Forgetting my birthday

[Neodymium]

My husband forgot my birthday. As in completely forgot until he looked at Facebook at work and saw others wishing me a happy birthday. My kids forgot too (14, 13 and 10). My lovely dsd did not forget, she messaged the day before asking if I would like to go out or something. My mum didn’t, she had asked me to come for dinner the day before as well.

im not a huge fan of celebrating my birthday. I’m quite introverted and parties make me uncomfortable. Plus I lost a grandparent on my birthday as a child so I find it abit sad.

at first I didn’t think I cared. After all, I’m not fussed on it so does it matter if they aren’t? But thinking about it a few weeks later is making me upset. Sure I don’t care but I’m upset that they all don’t care either. Like I’m so unimportant to everyone.

when dh realised he texted me asking if i wanted to go out and i said no I was going to mums. He came to my mums separately straight from work. Didn’t even bother to stop and get me a token gift on the way.

should I say something?

i always make a big deal of everyone’s birthdays, dh too, I cook his favourite dinner and make a cake and always have gifts for the kids to give him.

Yes you should say something. Why do women martyr themselves this way? What does he normally do on your birthday?

That is unacceptable behaviour- especially from you husband. Is your bar at that low that you put up with this? By saying nothing, not expressing your feelings you are showing them that they can treat you this way.

To be honest very little. He forgot another time too, about 8 years ago. Usually my mum phones him the week before to remind him. He might go shopping the day before and get something useless. Never bothered to get me a decent present. It’s always last minute dash to the store to grab something.

It's not good enough but you've been accepting it for so long that he probably doesn't even realise

i guess I thought because I don’t like celebrating that it didn’t really matter. But then I was thinking about it today and it made me feel upset

This. Surely the average person says things like “so what’s the plan for my birthday next month”, “wow can’t believe it’s my birthday next week” etc.

I cannot imagine a situation where I just kept silent and hoped someone remembered/made a fuss. It almost feels like a test to be honest.

I always get a big fuss made over me on my birthday/anniversary etc. but I set the expectation early on and most importantly, I use my words to communicate what I’d like.

I do think you could have brought it up on conversation the week before eg oh, remember it’s my birthday next week, maybe we could get a takeaway…. Hint hint.

Do it with the kids too. I have to with mine. My teen dc said, Get what you want from the shops and I’ll give you the money. I said, No get it yourself! They did get me something online and it was only about a fiver but I always make the point.

You need to speak to him, tell him how upset you are, then next year remind him a few days before, perhaps get excited so the kids pick up on it.

my husband would forget mine every year, when we first married he was good, a meal present ( he’s never been good with presents always gets what he wants me to have not what I want ) but then the children arrived and that was it, on my 50th I lost it, I had dropped very subtly hints a few days before but it went over his head, the kids remembered and bought gives he just stood the bemused on the day. I was so upset with him the next couple of years I got perfume. Then nothing, this year I’m 60 it’s on a bank holiday and I have raved about it, 60 on a holiday 😀. I’m not really expecting anything from him, I’ve become resigned to the fact but I know the children will do something. I’m beyond caring now.

its like Mother’s Day, I always made sure the children had something for Father’s Day, he never bothered with Mother’s Day, so over the years I stopped, Father’s Day would role round and he would be disappointed but I would point out my nonexistent Mother’s Day. Now the children are older I leave them to it, I always flowers etc Mother’s Day but they often don’t do Father’s Day I think that speaks volumes.

I understand how you feel of course OP & I sympathize but I think ideally we could let our loved ones know what matters most to us.

I think it shouldn't be a test every year. It turns something positive into a negative for the loved ones. It seems a shame somehow.

i don’t like celebrating so I’m not going to say anything like what should we do for my bday. To be honest I didn’t even really think about it til a couple days before because we got back from a huge holiday in Jan, straight back to work in a new much more challenging job and settling dd into a new school which came with its own issues, plus major repairs to our house which are ongoing. I didn’t purposely set out to test him. The night before I didn’t even see him, he went straight from work to sport, and I go to bed before he is home.

as I said i find it a sad time as it’s my grandparent’s death anniversary too so thinking about it makes me upset which is also why I didn’t bring it up.

