My boyfriend is moving in

[SpringleDingle]

I am not sure if I am looking for advice or just want to share my good news! 6 years after I divorced my exH, my boyfriend of 14 months and I have taken the decision that he will move in next month. My DD is on board (she got consulted first). We've discussed money and chores and what happens if we break up and I am happy we are on the same page (no cocklodging or manchilding will be accepted).

I'm 46 and I feel 26 again. I'm delighted, a little nervous about sharing my space and not looking forward to the mechanics of trying to work out which of our joint posessions is kept and which is disposed of. However I just told my parents and my sister (we are all very close) and they were lovely about it (my mum has form for being a judgemental arse now and then!)

I guess - any advice?

Start as you mean to go on.

If something bothers you, talk about it. Obviously we aren't all the same and there are minor niggles which can be overlooked and ignored, but anything you think 'this is always going to bother me' or 'this isn't fair, I'm doing more work / have less downtime / am spending more money' etc' - talk about it there and then.

These things get worse with time not better, if left unsaid.

And make sure your DD doesn't feel left out. Make sure she gets plenty of mum time to herself.

Congratulations! It's so nice that your DD is on board and that your family are happy for you.
I'm relocating in 4 months (back to my hometown, been away 15 years) and will be moving in with my boyfriend. After a 15 year relationship (6 years married) I definitely plan to start as we mean to go on.
It's so refreshing to be excited and giddy over something isn't it 😊I feel like I'm getting a second chance at a happy home life.

I would look at getting a cohabitation agreement drawn up by a solicitor to protect yours and his interests in the event the relationship goes wrong.

Atilla, whenever I see you comment, you always speak so much sense.

14 months?! That's extremely quick especially when you have a DD. Bloody hell. Massively irresponsible

I am happy to consider a cohabitation agreement, I'll speak to my solicitor. We have already agreed to keep finances completely separate. I have my mortgage paid off so wouldn't be charging him rent so he will have no financial stake in the house. He will make a small contribution to cover the increase in council tax, energy bills, food etc.

My DD13 was consulted about this move before we agreed to it. She likes him but we've agreed some ground rules that she suggested to protect her space and her time with me. She is away EOW (with her Dad) so on the weekends she is home she and I will continue to do what we normally do and my DP will do his own thing and look after the dog for us. We are booking a girls weekend away and DP will dog-sit. I wfh full time so DP won't be alone with me DD. He doesn't have kids so that is easy. If it all goes pear shaped he can move back out and I'm pretty sure DD wouldn't find that upsetting. My sister is a cop and lives on the same road so should he turn difficult overnight I'd have plenty of support in removing him (although it seems highly unlikely to me!)

I don't feel like I am being irresponsible, I am fully 100% financially and emotionally independent and I will remove him from the house if there are issues.

LemonDrizzle69 - Good luck with your move too! :)

He will make a small contribution to cover the increase in council tax, energy bills, food etc

Cocklodger. What will happen to all the money he’s saving on his rent and bills?

There's always one! 🙄

In the first 6 - 12 months he will bank the additional money he is saving on rent and bills in case he needs to move out. Longer term it is our intention to move to the coast together and savings on both sides will help fund a property with more land. We haven't agreed how to save money together longer term. Probably some sort of joint savings. He would like to marry in the future but that's a bigger deal for me as I'd want to protect my assets.

I currently earn a considerable amount of money so will still be in a position to save more per month than he does even if I ask him to pay nothing into the house so it doesn't feel unfair to me. I already pay for all my own expenses and I don't need his money so there's no need for him to pay rent or to subsidise me in any way.

Well this gives me hope, I'm you 6 years ago and caught in a nasty divorce with a nasty man feeling like there's no hope. This has made my day as I've felt a bit doomed, getting older, life passing by and being stuck in a rut. Good luck and I hope it all works out nicely for you.

Maybe he'll use it to treat her to holidays and weekends away.

I think OP is being sensible. She has no mortgage and by him covering his share of the bills and food only he will not have any claim on her property.

