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Original poster

Is it wrong to have a male friend I had a past with?

35 replies

Lillywhites · 26/02/2024 00:27

Hello everyone,first time poster here.
can anyone advise me please,I’ve been dating a guy now for 14 months and can honestly say he’s the most caring considerate and loving guy I’ve ever been with.I absolutely worship the ground he walks on and we love eachother so much.
we get on so well in every aspect and I truly believe he’s the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.
we never argue about anything but one thing that puts a strain on things,I work an office job and have a male friend/colleague who I had a previous relationship with and he sometimes messages me out of work hours,he still has feelings for me and will sometimes messages me inappropriate things,i take it with a pinch of salt as we’ve always had this kind of humour between us and have stayed friends with him as I have to work with him everyday.i haven’t told my current partner of my past with my friend but I think he is suspicious as he’s asked why this guy keeps messaging out of hours and I can see it’s bothering him quite a bit.
I have told my friend that I’m with my current partner and I am very happy with him but nonetheless my friend is quite relentless with his pursuit,I do care about my friend as I value his friendship and don’t want to hurt him but I love my partner,I’m scared I’ve hidden the past truths to protect my current partner and that If he was to find out it would be over between us.
I really don’t know how to navigate this.

OP posts:
Craybourne · 26/02/2024 00:33

Doesn’t really sound like a friendship. He’s also overstepping acceptable boundaries and you’re tolerating it. It’s hugely disrespectful to your partner.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2024 00:37

I don't think there's an issue with being friends with an ex.

But

I do think having a friendship with a guy who's actively trying to seduce you is questionable. Do you quite enjoy the flirting? How inappropriate is the inappropriate texts? How serious / long / long ago was the relationship?

If partner asks why he's messaging, I think in general terms "because he's my friend" is perfectly acceptable, but I think in your circs you're playing with fire

TheSlantedOwl · 26/02/2024 00:37

You have to phase out the creepy friend. His boundary-crossing texts and declarations of feelings mean you need to be very very clear with him. Tell him now you have a boyfriend things need to shift a bit. And start by ignoring his texts after work. Completely ignore them.

Original poster
Lillywhites · 26/02/2024 00:40

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2024 00:37

I don't think there's an issue with being friends with an ex.

But

I do think having a friendship with a guy who's actively trying to seduce you is questionable. Do you quite enjoy the flirting? How inappropriate is the inappropriate texts? How serious / long / long ago was the relationship?

If partner asks why he's messaging, I think in general terms "because he's my friend" is perfectly acceptable, but I think in your circs you're playing with fire

Yes they’re very inappropriate,basically telling me what he’d like to do to me sexually,passes it off as bit of banter but yes I probably have encouraged him naively as banter

OP posts:
kkloo · 26/02/2024 00:42

How would you feel if he had a female 'friend' but it turned out that she was actually an ex and she still had feelings for him and was texting explicit things to him?

Personally I'd consider this to be cheating and all trust would be gone.

TheSlantedOwl · 26/02/2024 00:43

Christ. That’s fucking gross OP.

You need to ignore his texts and if they don’t stop reply ‘Don’t send me any more texts like that, they’re not appropriate for a friendship.”

Original poster
Lillywhites · 26/02/2024 00:46

kkloo · 26/02/2024 00:42

How would you feel if he had a female 'friend' but it turned out that she was actually an ex and she still had feelings for him and was texting explicit things to him?

Personally I'd consider this to be cheating and all trust would be gone.

Edited

Yes you are correct I wouldn’t like it at all and it does feel like cheating,I just don’t know if I should tell my current partner or whether that would make things worse

OP posts:
WhatWhereWho · 26/02/2024 00:47

How would you feel if your bf had an ex doing the same? An interested ex gf who was still interested trying it on, being sexually inappropriate and him encouraging it rather than saying stop it?

Is there a reason you have not told the ex to stop?

Deathbyfluffy · 26/02/2024 00:50

Lillywhites · 26/02/2024 00:46

Yes you are correct I wouldn’t like it at all and it does feel like cheating,I just don’t know if I should tell my current partner or whether that would make things worse

Show quote history

If you have to hide it, you’re lying by omission and if he finds out he’ll likely leave you.

