Any women in their 50’s unhappy in their relationships but worried about being single again?

[BigButtons]

I know I need to leave the one I am in.
been with him for 5 years. It was my first relationship for 10 years after leaving my abusive partner.
In many ways he is a lovely man, but ultimately a comment phobe.
sex had all but stopped and there is rarely any non sexual intimacy either.
He is long term depressed and I realise I have been dragged down with him.
I don’t feel ‘myself’ any more.
I am scared of being alone even though I feel shittu as it is.
I worry that I am now too old to find any one decent. Not prepared to do OLD.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for such a helpful and insightful post.
When my mum was alive, all through my childhood and adulthood I was told that I was over sensitive, self indulgent and selfish if I expressed upset or need. Consequently one area I find almost impossible is to gauge whether what I am feeling, what I am asking for is reasonable and valid. I have no idea. Literally no idea so I have to go to external sources like MN or to friends, books, podcasts etc to find the answer.
This has often led me to put up with sub par relationships because I believed it when I was told I was expecting too much.
in my current relationship my very avoidant partner was tactile and loving for at least 6 months. It began to tail off thereafter. When I brought his lack of physical affection up a couple of months ago he said it was not normal for couples to be affectionate after 5 years together.
in my heart I believe that is not true, but he is angling it that I am the person with unreasonable expectations.
They might well be unreasonable for him, but they are not unreasonable per se.
I am actually reading Mr Unavailable at the moment and it is a real eye opener. It is part of the reason I started this thread as it is pushing me towards being brave enough to make the break that I have to make.
currently ill at home and apart from a very quick call this morning he has not touched base again. He promised to.
He didn’t even bother with a text during his lunch hour.
I have no doubt he found time to go on his various messaging groups though.
He is clearly not interested.
He will also not come round because he doesn’t want the bug.
I think that is shocking behaviour.
I feel very angry.
I am also asking myself whether I have a right to feel disappointed and angry.

Okay, this is not fun, loving or remotely necessary. Get rid of him!!

Honestly if you suspect that you might have an inheritance from your mother. I'd divorce him now !

To be fair I do have sympathy for him not wanting to call around when you are very sick, some people are just very wary of that stuff so I'm not sure I'd hold that against him.

@Crazycrazylady he didn’t used to be like this- not in the early days. It happened during covid times. Although he is quite happy to be surrounded by germs all day in his job.

We have a single, Sixty something friend of the family who is tolerable in small doses, we care but we have a natural boundary between us.
His girlfriend dumped him a few years ago and we think it was the best thing for her and probably him.
He lives his own life, quite regimented. An expected event - illness, holiday, a sunny day would rock him and he'd withdraw. It was and is always about him, he'd never make the effort to listen or push beyond his comfortzone and was always negative. The ex that got away was joyous and unfairly did the heavy lifting in that relationship. We love our friend but he is lazy and careless with other people's feelings.

I am 52 and been on my own almost 5 years, marriage ended as we just weren’t happy. Sometimes I think I should’ve just sucked it up then I give my head a wobble! I’m fine on my own but I do miss being with someone but he’s got to be right for me and my kids otherwise I’ll just stick to be on my own

There's only one part I agree with him, and that is that it's fair not to want to willingly expose someone to a virus - I'm surprised you think at all that it's a reasonable thing to expect anyoneto come round who doesn'thave to, especially post covid.
But apart from that, he's all sorts of wrong and you know the problem lies with you and why you put up with it.
It should be easy to end something that has gone bad when you don't live together. Your problem is craving esteem boosts from others, rather than giving yourself a boost. You may well find you feel better about yourself once you dump him, and it won't hurt if your DC's give you a 'well done' for it.
You've done 10 years on your own and the world didn't end, you know it cam be done. Somehow, probably through counselling, you need to find ways of making yourself feel good instead. Maybe make a list of things you'd like to do instead of being with him - I'm sure he saps your time and energy. Hobbies, fitness, days out, make a big list of plans. Start with the easy aims, do one, tick it off, then give yourself a pat on the back for it. You can start doing this while he's still in the background. Hopefully it will give you the gumption to get rid in time when you start to feel better about yourself and see what fun you can have without him.

@Opentooffers thank you for the reply. I had a very honest conversation with him tonight. I know he doesn’t want it to end. He has a lot to work on and he knows it, as do I. I told him would not put up with the crumbs he was throwing me. I have had enough.

I am glad you are thinking about what is right for you. It’s hard but so important x

It has been 5 years since we separated. I was so put off by the men who 'tried it on' with me I just resigned myself to The DC, work and celibacy. Gradually I felt happier, then I met a woman, we became friends and lovers. She was divorced from an abusive man.
Many of the women I now meet are in a similar situation to you and me OP.
We get friendship, companionship lots of hugs and some intimacy. We are worried about old age, but are throwing ourselves into work/career hobbies and most of all not carrying the weight of someone else's problem is liberating.