How do you deal with nosy MIL?

[MumDaisy1980]

A bit of a background, overall relationship with MIL is good. She does her best to be a good MIL. Just that she is nosy and to a point that I feel invaded my space. I've got a feeling that she want to dig out what I am thinking, what kind of person I am etc. A bit too much. Not that I have things to hide but I also think like not all things want to share either.

She had always insisted if me and DH got time off, she can come over for a meal. I had fallen for it a couple of times and ended up I feel like more work than a day off for me. Because before she visit, I would need to tidy up the place (the day before) and organise meal , socialise. But those days I had planned for completely not doing anything - to rest from hectic work days.

Or for example, there was one year she insisted to visit ours to celebrate my birthday (as we said there's nothing plan that day) - which was very thoughtful of her. Ended up (apart from all the cleaning beforehand ), half of the day I felt like she was really visiting her son and catching up with all the aunties family news.

Since those couple of times, I no longer mention when I've got time off. I leave it to DH if happen he mentioned it during a chat or sth. And recently, MIL said oh FIL bought something nearby our place from eBay and if it's OK to drop at ours and they will pick up a week later.

Of course we would say yes to her reply. But for sure they will come by and look around the house. Some time for socialise.

Few weeks ago when met with MIL, I'm expecting first child in April and we just half joking saying we haven't got anything (but we did do research, have quite clear idea what to get and it's a matter of click of a button to get them delivered). The MIL seems started worry and offered to help buy everything if need to.

We mentioned we doing the bathroom up and she would want to know all the details. where the bath tub will be, the basin etc. The thing is we are not doing up to be like a show home, it's just the old bathroom was so bad, we just freshen up the decor to make it safe and relevant.

Why I was concern is that, like last time when she visit, there were area the storage room I did mention not go in because it's a mess. I didn't know if she pretend not hear or what, she went in and look at all the things in details.

I openly share my office and just mention how generous my company is to offer IT equipment iPad iPhone etc. Then I could see her reading everything in my room. I found it over the top.

So for the upcoming visit - probably this week - I expect she would like to see how the bathroom doing , and bedroom (because we mention we got a new bed) and nursery (where her grandchild will be sleeping - she asked a couple of times before already). But I want to keep the browsing as minimal as possible, in fact I cannot understand why she wants to know so much our house, what we doing (in details) . I wonder any advice? and yet not too obvious saying don't look around.

Thank you!

Honestly, this all sounds weirder and weirder. You buy a stash of stuff at a ‘baby show’, leave one trolley of said stuff in the sitting room as a conversation point (how many trolleys of baby stuff are there???) but feel she’s going to sneak into your bedroom to see the crib AND sneak into the spare room to nose through your hospital bag? Why?

Are you saying she pretends to go to the loo and then you find her creeping into your bedroom? Why would anyone be interested in your hospital bag? Can’t you just stick it in a cupboard or under the bed, rather than like a holy relic in the spare room??

It all sounds like a lot of faff. I don’t remember buying much for DS before he was born other than babygros, nappies and a cot.

@YouTulip

yes the feeling that she will be ‘interrogating’ around the house, because of the level of details she tend to ask question.

last time in second trimester, we no way close to thinking birth options or labour details. She asked what’s her son will be doing in the labour room. Do I have preg diabetes. What's my birth plan. When will I off mat leave.

for example, when I said I these days WFH almost everyday until mat leave - which help cope with tiredness of preg. She literally thought I don’t get out of the house, and made comment like always stuck in the house no good. I would have to reveal next level of detail like what time I go grocery so I did go out of the house. Then she showed sign of relief.

indeed I agree there was nth much to buy before newborn
but she asked so much have we got A B C & D last time we met. And we said no at that time.

I also don’t understand she kept saying sth like
’i’m so excited , I don’t have to go through the hard work and get to see the baby’
she said that multiple times and me and DH just said nth. Obviously we would not understand what she meant as we didn’t go through the process.

