What do you think this means? Text reply

[DippingAToeIn]

So, for context, I met up with a guy who I matched with on a dating app. We were both seeking something casual, basically hook ups but with a connection. We hit it off over messages, texting daily, and did a video call before we met on a hotel last week. Since then I've been reflecting on the daily messages and wondering what his thoughts are about it, because it doesn't seem very casual to me (even though I'm enjoying it). I messaged him last night and asked him how he felt about it, and said I hoped he would feel able to be honest if he ever felt things were too intense or he felt uncomfortable at all. He replied with a nice message saying I'm a lot like him with the way I process things, then he said he'd reply properly soon and he'd be right back.
He didn't message back until after I'd fallen asleep, and he didn't actually respond to that issue at all- just sent me a sweet good night message and referred to something else I'd said earlier in the day.
Now I have no idea what to think! I've decided today to ease off the messages, as I guess him not addressing it is communication in itself, but I'm feeling even more confused about the parameters of this 'arrangement' now.

What do you think it means? Should I ask him about it again if he still doesn't respond? Thank you in advance for advice:)

I'd just leave it? You're enjoying each others company and are meeting up by mutual agreement for 'hook ups', you have a connection which you wanted, what more are you hoping to gain from pushing it? Unless you think he's going outside of the mutually agreed boundaries (in which case just cool it with the messages..)?

It sounds like you've got what you wanted so I don't see the issue!

But you sound like the person who is making it ‘not casual’ if you keep asking how he feels about it and how you hope he’ll tell you if it’s ’too intense’?

Just leave it. Discussions about feelings is the opposite of casual.

I think I'm quite paranoid that maybe he thinks I am being too much with messages, probably because yesterday it was me who texted first. It's my own insecurities which are making me paranoid I think, and I just wanted to know he was ok with how things are...
I guess I'd like to define the parameters and check how often he wants to message and meet up, so that I'm not wondering and worrying that I'm being 'too much'. Does that make sense?

This is my first go at something casual, I may well not be cut out for it!

It sounds like you may not actually want something casual. What led you to give this a go?

Maybe, or perhaps it could be healthy to define what casual looks like for us so that the parameters are clear? Then I wouldn't need to ask about feelings because I'd know exactly where we stand....

I definitely don't want a relationship right now, just really want to have some fun but not just a string of one night stands. We are both on the same page with that - I just wasn't expecting to get on so well with him! I'm still happy to keep it casual, and we're both free to see other people too which I am fine with, I just struggle with my paranoia about feeling like I'm 'too much'.

You haven’t met up yet and you’re talking about feelings? Sounds intense and not at all causal.

Do you mean he is giving you mixed messages? If casual is what you want don't message so much or ask him about his feelings. If you are unsure what you are hoping for either give yourself a talking to or end it and work out what you want. Or be honest and see see his reaction.

I think he avoided the question because he wants it to be casual.
I think if you feel you’re being too intense then back off a little and see if he messages first.

I was like that with my first casual relationship. He sounded absolutely smitten in the early days before we met up and I was getting worried he wanted a traditional relationship.

I didn't question him on it though, I just let things roll.

After we'd been seeing each other for several months, our early talk came up in conversation. I said how worried I'd been about his messages. He told me he'd been keen to engage with me, but it was tricky to make things sound casual without making them sound uncaring, particularly when messaging.

so try not to overthink it is my advice. Certainly don't keep asking him about his feelings. If it's casual, let it roll and deal with anything that crops up further down the line if it does crop up.

Good luck

But you’re fussing about his feelings! Why not concentrate on your own? Are your needs being met? He can raise issues if he feels there are any. It’s a casual thing. His feelings are not your job.

Thank you, this is really really helpful. He is a very caring and thoughtful guy so I think maybe it's a similar situation. It is tricky to navigate the casual alongside a nice emotional connection - I will try to just roll with it and not mention it again. And I can take my 'am I took much' issues into my counselling this week! 😂

I think you probably are not cut out for something casual but if you want to try it for now then try to stop overthinking things and just keep the messages sweet and easy going. You don’t need to worry about his feelings that is something more a gf & bf would do.

Yes that’s a good idea, discuss it with your counsellor not him (for now anyway unless it does naturally develop into something else but right now it’s casual).

I think the messages will probably die down as you get to know each other better. You're still getting to know each other really.

I also feel like when the goal is a long term relationship people keep their guard up more and can hold back as to not seem over keen or get their hopes up only to be knocked back or for it to not work out. You've both put your cards on the table and a relationship isn't on the cards so you can probably be more open and more yourself as you know there's no other agenda.

You're making a drama of it or at the very least overthinking it.

It stops being no strings anything at this point. Are you sure this is what you want?

You might be right, time will tell! Thank you for responding 🙂

I'm sure I don't want a relationship right now, definitely. But I'm learning that I still have insecurities even in a casual arrangement - it's not as simple as I thought for sure, but hopefully I can navigate it. If not, then I call it I guess.

So my understanding of something casual would be relatively stress free. So if you text him and he doesn’t reply or suggest a meet up and he can’t make it you shrug and carry on with your day. If he suggests meeting up and you fancy it you agree, if you don’t you wait till next time. Sometimes you might have a bit of text or phone chat in the lead up to seeing each other, other weeks when you’re busy it might go quiet. The only parameters I would be discussing are contraception/ boundaries and whether you are both ok seeing other people, not how often it’s ok to text!

The thing is, in a casual arrangement where you’re not also friends, your insecurities aren’t his issue. Either find a way to deal with them yourself, in therapy etc, or recognise this type of set-up doesn’t work for you because you need more reassurance than a casual hook-up will want to give.

Yes, this was my understanding too, except what happened was we arranged the meet up and then were messaging every day in the lead up to it, and every day since. Hence the confusion, lol

I would stop worrying about how your behaviour might be received. Behave in a way that feels natural and reflects your feelings, whatever they might be. If he ultimately doesn’t like that then move on to someone else.

I think (in the nicest possible way) you should consider whether you are really just looking to ‘have fun’ or whether you are perhaps looking for validation through your ‘relationship’ with him. Nothing wrong with casual hookups but you don’t sound like you have quite the right mindset for this to be a positive experience.

You have the power here, not him. If u want casual then simply don’t text him unless it’s to arrange the meet up. Genuinely, there’s nothing more to this than that

I’m not sure she does have the power. because she is saying one thing and doing another.

op, you’re proclaiming to want casual but you are behaving like you want a relationship. Your actions and words are mismatched.

you want casual, but text him a lot, want a definition etc. can you answer what is different in this to how you behave in a relationship?

because right now I think it’s the exact same. You’re just calling it something different.

if deep down you do want a relationship, don’t stay in and be a fuck buddy in the hope it will change or evolve.

if you just want sex, then stop texting him all the time, until you plan to meet up. Behave casual. He is not your boyfriend.

Calling it casual and acting like he’s your boyfriend isn’t going to work.