Any women in their 50’s unhappy in their relationships but worried about being single again?

[BigButtons]

I know I need to leave the one I am in.
been with him for 5 years. It was my first relationship for 10 years after leaving my abusive partner.
In many ways he is a lovely man, but ultimately a comment phobe.
sex had all but stopped and there is rarely any non sexual intimacy either.
He is long term depressed and I realise I have been dragged down with him.
I don’t feel ‘myself’ any more.
I am scared of being alone even though I feel shittu as it is.
I worry that I am now too old to find any one decent. Not prepared to do OLD.

It's a cliché, but better to be lonely by yourself than lonely in a relationship. It's a bit different if you have small DCs together and are trapped financially, but this doesn't sound like the case here. Another good cliché in your situation is that you have nothing to fear [as far as singledom is concerned] but fear itself.

What is so awful to you about being on your own?. Time to find out who you really are, you do not need a man to validate you or your existence.

People get bogged down in their sunk costs; do not let this be you.

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. Being alone in a relationship is not good and the longer you remain in this, the harder it will feel to leave. He is not a lovely man if he is a commitment phobe and you feel you have been dragged down with him; he is just another Mr Wrong.

I guess you also need to define the "anyone decent" that you're supposedly too old for. Are you looking for a specific age/type, or just someone kind, presentable and compatible? The latter might not grow on trees, but they mostly aren't the type to screen out women their own age.

Can you not try and see if there’s a way to help with his depression rather than just walking away?
Obviously it’s not your job to fix him, but I couldn’t leave someone behind who needed help.

What exactly are you scared about being single?

Im in my 50’s been single 4 years and it’s absolutely liberating. I love my own space and the freedom to do exactly what I choose, when I choose to without having anyone else to consider.

In what way is being on your relationship where you’re no happy and can’t be yourself preferable to living alone free to be you?

I would find it impossible to live with a man again now.

Commitment phobia on its own, i am not aire is the main issue - do you really need to be married? Most of my friends in late 40s, 50s - don’t care about marriage per se.
But at least - it’s nice to have companionship and intimacy.

But - all report slim pickings of men in that age group. Many men with ED, and other issues. Or ones who are into raging mid-life crisis and chasing young women. Lots of damaged and bitter men. Etc.

And - if you don’t want OLD - then it’s even harder. People almost never meet in real life these days.

So - yes - MN will tell you - you are better off alone. And for some people it’s true. But i also seem to have a lot of friends who have been alone for a while and don’t like it. And all think they need to compromise on something to be in a relationship.

Is your bf getting any treatment for his depression?

I worry that I am now too old to find any one decent

See, I think that's feeding your thinking about being single -that you're just in a holding pattern until the next relationship comes along and that being single is some sort of second best to be endured in the short term. Have a look on this site and you'll find a lot of positive threads about how much women enjoy being single - I mean, can it be worse than being with a depressed commitmentphobe who you admit is dragging you down?

There are slim pickings at any age of decent men. I’m in your age demographics I find that amongst my women friends the ones that are a bit like yourself and that have never had a really decent relationship are the ones who want a relationship. It feels like they haven’t ever managed to have the experience so hope to still. The ones who have had a decent relationship seem far more content with being alone.

Just a word of encouragement. I was widowed at 51, in what I'd always thought of as a happpy marriage, to a good man, but in the 4 years since, I can see I lost something of myself whilst married and feel I have flourished into the person I was supposed to be. I loved him, I miss him often, seeing my (adult) DCs struggle without their father to support is awful, but being single is a happy state for a middle aged woman IMO.

OP, I think you have to ask yourself WHY you're scared of being alone. Just what is it that bothers you? Most people can see the many attractions of being single by the time they reach their 50s.

Thank you all.
My children are all older now and I am longing to find out who I really am.
No,I have never had a decent relationship. Always picked the wrong men and ran away from the nice ones.
I have been encouraging him to get help for his depression for some time. He is finally trying to seek counselling- but that happens in fits and spurts.
I realise that I am no longer interested in dressing up. It’s like I have lost myself.
He has no passion or drive and it is pointless trying to look nice.
I am currently off work with a nasty virus and he won’t come round because he doesn’t want to catch it. He knows how important it is for me to have a little bit of company when unwell. He prefers to be left alone when he is ill so I respect that. Seems he can’t do the same.
He knows we have issues. We have had heated discussions. All I hear from him is ‘ I have a lot to think about. Things need to change or this will end’ then he does nothing.

@BeaRF75 I want someone to give me a hug. I want someone to want me, to find me attractive. I suppose I stay with him for the crumbs, the texts and meet ups a few times a week. But increasingly the meets ups leave me more and more empty and angry and I find myself dreading them.
He is always tired. If he comes to mine all I get is a face of thunder when he walks in the door and him huffing and puffing and saying how tired he is.
My daughters(20 and 18) who live in the house have noticed.
He is obsessed with his work. He gives everything he has to it.

Just end it with him OP.

Deal with that first and take it from there.

Fearing the future is no reason to be miserable in the present.

You will be just fine regardless.

Ask your kids for a hug. They love you unconditionally.

Seems an easy decision to me.

Neither of you are happy, you’re not married, you don’t live together so it can all be ended with a conversation.

Being alone can be so great. Genuinely think it’s underrated in society.

Being alone vs being in an unhappy relationship is BLISS.

I have been in a long relationship with a man who's actually more than decent, he's amazing and we're still very good friends to this day. But gosh I wasn't happy, just not a good match, and not enough romantic love after a few years, just habit.
I wasn't miserable, but wasn't happy either.