He pays all his share of holidays, regularly buys me dinner and gifts and has arranged a lovely weekend away (at his expense) next month (even accounting for my dog!) Honestly he isn't trying to get a free ride, but if I take his salary to pay "rent" then all I'll be doing with it is stuffing it in my savings and he'd be less able to afford his share of our vacation plans... It just seems a strange thing to me to do just to make it look "fair" on paper. Equitable doesn't always mean equal.

@SpringleDingle Where did he live before? Its worth him having an exit strategy.

I don't think he should just pay the increase in bills because he's there, that makes him gain loads while you gain nothing, and you should both be gaining as living together should be cheaper for both of you. Better that he pays half of bills and food, it's still going to be a good deal for him.
Beyond that, good luck, hope it works out for you. There's not too much wrong with your plan. Just being at the mercy of him doing the holidays when he feels like it is a tad hit and miss and potentially could be handing over some independence.
Is it that he's been paying for away days so far, or have you properly agreed that this will continue to be his reasonsibility?

We have discussed and booked our main summer holiday for this year already and it was a joint decision. The weekend away next month was a treat he booked for me to return to a city I used to live in that I’ve spoken about visiting. It was just a nice gesture. For larger holidays we’d book together.

Currently he rents but his mum lives nearby so I guess at a push he could stay there until he rented a new place if I needed him out immediately. He’ll have references and a deposit if he needed to go back to renting and rentals aren’t massively scarce here.

I'm sorry but he should be paying half of all bills- he will be paying no rent, that's already a massive saving for him
Why on earth would you think you need to entirely fun another adult after barely a year dating in order to be "fair"
Appreciation will quickly lead to expectation then to resentment
Anytime I have been overly generous to someone in work or my personal life I have always always regretted it. They lose all respect for you and think you are a mug.

I'd ask him to contribute 1/3rd of the household bills. Half is too much in the circumstances.

Don't listen to the usual mn doom mongers saying you shouldn't move in with someone until you've been together 10 years. Reality is you can't know someone fully until you've lived with them, whether that's after 6 months or 6 years.

Firstly, congratulations, I hope it works out for you.

I don't understand why people are saying he should pay half the bills, she has a DD so there will be 3 of them and considering the DD is 13 she will eat adult sized portions. I think covering the increase in costs is a great start.

In our house we had family meetings where everyone came to the table and we just checked that everyone felt things were fair and any issues could be raised without condemnation from anyone. You could call a meeting at any time, you didn't have to wait for it to be scheduled. We are not a blended family but it meant the children got used to putting forward their views and negotiating things like later bedtime, more tech time.

Dh and I also have financial "meetings" where we just chat through finances, again I think it is good to be open about money and intentions on spending what and on what.

He should pay half of all bills, that is still an amazing deal. Plus see a solicitor so he can never have any claim on your house.

You are an absolute mug to accept less. You are both adults, adults pay their way.

He gets to save loads of money while you subsidise him.
It’s a tale as old as time, woman is too nice, gets shafted financially.

I think you are being taken for a mug. The bills should be split evenly between the adults in the house, other than maybe food. And you should be benefiting from sharing your life with another adult, not just him.

I would 100% not consider charging him half the bills. I have DD and he should not be subsidising her, he is not her dad or her stepdad (she’s too old for a step parent). Asking him to contribute to 30% of the bills feels fairer. There are 3 of us living here, eating, showering, using the heating, etc..
As he won’t be paying rent or for large renovation projects he definitely has no legal right to any part of my house.

Just wanted to update - my DP moved in 2 weeks ago. He is pulling his weight on the chores, my DD says having him here is great fun and the dog is in love!! It's been a bit of a change for both of us as we've lived solo for 6 and 9 years respectively but I think we are both adapting well. I am loving it! I woke up this morning and he was there to give me a cuddle 😍

All sounded great until you said he wanted to marry you.

DON’T

So happy for you. That feeling of waking up next to them never gets old!

Same situation, sexes reversed and see if you're happy with the arrangement.