stop until sunset say.

indeed I did feel about the eBay case like a ‘good excuse’ of nose around. But what an effort to make it happen?!

thanks others too. Useful comments and advice which I will take on board!

Come off it. She's snooping through OP's work documents.

She has no right to go through your rooms or through your stuff. That's not reasonable and is very odd behaviour. Your DH should tell her not to do it if she tries that again.

Don't tell her when you're off work. Don't tell her anything you don't want her to know.

And why isn't your DH cleaning, shopping and cooking when his parents visit? We share all the prep whenever anyone is visiting. And if the visit has been arranged by one of us, and the other wasn't bothered, then all the prep and planning is on the one who organised it (unless the other one is feeling kind).

Lots of what you say sounds quite weird to me, OP. No one can make you invite them to dinner or tell them when you have a day off. And no one can dictate what happens if they do visit — you say you ‘have to’ give her a house tour, feed her dinner, and then play board games “non stop’ till sunset! Of course you don’t! I’m fond of my MIL but I don’t think she’s ever been upstairs in our house, and she’s certainly never been in my study, far less inquired about bathroom renovations.

Is there a cultural issue here? As in, are you or DH from a culture in which automatic deference is paid to parents and PILs?

Thanks.

DH just not on par on home chores. ask him to clean - take million years to happen. Shopping could help (but I have to write precisely the list) and cooking no chance. Him and kitchen don’t mix. He more best fit on fixing home stuff , security department. That’s why he not involve in prep for hosting. But his part maybe on make sure no hazard around the house for the guest for example.

I also prefer he not in the kitchen or cleaning , which might ended in disaster or more work for me … if you get what I mean. Ha..

OP, if your husband can read, he can cook.

So your MIL is a nosy parker, and she raised a son who uses strategic incompetence to unload all domestic chores onto your shoulders?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/weaponized-incompetence

Thanks and this is interesting!

just an update

MIL texted today and said if it’s ok to come over on 10th (which is the Mother’s Day) to pick up the bike and suggested a lunch.

in fact before her text I did think of suggest the other way round of we go visit her and bring the bike becoz it’s been a while since we last met and it’s Mother’s Day.

but seems like to turn her down once again and she very keen to come round to our area (and nose around).

We haven’t replied yet but likely to accept given it’s Mother’s Day.

just to vent I don’t much look forward to it .. ha well.

Any encouraging text will be nice , thank you.

Oh shame you didn't get your suggestion in first. I'd text her back saying it's Mother's Day and we don't want you having to run about...we'll bring the bike to you then take you for lunch. That way you wont have the hassle of preparing your home for a visit and you can control the length of time you spend with her.

Here we go again. MIL bashing on MN.

You do all realise that you'll be a MIL one day too, don't you?

I hope your children's partners don't moan and whinge about you like you do about yours.

At this stage pregnancy trumps everything you just say that you are not up to hosting at the moment but you and dh can pick up the bike and come to her.

Going forward hasn't your work reviewed security for people working at home and said that all equipment must be stored securely? So you have put a lock on the office. You then have a safe space to put anything. You can say that it also helps you to switch off by locking the door when not working.

Of course he can, unless you have deliberately married a man you know to be an idiot. I assume he manages to hold down a full time job which involves more than sitting round scratching his bum and watching TV. Stop treating him like a child. He is more than capable of doing his fair share of chores and cooking.

Maybe I'm an oversharer but I don't find any of that nosy, you're renovating your bathroom that's a normal conversation, oh are you moving anything, having a bathtub or shower,oh both that sounds lovely, how will that layout look. She's showing interest in her grandchild, the nursery, and it's weeks before you are due and you've not bought anything she offered to buy what you need, which sounds very generous and like she's worried you maybe can't afford it.

The only issue I see is that your husband expects you to do the cleaning etc before a visitor arrives. That's on him not your MIL.
As for mother's day it's likely the last one for a while where she will be the focus for her son, rather than the mother of his child, sounds like she understands this.

I like my MIL though and don't see her at my natural enemy

This thread is not at all about MIL bashing. You would not like it if your parents or infact any relative or friend had a nose around your home office and read your private papers. In this case the MIL is nosy and I would think the OP herself would get short shrift if she tried that in MILs home. You would not like it either if any relative had a nose around your home office and read your private papers.

Your MIL is a nosy parker and her son is afraid of her on some level hence he not at all taking her to task. Also he is using weaponised incompetance as a means of avoiding household tasks. He is more than capable of doing such if he can and does hold down a job, the fact is he does not want to because he sees all the life admin and household stuff as your job and yours alone.

I would do as charabang suggests re a response back to her.

And Sgt you are an oversharer and that is a trait that is problematic in its own right, its a lack of social boundaries.

An update that MIL is visiting ours rather than the other way round. Just the conversation flow naturally of her visiting.

we’ve been to a baby show over the weekend and got almost everything ready for the baby arrival. This is in contrast to when last time met MIL that we hardly got anything.

I put one trolly in the living room (with the baby supplies) just for conversation sake. As I know she is keen to see what we’ve got from the show and just comment on them.

Today we’ve got the crib delivered and it will be placed in our bedroom. But this is the one I don’t want her to go in. Though nth to hide but I felt it’s a private area. Like she has enough place for her to nose around the living room and the newly done bathroom. Now my question it how to nicely prevent her to say ‘oh let me see your crib’ 😓

I’ve also packed the hospital a bag now which I will places in a spare room. I planned to shut the door. But I’ve got the feeling she might say have a look as that is potential the baby will be grown into.

I really want to direct her in fact just go to my husband office if she so keen to look around. His room has enough mess for her to see. But last time when she visited she has no interest to look at his room whatsoever!!!

any tips to prepare the day goes smoothly or less annoyed will be helpful! Thanks!!