Forgetting my birthday

[Neodymium]

My husband forgot my birthday. As in completely forgot until he looked at Facebook at work and saw others wishing me a happy birthday. My kids forgot too (14, 13 and 10). My lovely dsd did not forget, she messaged the day before asking if I would like to go out or something. My mum didn’t, she had asked me to come for dinner the day before as well.

im not a huge fan of celebrating my birthday. I’m quite introverted and parties make me uncomfortable. Plus I lost a grandparent on my birthday as a child so I find it abit sad.

at first I didn’t think I cared. After all, I’m not fussed on it so does it matter if they aren’t? But thinking about it a few weeks later is making me upset. Sure I don’t care but I’m upset that they all don’t care either. Like I’m so unimportant to everyone.

when dh realised he texted me asking if i wanted to go out and i said no I was going to mums. He came to my mums separately straight from work. Didn’t even bother to stop and get me a token gift on the way.

should I say something?

i always make a big deal of everyone’s birthdays, dh too, I cook his favourite dinner and make a cake and always have gifts for the kids to give him.

Firstly, he is a lazy selfish prick for not remembering and not helping your kids to remember too. It's not ok at all.

But, OTOH you have kind of created a situation where he feels it's ok to not bother.

You have to say what you need in relationships and mean it. We don't and then there's endless threads on Mumsnet about how sad we are but should I tell him? Yes you fucking should!!

My partner knows that I want a hoopla on my birthday. Gifts, cake, whatever. I'll have a night out with my friends, we might have a day out together.

He knows this because he knows me. I know he's more low key but still likes to be celebrated!

V day less of a thing but we don't ignore it.

We don't need a day to celebrate how much we love each other but an excuse is nice.

He knows that household appliances don't count as gifts unless it's something really special and fancy.

Now some people might say I'm demanding. People on here would think it's ridiculous a woman in her 30s wants to celebrate her birthday (they're arseholes) but I'm not sad on my birthday. My needs are met, I feel loved.

We need to start asserting ourselves and raising our expectations.

I would tolerate him 'forgetting' my birthday maybe once for a really good reason but after that, nope.

If you don't feel thought of and cherished in your relationship then it's a shit one.

He’s a twat.

But I am not sure you can have it all ways. You argue on the one hand that you’ve all been so busy that you barely remembered your birthday yourself. And that you hate a fuss on your birthday.

So, if you still intend to be with this inconsiderate turd next year, make it very clear what you expect.

’I was very hurt that you forgot my birthday and even when you remembered you didn’t make the effort of getting a card. It’s my birthday on <date> please put a reminder in your phone.

Next year I expect a card from you and one from the DC. I expect at least an expensive bunch of flowers from you. I don’t ever want a surprise party. ‘

If he doesn’t follow through with that, decide whether it’s worth staying with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you.

I have to do this with DP even though he remembers the date (I do remind him a lot) he has no clue what to buy so I give him two specific options to choose from! I get something I want and there’s no pressure on him to guess what I want. Works for me anyway.

💐 🎁

Very true @yourlobster I definitely need to raise the expectations. Not just bday but everything.

i think it’s hitting home today because I’m really struggling at work with the increased workload, being full time now, my house in a state, and everyone just seems to take for granted that I will do everything. Today I spent the day dropping kids off and picking them up from their activities, took dd shopping for clothes, dropped one son off to hang out with a friend, another son to his part time job, collecting things for them ect. Then come home and still nagging me to do this do that where is this shirt help me do this ect.

Tell him now you are full time he will need to wash, iron and put away his own clothes, and share responsibility 50:50 for other household chores including DC activities.

List all the things you do. Ask him which ones he will take over from you.
Allocate some simple ones to DC who also appear to take you for granted.

Stop being his maid.

See if you can claw some respect back from him the absolute bell end.

I commented on that and it was not gas lighting. I genuinely, really genuinely, do not understand how an upcoming birthday would not naturally come up in conversation between a husband and wife.

Mine is in April, my husband has just said to me that he is thinking about presents for me. Last month we decided to book a trip for my birthday, we spoke about that. It is DHs birthday in March and he said he didn’t want a big fuss (he will be 50) so we decided to take the day off and do a spa day and dinner. We just talk. And in the very unlikely scenario that neither of us had mentioned my birthday and the day was upon us, yes I would use my voice.

I get why birthdays are complicated for you, considering having bereavements on that day. Happy belated btw!

It sounds like you don’t really want a fuss on your birthday, but also don’t want nothing at all. From experience, I had an auntie who was similar, probably a little more confusing as she’d insist on no presents, no fuss but then meltdown when she got just that. She’d also get irritated if we made a big deal.

