Is it wrong to have a male friend I had a past with?

[Lillywhites]

Hello everyone,first time poster here.
can anyone advise me please,I’ve been dating a guy now for 14 months and can honestly say he’s the most caring considerate and loving guy I’ve ever been with.I absolutely worship the ground he walks on and we love eachother so much.
we get on so well in every aspect and I truly believe he’s the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.
we never argue about anything but one thing that puts a strain on things,I work an office job and have a male friend/colleague who I had a previous relationship with and he sometimes messages me out of work hours,he still has feelings for me and will sometimes messages me inappropriate things,i take it with a pinch of salt as we’ve always had this kind of humour between us and have stayed friends with him as I have to work with him everyday.i haven’t told my current partner of my past with my friend but I think he is suspicious as he’s asked why this guy keeps messaging out of hours and I can see it’s bothering him quite a bit.
I have told my friend that I’m with my current partner and I am very happy with him but nonetheless my friend is quite relentless with his pursuit,I do care about my friend as I value his friendship and don’t want to hurt him but I love my partner,I’m scared I’ve hidden the past truths to protect my current partner and that If he was to find out it would be over between us.
I really don’t know how to navigate this.

I had a uni friend that I had a small past with do this. He had a girlfriend and I was with my now DH. I told him I wanted to be friends but I wouldn't respond to messages that were flirty. He said he didn't mean anything by it and I said it was disrespectful to his partner and mine and I wouldn't be part of that. He agreed not to do it. Guess what, he stopped texting altogether. He was not interested in being friends. I imagine he found some other woman to flirt with because he's that kind of guy.

Just shut him down and say you don't want those kind of messages, it's disrespectful to your partner and you are only interested in being work colleagues. If you don't do this then you are clearly enjoying the attention.

To be honest you’ve either not been clear enough with this “friend” that you’re not up for these conversations any more or he’s not your friend because you’ve been clear and he continues to be inappropriate with no respect for your boundaries or relationship.
Tell him that he can’t send you these messages any more and block him if he continues

@delphi13 that was my experience too; he wasn’t a real friend

End your current relationship. Your boyfriend deserves far better.

Agree.

WHY haven't you told your partner about this guy? I ask this kindly but is it some ego boost?

I have close male friends I slept with a million years ago. I’m happily married. The difference is they don’t sit about describing what they’d like to do to me in bed. Because we slept together back when dinosaurs walked the earth and everyone involved has moved on.

How is it you’re ok with him sleazing around you? If it’s an ego boost, that’s pretty depressing, isn’t it?

I can see it’s bothering him quite a bit.

@Lillywhites, your BF understandably feels unsettled, yet you continue to prioritize the ego massages/sexual frisson that you share with your Ex. This is wrong on many levels. If you were really all in and committed, you’d have already shut Ex down.

BF deserves much better than your deception, disrespect and disregard.

No wonder your bf finds this inappropriate - it is. You need to block him

The minute you keep something like this from your bf, it's bad news. If you can't tell your bf something then either a) you know you're doing something wrong or b) they react badly to reasonable stuff, so you're frightened of rocking the boat.

In this case it seems to be a). TBH I'm amazed that you have to ask if it's wrong to stay in touch, behind your bf's back, with an ex, who you know still has feelings for you, and sends you inappropriate messages. Ofcourse it's wrong. It's dishonest and disrespectful.

You know how you would feel if he did it to you. Why is it OK to do it to him?

I don't think much of your ex either. Anyone who sends sexualmessages to someone who has a bf is a sleaze. He clearly doesn't respect your relationship with your bf. Probably because you haven't shown him that you respect it. Every time you accept a message from this ex; every time you fail to put him in his place; every time you respond to an inappropriate message, you're telling him it's OK to send that stuff to you. You're sending the message that you're happy with it. You're showing him you aren't serious about your bf.

You need to ask yourself why you put up with these messages. Even if you were single they wouldn't be OK if you aren't interested in him. But ask yourself - is there a part of you that still likes him? Do you like the ego boost? Do you like having him as backup?

Whatever it is, your bf deserves better.