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Original poster

How does your OH behave when you are ill?

27 replies

BigButtons · 22/02/2024 21:34

Not talking serious illness but things like bad enough colds and other viruses.
i don’t live with mine OH but he refuses to be near me when I have a cold type virus because he doesn’t want to catch it. He won’t come in my house and doesn’t want me in his.
He works in a minor injuries unit where there are loads of people coming in all day with the same kind of viruses I currently have.
I work in a primary school and have caught a stupid amount of bugs since the autumn. I don’t go out of my way to avoid them. It’s just life.
whilst I understand, in theory, him wanting to avoid the bugs I feel pissed off , one that I haven’t got anyone to care for me, just a bit and two that he only wants to see me if I am well.
we have been together 5 years and he never used to be like this.
Thinking on it I think changed during covid times when his work meant he wasn’t allowed to be in known contact with anyone with covid.

OP posts:
Pataya · 22/02/2024 21:37

So he is desensitized to you being ill because its an old relation and he sees a lot worse daily so thinks no biggie and you just need time to recover. What would he do if he came over?
If he got sick would it have serious consequences? For example on zero contract he would lose out on money, i dont know what his work policy is like maybe they make you test for covid and if it is he loses a lot of days?
Anyways I think his boundaries are sensible.

Original poster
BigButtons · 22/02/2024 21:59

It’s not that way at all. He is always saying that people come in for really minor illnesses that they can manage at home, yet he has been encouraging me to go to the unit! I have told him I have a virus that will most likely clear up on its own and certainly won’t be wasting NHS resources - but O am feeling really rubbish.
i was sent home from work today.

When he is ill you would think no one has ever been as ill. I get his symptoms given to me in minute detail.
it would be nice to be cared for just a bit. I get asked often phone how I am feeling but there is no offer of care because he only wants to be around me if I am well. It’s all at a distance.
I am not dying but I feel really shit and if would be nice if he offered to get me some dinner. He isn’t on zero hours and the nurses in the unit are often off sick.

OP posts:
HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere · 22/02/2024 22:02

Just ignores me or acts as if I'm fine.

If I'm really ill I'm treated like an out of order appliance.

Original poster
BigButtons · 22/02/2024 22:06

HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere · 22/02/2024 22:02

Just ignores me or acts as if I'm fine.

If I'm really ill I'm treated like an out of order appliance.

That’s awful

OP posts:
TeabySea · 22/02/2024 22:39

He'll check on me to see if I need anything, and bring drinks, medicine, or food. He'll let me sleep. He'll do childcare, meals etc.
At least, that's what happened last time I was unwell.

Belovedbagle · 22/02/2024 23:00

I must admit if I didn't live with my partner, unless they were really ill and needed me I'm not sure I'd go round just to catch it!

In answer to your question, depends how ill i am.. if I'm in bed he'll make me tea, hang out washing and do my house jobs. If I'm up and about its business as usual.

Secondstart1001 · 22/02/2024 23:03

Mine insisted on sleeping next to me even when I had Covid. He looks after me well when I’m sick .. don’t live together FT but if im
not well he will offer to come over … your OH tends to be a bit extreme! Post Covid anxiety? I do feel sorry for you would be nice to have some TLC … my Ex H never looked after me .. it made me feel worse having lack of care.

mollyfolk · 22/02/2024 23:05

He acts annoyed to be honest🤔 he’s lovely otherwise. He can’t really handle the whole family on his own. He only thinks of himself being overloaded.

Organaforever · 22/02/2024 23:29

Usually makes sure he gets more ill somehow.

HelpMePleaseeee · 23/02/2024 00:49

I had a bug last week and he went to the shop to buy me a lucozade and chocolate. He kissed me when leaving the room and said “meh, if I get ill I get ill” 😂

Difference is I live with him, I suppose. I guess it’s fair enough if somebody didn’t want to come round and catch it but it sounds as if your OH could at least be making more effort, even dropping something over 💐

sprigatito · 23/02/2024 00:55

I'm ill at the moment and mine went out in the rain at lunchtime to get a particular variety of biscuit I fancied. He's brought me drinks and medicine, and took photos of my tomato seedlings for me because I was too ill to go and check on them.

I think you can tell a lot about how someone feels about you from the way they treat you when you're ill. There's nothing in it for them, you're not going to reward them with sex and you're not great company because you feel rotten. They look after you because they love you, as you would do for them. I think you need to be really frank with your DH about how this makes you feel, and if he doesn't feel mortified and change his ways, it would really make me question the relationship.

GKD · 23/02/2024 02:41

Live together.

Same as if he is ill, sends me to bed and does everything in house/DC while checking to care for me.