I guess to me, it’s just another day. If I was single with no kids it wouldn’t bother me at all to do nothing. I also don’t mention it at work either.

but even though it doesn’t matter to me, it upsets me that it doesn’t matter to them too.

my grandma doesn’t care much for her bday either, for similar reasons. But I always make sure we go visit her and spend time with her with a simple cake just so she knows we love her.

@Grumpynan it’s the same here with Mother’s Day. I only get things now cause the kids drag him out to take them. But Mother’s Day is plastered all over the media so the kids know.

I don’t want to harp on about it because I really don’t want a fuss. I hate parties. But a simple happy birthday and a card would be nice. My mum offering to cook a nice meal for example. A night off cooking dinner was nice.

Agree with PPs, I just can't fathom how the conversation doesn't happen in advance. Even 'I'm going to Mum's tomorrow evening to see her for my birthday' or something.

I know DH's birthday and he knows mine (but both are marked on the kitchen calendar too!) but I just can't imagine a scenario that it wasn't mentioned in some small way in the run up.

I think it's really difficult to have it both ways, to be so averse to it being acknowledged that you don't mention it yourself at all, but then actually deep down do want it acknowledged.

So you are putting up with minimal effort from him. It’s not ok to get you a shitty present. It’s not ok for him to care so little. You are neglecting yourself in allowing this behaviour. You are upset because what your family are doing is shitty.
my current relationship is on the the rocks because of similar behaviour that I have allowed to go unchecked. Not anymore. I have called my OH out on his bullshit and minimal effort .
First he started minimising, then making excuses - now he has owned it. Get your husband to do the same.

I also cannot picture this scenario, I would be mentioning my birthday in the run up and just naturally. I don’t understand why you are silent about yours.

Because it was 2 weeks after we returned from a big holiday and one week after I started a new significantly more challenging job which I was putting long hours into. And renovations to our house. Definitely no time to sit and chat to each other. We don’t currently have space to sit and chat as there is only a kitchen and bedrooms in our house. Between my sport, his sport and the kids activities we don’t have much time to talk at the best of times.

most of the conversations we did have were about the Reno’s, the insurance claim (we sustained damage to our house while we were away), an ongoing legal battle with a company dh is trying to get something refunded, or telling him to get the kids from somewhere.

definitely a hectic start to the year, so it’s not surprising he forgot really. But when he realised and still not do anything, I think that’s what is making me upset.

This is absolutely disgraceful behaviour from you DH, and your children, who are old enough to know better. But they are largely taking their cue from your husband. I don't know what to advise, except to let them know very clearly that you feel completely under-valued and ignored.

And for heaven's sake, start putting yourself first now and then.

another reason I don’t mention anything is I hate surprise parties. My well meaning sister has organised so many surprise parties for me over the years. Because I don’t organise myself anything as I don’t like parties. Surprise hens night, surprise baby shower, 3 surprise bdays that I can think of. I absolutely hate it. I obviously can’t tell her at the time when she has gone to all the trouble. But I do always say please don’t organise anything again in future. Last year was my 40th and I spent the lead up filled with anxiety and dread that I was going to get a surprise party, despite telling her and my husband to please not do that again.

Not facebook again
OP, people do forget, it is no big deal IMO.

Birthdays are one day of your lives. It the 0ther 364 days you need to weigh their actions up on

Happy birthday

You shouldn't have to remind your partner when your birthday is.

All these people gaslighting you for not reminding your husband 🙄,.its not like he's a random friend or something he should know these dates. Bet you don't need reminding its his birthday.

Well to be completely honest his behaviour the rest of the year isn’t amazing either

Honestly I would stop bothering for any of their birthdays, kids as well.

On the morning of their birthday, I would shrug and say 'oh I thought we weren't doing birthdays this year as you all forgot mine' and just walk off.

Why is it your job to remember, I bet he doesn't do anything for the kids birthdays and it's all down to you anyway.

Another shit husband

Well, in that case, only you can decide your next steps

Good luck and I sincerely mean that.!

My children, even as teens, remembered my birthday.

And the only reason my birthday is discussed before the day is because my DH might ask what I'd like to do

I don't ever have to raise it myself.

@Neodymium

You need to talk to your husband about how upset you are. Your children are clearly following his example. And stop making any fuss at all about his as he clearly doesn't think birthdays are important

And you can easily have low-key celebrations. You just need to known they care

But to a lot of people it IS a big deal and that needs to be considered by the person who's supposed to love you.