There’s really no room for dishonesty in relationships and quite frankly you clearly can’t care about your partner that much if you’re hiding messages from another man who wants to shag you.

Time to be honest to both of them and get this sorted out.

EBearhug · 26/02/2024 00:52

I have a male friend with whom I have a past - we talk about stuff like getting the car MOTed and what's going on in the garden and that his father's currently in hospital. No one will have a problem with that.

I have another male friend with whom I'd still bed, should the opportunity arise, and our conversation reflects that, as well as all the bits about the garden and films we've seen and so on. But we both know should either of us get into a relationship it will stop. I'd miss talking to him about history and stuff, though.

SummerAzure · 26/02/2024 01:04

You clearly can't like your current partner that much as you are treating him very disrespectfully. Stop courting the attention from your ex, tell him you have a serious bf now and it's not appropriate. Block him if he doesn't stop. Keep a professional distance at work. He's not your friend, he's your ex.

kkloo · 26/02/2024 01:10

Lillywhites · 26/02/2024 00:46

Yes you are correct I wouldn’t like it at all and it does feel like cheating,I just don’t know if I should tell my current partner or whether that would make things worse

Show quote history

If you tell him then best case scenario is that he will demand you cut contact, are you prepared to do that?

He could break up with you though, as I said I'd see this as cheating, especially as you said your boyfriend is already suspicious and it's been bothering him. You've obviously lied or gaslighted him at some points along the way.

I’ve hidden the past truths to protect my current partner

That's not protecting him.
There would be nothing to protect him from if you'd cut the ex out.

Again, Imagine your BF had an ex he was passing off as a friend and she was being sexually inappropriate with him and then he told you he didn't tell you to 'protect' you. That's ridiculous

LifeExperience · 26/02/2024 01:43

You are not being honest with your partner and that is a big red flag against you and this "friendship."

Postie88 · 26/02/2024 01:46

As someone who has just had the worst 6 months of my life because of what I found out about my wife messaging multiple work colleagues...

If you have to hide it or lie about it you really shouldn't be doing it. It seems pretty simple to me.

Olivie12 · 26/02/2024 11:05

It's like you're having an emotional affair. You say you're only interested in friendship with him, but obviously you like all the attention and inappropriate messages you get from him. If you didn't enjoy it, you would put a definite stop to it.

Then, him texting you inappropriate messages while you are with your boyfriend? And you think that's acceptable?

If I were your boyfriend and I knew of this, I would dump you. It's emotional cheating.

It's very disrespectful.

Opentooffers · 26/02/2024 11:17

You don't need to tell your current partner, but only if you nip this in the bud.
I get it could make things awkward at work if you cut him off, but really, you've been encouraging this guy for over 18 months.
Turn off notifications of his texts, make sure you delete any gross ones after a reply - in your own time, when DP not about- that he is being inappropriate. Then make clear that you will only answer texts that are work related.
It only takes a look over your shoulder, or a bit of investigation from your rightly suspicious DP for him to uncover the impropriety, then your relationship will be stuffed.
If you have trouble doing that, it's because you are loving the ego boost and attention too much. This should not even be a hard task if you care for your DP as much as you claim. You are skirting on thin ice here.

Starlight1979 · 26/02/2024 11:45

Olivie12 · 26/02/2024 11:05

It's like you're having an emotional affair. You say you're only interested in friendship with him, but obviously you like all the attention and inappropriate messages you get from him. If you didn't enjoy it, you would put a definite stop to it.

Then, him texting you inappropriate messages while you are with your boyfriend? And you think that's acceptable?

If I were your boyfriend and I knew of this, I would dump you. It's emotional cheating.

It's very disrespectful.

This. You obviously like this "friend" texting you inappropriate stuff so not sure why you're asking for advice really???

I honestly don't know how you can say "I truly believe he’s the one I want to be with for the rest of my life" yet still have your ex / FWB / whatever texting you sexual stuff behind his back?????

Mydentity101 · 26/02/2024 14:16

Hello..

I'm not really a "Mumsnetter" I'm actually a man visiting for advice (at some point) so please, pardon my intrusion. But I must say something here..