She wants to play at bring mummy again but this time around to your child. Given the rubbish job she has done with her son ie your now H I would urge you both to keep her out of your home and day to day lives. She cannot be trusted and your boundaries re her as well as his are way too low.

Your man is likely to be very afraid of his mother and wants her approval at the same time. This is why he cannot and equally will not say anything or say anything to “upset” her.

Leave him to cook, if he can’t do it, that’s his parents fault for not teaching him basic life skills, so they can suffer the consequences. This isn’t the bloody 1940s and you are not a house wife.

To be honest, I don't understand why wanting to see how renovations are going is "nosy"! If I went to a friend's house I'd say "Oh, how's the bathroom going-can I see?"

Obviously, opening letters is completely unforgivable.

Incidentally, has anyone ever used the expression "cutting the apron strings" about a woman and her mum?

Above - exactly that! It’s always applied to men and their mums personally I find that if a man has a good relationship with his mum he is generally a nice caring man.

Thanks everyone for your comments!

I agree with you. But the context is slightly different.

the difference on I invite her to have a look - as in if I am overjoyed and would love to share with her. Compared to - knowing that we are doing the bathroom - ‘oh you doing ur bathrooms, when can I come and see ???’ And I mentioned in previous post the bathroom wasn’t like an ideal home show kind of work . It’s just like a basic upgrade. Just like for example fixing the old tap with a new tap that works. Not think deserve such an enthusiasm .

and in fact DH’s bro also doing up their bathroom . DH’s bro doing up himself. So when my DH mentioned (again I didn’t plan to share that) at the start of the project we are looking into doing up the bathroom. MIL said oh bro also working on it. Would you like to see that ??
Then we just said ‘sure’ like we wouldn’t say no we don’t want to see for conversationsake. Then MIL immediately pick up the phone and called bro like saying we want to see the bathroom and can we come now (we were in the area)

but I knew from previous convo that the bro is busying on doing up the bedrooms to be in time for Xmas for the kids. The weekend time is precious . The bro reluctantly declined becoz he has a ‘Xmas deadline’ and afterwards sent private message to DH apologising and stuff.

but in the first place we didn’t raeally asked to go see. It’s again MIL self-invite but phrased it as we wanted to go and see.

I hope this would give better context of the extent of nosy that I was trying to put through.

Op what I would do, is to not invite her in your house, but instead take her out for a meal or coffee or something.

But why didn't you say, "Oh no, we can't go and call on BIL. Everyone hates it when people turn up at short notice and want to look around the house. And nobody likes nosy people."

I would not prioritise the MIL issue, you have a bigger one.
Your energy would be better spent having a very frank talk with the husband before baby is born regarding how both your lives are not gonna be the same at all regarding time, housework, chores, scheduling, mental load, and you taking the brunt of it because he does DIY is not going to be fair anymore (if it ever was...)

Yes, I leave all communication and arrangements for MIL visits down to my DH now, and as he is not a keen cook he usually books a table at the local pub for her visits!

Stop giving her so much information. Next time she starts commenting on you not getting out of the house much just respond with “I get out of the house plenty thanks”. Don’t be drawn into feeling you have to justify what you do. Is she starts asking if you have x, y and z just tell her everything is in hand.

@BlueRidgeMountain thanks! Good point indeed I don’t need to justify ALL the things I said to her!

thanks others for your comments too! Gave me mental support - as aren’t sure now preg all the hormones getting irritated or down.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

just an update about the MIL visit

it went better than I imagined.

DH did the cleaning beforehand.
MIL covered places as expected - the newly done bathroom , baby stuff that I layed out for convo. DH did open our bedroom door and spare bedroom for MIL to see. But by then it’s too late already. I intentionally close them to signal don’t go in. DH excited to show MIL the next to me crib. So I just leave it to him. I also put all the stuff I don’t want to show in my office and shut the door. So not that a big deal this time.

overall ok. But still prefer no self-invite visiting. When she left she remarked ‘I can come visit anytime’. I cannot understand why so eager to visit. Ha.