When we broke up and I finally settled in my new singleton pad with my dog, I felt like something clicked and a massive weight was lifted from my shoulders. I'm now in a living-apart-relationship, have been for years, and that feeling remains.

I think it's really sad if by the wise and experienced age of 50 you still think you need to be in a relationship. I found it so liberating when I realised that if I split with my DH I'd quite enjoy the single life and all the benefits that brings

Just end it. Your daughters will thank you. Why should they put up with a miserable bloke invading their space.
I am another happy Middle Aged singleton with children of a single age and I wouldn’t inflict that on them. Being single is wonderful.

I would say I would miss the sex. There is hardly any sex to miss and what is was was hugely disappointing.

This!
Fearing for the future is no reason to be miserable in the present.
He sounds awful.
I became single, after an 18 year relationship, at age 49.
I'm so much happier now.
Don't stay miserable with this man

I have to say @BigButtons you have as much chance of striking oil in your back garden, as you have of finding a decent, good, reliable unattached man over the age of 45. I have been with DH for over 30 years, and I want to slap him with a wet haddock sometimes, as he can be a pain in the arse. (sometimes!) He can also be a bit moany and whiny - and he is quite lazy. But he has a good heart, and will do stuff if I ask. (Occasionally without asking!!!)

And we have some laughs together, and I enjoy his company most of the time. And we do love each other! He is kind and thoughtful, and has never forgotten a single birthday, Valentine's Day, or anniversary. Also our 2 wages carry us well, and we have a decent amount of surplus income and a nice, fairly comfortable life. I would never leave him just because he is annoying sometimes, and dominates the TV sometimes! I would struggle financially without him. I would cope, but would not have any luxuries or holidays.

But if he died (or even left me) I would never EVER look for another man. I have heard so many dreadful, negative things about men over 45, from soooo many middle aged women. The pool is full of toxic men who are either needy and possessive, or nonchalant and unreliable, or they are grabby and greedy cocklodgers. Most of them just want to shag straight away. At a couple of years off my 60s. I never want sex again. (Luckily DH is on the same page and we have been this way for about 7-8 years.) So any 'new man' would not be getting any!!!

So I would just stay on your own. Don't settle for the shitty end of the stick, just to say 'I've got a boyfriend.'

Even if a man did pursue me (if I was single again/widowed,) I doubt VERY much that I would enter into a relationship. I just honestly couldn't be arsed!

.

Big Buttons

re your comment:
"My children are all older now and I am longing to find out who I really am.
No, I have never had a decent relationship. Always picked the wrong men and ran away from the nice ones".

Why did you run?. That could well have its roots in your childhood. What sort of relationship example did your parents show you?.

I hope you do find out who you are because you are truly being dragged down by this man. Do not indeed settle for this from him merely because you are afraid of being on your own. What relationship lessons does that send
your daughters?. Would you want this for them, no you would not and you should insist on better for your own self. And they likely wonder as well what on earth you're doing with him, this miserable lump of a man.

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are truly being further eroded by this man now. If you've never completed the Freedom Programme it is a must do action for you now.

I’m in my 50s and been single for about 10 years.

What I don’t miss is all those small disappointments of being in a crappy relationship. You said it would be nice if he visited because you are ill, when he doesn’t visit it’s not a huge thing, but you’re left feeling disappointed. Multiply that up by all the times you would have like him to bring you a cup of tea, or done the washing up without you asking - all those little things that show somebody really cares.

@AttilaTheMeerkat oh for certain childhood issues for which I have had loads of counselling and am have some again now.
i have attachment issues. I have a disorganised attachment style. I loved my late mother but I also feared and despised her.
I actually think that current partner reminds me of my dad- he was also emotionally unavailable.
when I was with abusive ex I read the book about abuser types but I never did the programme.
it will be useful to talk this over with my counsellor next week.
Leaving / loosing a relationship fills me with the terror of abandonment. That is why I stay when I should go.
also a fear of failure and sunk costs.
but I can’t deny how I feel now. I am beginning to despise him. I want to shake him.
I am also to blame because I chose to ignore all the signs that he wasn’t suitable because I so wanted him to be.
you are all being very helpful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and stories.
One of my best friends has been single for a year after 1 years of misery and she says she is the happiest she has ever been.

Hi OP. I'm 45, married for 20 years, looking forward to be single again. My husband is an uneducated vulgar bully. Child free. Married for convenience, since my parents were abusive.
Currently waiting for my 80 year old mother in another country to disappear, so I can finally run from my "relationship".
So, there are another unhappy ones. Leave when it's right for you.
Apologies for being blunt.

Big buttons

Am so very sorry you lucked out when it came to your parents and they both let you down abjectly. It is not your fault they were the ways they were and you never made them this way. Children are programmed to love their parents anyway no matter how crap or abusive. Your mother was abusive and your dad was no better either. They taught you an almost never ending series of crappy lessons about relationships so it is of no surprise you still do not know what a mutually respectful relationship is all about. The relationship you are in is certainly not respectful of you; he likes having you about because you are convenient and accept his breadcrumbs.

We are drawn towards the familiar because its what we know.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

The key is to clear away the distractions to rational and emotional clarity. Getting stuck in your “sunk cost” prevents you from this clarity, whether in your relationships or your investments!

You are wise to address your issues re abandonment through therapy; I hope your counsellor proves helpful in this respect.

Do read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback girl by Natalie Lue. And do look at completing the Freedom Programme.