Perhaps there’s some mixed messages being sent from your part? You know what you would or wouldn’t want from your Husband, but if he has done helped arrange birthday parties etc in the past and you’ve also mentioned you don’t care about your birthday, he may just not know what to do. Speak to him x

@Catoo he tends to just start yelling at the kids when I ask him to do more. Drives me nuts honestly. Yes the kids need to do more but that’s irrelevant to him doing his share. He often will say he will clean up after dinner then be tired or sore or something and will say I’ll do it tomorrow and then tomorrow comes and he didn’t sleep well and I’ll do it this afternoon and next thing dishes been in the sink for 2 days.

im really fed up with his attitude. He’s always complaining he’s tired and sore , his boss is an arsehole he’s had a bad day. Honestly just whinges so much. If he has to do more than 1 trip in a day to drop the kids off ‘he’s been driving kids around all day’. I do all the pick up and drop off to school now cause I work at the kids school. So it’s only occasionally that he has to pick up someone during the week, dd from one activity one day and ds from his therapy once a fortnight.

True but all I read and hear is about woes, especially on facebook - each to their own, I guess

Same as @Picklestop I mentioned not understanding how it doesn't come up and I genuinely mean it, I'm not trying to gaslight anyone.

Our birthdays aren't until quite a bit later in the year but so far DH's has already been mentioned this week as my parents are coming to visit our newborn around the same time, and mine as DH has spread his annual leave out to have a week every 6 weeks once the baby is here and one of them falls over my birthday.

Closer to the time no doubt they'll be mentioned again. It's just natural conversation between a family surely, unless someone actively does not want to acknowledge theirs and then they can't claim insult when nobody else does!

Somebody on the thread clearly doesn’t know what gaslighting is.

THIS, so fed up with women martyrs.

I am surprised that some people think the OP should have reminded her DH that it’s her birthday . Clearly they have been together for years so why can’t he put a note in his calendar ? I know on MN that no one over the age of 5 is supposed to celebrate a birthday however I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be upset for their DH/DP to forget their birthday .

@CheeseWisely because it’s also the day that my grandparent died, which dh is aware of, this is why is not considered to me to be an upbeat occasion that I talk about and plan months in advance.

to me, it’s the same as ‘hey what are we doing for the anniversary of your grandparents death this year ? Should we go to dinner?’

most of my feelings about the day are sadness and to be honest like I said if it was just me single no kids I’d be glad to forget it. But just cause I feel that way, I just feel sad that dh does too. I didn’t even care so much that he forgot, more that once he remembered he still didn’t seem bothered. Didn’t go to the shops to get me a card or anything.

@Neodymium Do you not think then that your DH / DC take their cues from that, and don't want to potentially upset you by making a fuss of a date that you would obviously prefer to forget yourself?

@CheeseWisely no I don’t think so. Other years they have been excited for my bday, baked cake for me ect. I don’t mind something low key with family. I hate big parties and a big fuss. And I hate surprise parties. Last year we just went to dinner with my 2 best friends and their families and I did have a cake. And like I said this year we went to my mums she made a nice dinner and had a cake for me.

I know some people make a huge deal out of their birthday, telling people in the lead up, wearing a big birthday girl badge at work ect. I honestly could not think of anything worse. Another old friend does pre birthday week birthday week and post birthday week. With lunches and dinners and celebrations for 3 weeks.

I'm not massively bothered about my birthday either. We often only get each other a card and that's it.

But if my husband forgot it, when he later contacted me after seeing it on Facebook, I'd have told him I was unimpressed and that I expected some effort to be made for me the following weekend, or whenever.

My children, at your children's ages would have known my birthday. So it's on them to have noticed.

Im thinking that youve been been giving off negative vibes and they don't want to.

As to your partner. I don't know what to say

I don’t think I blame them, the at best enormously mixed messages you are sending. but even though it doesn’t matter to me, it upsets me that it doesn’t matter to them too.
op, stand in front of a mirror. Look at it. Say 1. My birthday matters
2.yes it is a sad anniversary, but it is also my birthday.
3.i know i don’t want a big party, I don’t want a surprise party for sure. This is NOT saying I don’t want anyone to remember my birthday.
4.I do want the people closest to me to remember it, you all make me feel like a complete nonentity by totally ignoring it. I want you to have cooked or booked a meal and a cake and gone and gotten something small like flowers. I want you all to have cards for me that say happy birthday. I want you in particular husband ti be less of the grumpy arsehole you are all the time now who thinks you shouldn’t have to do stuff around the house because that’s your boring worthless wife’s job
5.I want you to think I matter!! I want you to show this by remembering my birthday.
6.since you didn’t I’ve taken a few days off and you will have to get dc to school etc an if i hear one single moan or grump from you I swear it will be justified homicide. If you treat me like I’m invisible you cannot expect me to just keep making your life easier day in and day out.

now go say it to your dh, book somewhere and go. Don’t send mixed messages. Don’t tell them you don’t want to celebrate.in the future say your usual ‘ i don’t want a big fuss… but i love to get cards and cake and dinner planned.’

I wouldn't be doing the effort for him. Clearly this is not a one time event and the only way to learn a lesson is to feel it. I would be forgetting everyone's but my step daughters and mums!