But we do keep our distance to try and stop the other getting ill. The well person will sleep in spare room after kitting out the invalid with supplies.

admittedly, I do wilted flower - he is more stoic…

ShareTheDuvet · 23/02/2024 02:45

Takes care of me and the kids without complaint. Always has. He’s never ill so I can’t return the love 😄❤️

OooScotland · 23/02/2024 02:55

HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere · 22/02/2024 22:02

Just ignores me or acts as if I'm fine.

If I'm really ill I'm treated like an out of order appliance.

Married 23 years and mine is like this. I once ‘joked’ that if I couldn’t get out of bed he would let me starve for days while thinking he was doing me a favour by ‘fending for himself’. He didn’t deny that that is what would happen ☹️

MsRosley · 23/02/2024 02:55

I think you can tell a lot about how someone feels about you from the way they treat you when you're ill. There's nothing in it for them, you're not going to reward them with sex and you're not great company because you feel rotten. They look after you because they love you, as you would do for them.

This. The first time I realised my DH was deeply selfish was when I got flu and he basically left me to fend for myself for three days. That, or he tries to 'out-ill' me by getting it worse. As a result, I take absolutely no notice of him either when he's sick. He's made his bed, and he can lie in it.

DaftyLass · 23/02/2024 03:01

He picks up all the slack without being asked , makes sure I am looked after, but also won't come near me.
Basically I'm banished to the bedroom, he brings me meals and cleans the house.
He is careful, not just for himself, but it impacts a lot of others if he brings sickness to work

LifeExperience · 23/02/2024 03:08

Dh waits on me hand and foot, as I do for him when he's ill.

Original poster
BigButtons · 23/02/2024 06:43

I am so happy for those of you who have lovely men that step up- as they should.
I had a chat with him yesterday about it. I said I wished my mum was still around because She would have tucked me up and given me so food etc.
There was a pause and he said ‘ now I feel bad’ I told him how he felt was his business. I asked him why he had this aversion to me when I am ill when he never used to. He couldn’t give me an answer.
He has been showing signs of anxiety and depression for a couple of years now. He doesn’t want to go out anywhere or go on holiday.
I am slowly being ground down by his behaviour.
He puts his all into his work- he is admin- not clinical and not particularly well paid, but I think his anxiety causes him to be unhealthily involved not just with his role but also the role of the nurses.
I have gently nudged him to seek counselling. The relationship is a bit shit all round to be honest. This attitude to me when I am ill is just another nail in the coffin.

OP posts:
Allelbowsandtoes · 23/02/2024 07:22

My DP is so good when I'm ill. Sympathetic, practical, makes me rest and brings me things.
We've been trying to conceive foe 2 years now, recently I had flu and the way he was looking after me made me think what a lovely dad he'd be....is that weird 🤣😭

Whentherainisfallinginyourface · 23/02/2024 07:44

Hi op. Normally if someone behaved like this I’d say he’s an arse and encourage you to bin him.

But what you say in your op sounds like your oh is suffering from some sort of post-Covid mh issue. He sounds like he needs a change of job too.

I don’t quite understand why you shut him down when he said he felt bad, as that was an apology of sorts. It’s good that you explained how you felt and you encouraged him to seek help.

In your shoes I’d give him a decent length of time to recover but if he doesn’t actively make any steps to improve things then it’s probably time to end it.

JackThayer · 23/02/2024 07:50

Mine is an utter dick when I'm ill. Wouldn't even bring me a drink let alone look after me or comfort me. Its horrible.

Tiddlywinks63 · 23/02/2024 07:53

HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere · 22/02/2024 22:02

Just ignores me or acts as if I'm fine.

If I'm really ill I'm treated like an out of order appliance.

Me too.
I would never rely on him for help when I’m ill.

Original poster
BigButtons · 23/02/2024 08:15

@Whentherainisfallinginyourface I shut him down because he likes to play the victim. He behaves badly and I express hurt and then he says he feels bad- this doesn’t change his behaviour at all. He won’t be accountable or make changes.
so he phones and messages me when I am ill and tells me I need to phone 111- which I definitely do not need to do- but will not offer to come round and keep me company for a bit.
i am feeling hugely resentful as you can probably tell.
I need to end the relationship. He is emotionally completely unavailable.

OP posts:
Shayisgreat · 23/02/2024 08:21

Organaforever · 22/02/2024 23:29

Usually makes sure he gets more ill somehow.

Same. Infuriating!

Whentherainisfallinginyourface · 23/02/2024 08:27

BigButtons · 23/02/2024 08:15

@Whentherainisfallinginyourface I shut him down because he likes to play the victim. He behaves badly and I express hurt and then he says he feels bad- this doesn’t change his behaviour at all. He won’t be accountable or make changes.
so he phones and messages me when I am ill and tells me I need to phone 111- which I definitely do not need to do- but will not offer to come round and keep me company for a bit.
i am feeling hugely resentful as you can probably tell.
I need to end the relationship. He is emotionally completely unavailable.

Fair enough Bigbuttons if it’s all words and no action, and he’s distant emotionally, then I can understand you wanting to end it.