What you're doing behind your man's back is spiteful, sneaky and without a lick of integrity involved. You know exactly what to do (cut it out today) but deep down you're loving the attention fix from the inappropriate "banter". The connection between you both is still live so stop playing Mary Poppins. Otherwise you'd be sharing sexual innuendo with your fella instead of privately with an ex who's still a work colleague.

It's a game to some people. Why would you risk destroying your current partner's feelings for you? You've potentially found yourself a keeper "worship the ground he walks on" etc, yet your chap has no idea he's already getting thoroughly played by you. I'd say he's walking into a meat grinder but that's just my own experience talking.

If you want to keep your past hanging around your life like a bad smell and it's a problem for him, leave your man be. We don't fall apart! Please don't play with people who didn't sign up for this triangulation bullshit. It's actually quite narcissistic behaviour and I somehow doubt that's you.

Bless

BluntSeal · 26/02/2024 15:02

Mydentity101 · 26/02/2024 14:16

Hello..

I'm not really a "Mumsnetter" I'm actually a man visiting for advice (at some point) so please, pardon my intrusion. But I must say something here..

What you're doing behind your man's back is spiteful, sneaky and without a lick of integrity involved. You know exactly what to do (cut it out today) but deep down you're loving the attention fix from the inappropriate "banter". The connection between you both is still live so stop playing Mary Poppins. Otherwise you'd be sharing sexual innuendo with your fella instead of privately with an ex who's still a work colleague.

It's a game to some people. Why would you risk destroying your current partner's feelings for you? You've potentially found yourself a keeper "worship the ground he walks on" etc, yet your chap has no idea he's already getting thoroughly played by you. I'd say he's walking into a meat grinder but that's just my own experience talking.

If you want to keep your past hanging around your life like a bad smell and it's a problem for him, leave your man be. We don't fall apart! Please don't play with people who didn't sign up for this triangulation bullshit. It's actually quite narcissistic behaviour and I somehow doubt that's you.

Bless

Well said.
I too am a bloke, and agree completely with what you said !

Beamur · 26/02/2024 15:07

Show your partner (and yourself) more respect.
This other guy is not your friend. It's inappropriate.

IggOrEgg · 26/02/2024 15:07

Oh how completely ridiculous. If you honestly can’t see that your ‘friendship’ is entirely inappropriate, then I’m unsure what to say. If the rush from some sleazy attention is worth more than this bloke you’re seeing, who apparently you think the world of but I’m not so sure, then crack on. Maybe your boyfriend will find out what you’ve been up to now, maybe he’ll find out later, but either way? He’ll know he can’t trust you and that you’d rather entertain other men than stay loyal to your boyfriend.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 26/02/2024 15:10

Ime neither half of a relationship should have friendships with anyone who has seen your cum face....

Purplefrock · 26/02/2024 15:12

Would you be OK with it is it was reversed?

Regardless, you're not helping anyone. You're just keeping "friend's" hopes alive. If you're really not interested and you really cared about him you'd distance yourself

arethereanyleftatall · 26/02/2024 15:14

Op, you are being bang out of order here, and giving yourself an 'oh I'm so naive' pass. You need to ask yourself honestly why you didn't put a stop to this at the first inappropriate text once you gave your serious boyfriend. Is it as a backup in case this relationship goes sour? An ego boost due to insecurity? I can't think of any good reason. If I was your boyfriend, and I found out you'd received a text like that and you hadn't put a stop to it, I'd dump you.

Shitlord · 26/02/2024 15:17

You're going to lose your boyfriend unless you manage this.

The work guy isn't a friend, he's an ex messaging you inappropriately in the hope that an opportunity for sex arises.

Your partner knows or has an idea what's happening and you haven't had the wit or decency to shut it down. Why? You're enjoying the attention?

Block work guy on your personal number. He can still message you at work regarding work.

If you really care about your partner just do it. Ex has clearly explained what he is looking for and it isn't friendship.

If he quizzes you, you have the option of acting vague 'oh I don't know... Tech' if you're concerned about his career influence, or say outright 'i did say I'm prioritising my relationship and I didn't want any more messages about sex arriving, even if meant jokily. You're obviously welcome to contact me about work things and say hello when we see each other.'.