Struggling with husband working away

[Lucyh999]

first post so go easy on me.

My husband and I are very close and usually very happy together. We have a great relationship but I have been struggling a lot lately. He has been working away mainly just in the week but since November. We are a really good partnership and he is very active in our parenting and household and I’ve really struggled without him here.

This is made more complicated by the fact that I used to do the same job as him and have recently changed career as I have found it very difficult being away etc when I have a small child and I found it very stressful logistically and I personally felt too guilty being away from my baby that the work was no longer enjoyable. When we have argued recently when I’ve said I’m struggling he has occasionally made the comment that I could be a bit jealous because he is still doing it and he has acknowledged it is complicated emotionally. I have to admit there could be an element of that but I do think I’ve made my peace with it and I’m enjoying my new part time job but what was meant to make my life easier hasn’t really worked because my husband is away so much so I am having to do all the nursery runs and work etc and then come home to an empty house and have to do all the house work and house admin etc myself. Now, I know a lot of people do this and much more so I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but for me it just feels too tiring and difficult and makes me feel unhappy. And I miss my husband a lot.

I really don’t want to put pressure on him but I find myself telling him a lot how it doesn’t work for me and it would be a lot easier if he didn’t work away. I know this puts him in a difficult position as it is basically part of the job sometimes (self employed). It is just causing too much friction but I really don’t see that he fully understands how much I do and the sacrifices I make for him to do this particular job. I have no other help so can’t go out or do anything in the week, can’t go to the gym or exercise as once my baby is at home and in bed, I have to be here (obviously - that sounds a bit silly) but I really feel I have no freedom at all and it gets me down.

Tell me to pull myself together or to stop being a b@@@h to him. I know he did this job before we got together but we didn’t have a child then and I could not possibly foresee how difficult it would be doing a lot of it on my own. Any advice welcomed.

You are being unreasonable. He’s doing the same job that you knew he’d be doing. Put an exercise video on YouTube when baby is in bed, or find a hobby you can do. What about inviting someone round for a meal.

I think it is difficult to know what to expect though when you have a child. My DP used to work away and it was tough for all the reasons you describe - I made sure I worked part time enough to have a little bit of time to myself while toddler was at nursery for me to go the gym which made me feel like I had some me time. My work is very flexible though so this was easy to do. Or could you pay for a babysitter occasionally to get to something in the evenings. I used to invite friends over too though I did feel bad that it was always them having to make the effort to come to mine. Eventually my DP got fed up with not seeing DC as much as and missing out on so much and changed jobs - now he WFH and I have the opposite of wishing he would go out a bit more! What other work options would he have? Could you chat about how to make things easier for you and see if he can help with ideas from that perspective? Could he do more admin like online shopping? Could he organise and pay cleaner?

Thanks, this is all really helpful. Yes the working part time has really given me a break too and something for me, however at the moment I do it 3 days and my son is at nursery 3 days a week.

Totally take on board your suggestions about a babysitter. To be honest I’ve been really nervous about getting one as don’t know any in the area but it’s definitely time to bite the bullet for my own sanity. Even just being able to go for a walk for an hour would make a difference.

I don’t really have friends nearby which is part of the problem too. We have a network of people that we go to the pub with occasionally but when my other half isn’t there I don’t really do that as they are mainly his friends.

he is very proactive with trying to come up with solutions so we do need to come up with a better plan to make it more sustainable long term. His solutions usually involve paying more people or more nursery though however we can’t really afford this and I do want to spend as much time with my son as possible; I just also want the help from my husband to be able to do that. Perhaps I’m asking too much.

Thanks for your suggestions albeit blunt. I do think I’m being unreasonable sometimes too. It’s my nature to be fair and think of all possible aspects however I do get the sneaking suspicion that actually it’s not unreasonable to want a bit of space and not be a prisoner in my home every single night, or to want to share the household and parental duties. I’m not sure that is unreasonable. Life is fluid. People change, circumstances change. I could never have predicted I’d feel this way before having children. I never had a problem with it before because if we was away I had the freedom to do as I pleased or I was away too. Now I don’t think it’s conducive to good family life. Unreasonable is a bit strong and a bit mumsnet for this particular issue, I’m perfectly reasoned. But life isn’t fair yes.

In addition to all this, by the time my son is in bed (after work, snacks, bath etc) it’s 8pm, when I’ve made my dinner and cleared up it’s 9pm. I then tidy and clean up a bit, do a bit of admin for my elderly parents and then it’s time for bed to do it all again. Don’t really have much time for inviting someone round or exercise video though seeing this written down, I probably don’t have to do this every night

It’s just very difficult having small kids. The work always landed on me when they were small. My husband traveled with work a lot and I took a step back, I spent time with the kids and I resented him at times but I’m happy I put the time in. it’s worth putting in that time when they are they are small - you won’t regret it.

My husband’s schedule has dramatically changed since covid as they work much more remotely and he got more involved with the kids.

I can empathise. My husband travels with work sometimes for weeks at a time.
As much as I knew I was unreasonable, when our first child was a baby, I use to find it very very hard. It wasn't so much doing everything but the loneliness every night and at the weekend... I felt depressed. I use to be harsh with him and let him know how much of a nightmare it was and I would starve him of photos of our child... I knew I was being a bitch but somehow I felt so shit that I couldn't help it. It used to be a source of conflict as he felt guilty and we fought about it.

Fast forward we have had two other children and he often spends two nights away per week and sometimes longer trips. I have done a lot of thinking and us communicating about him. He explained how horrible it was for him to be away from us, how me complaining was making his travels even harder. I realised that ultimately it is his job, he's great at it and it is not his choice to go away. Little by little I changed and now I see these moments as team work. It's rubbish that he's gone and I miss him but I know he misses me and that it is painful for both of us. Now I have three kids (one of them is under 2) it should be harder but somehow it is easier. I see my tasks as a mum as my job and I am proud of myself that I can manage on my own. I can see he also admires me for doing it all when he's away and he's grateful and always encourages me to take some time off myself (weekends with girlfriends)... also whenever I take some time off (and this is been since the beginning of our relationship) he never complains and always says that whilst it can be intense he had a good time with the kids. This makes my time off so much more enjoyable and I want to provide him with the same mental freedom when he works.

A bit of a muddle but hope that helps!

Thank you so much for sharing. It’s really good to hear about someone else’s experience and there is lots I can take from this. We haven’t resorted to being nasty to each other yet but resentment builds doesn’t it and I can totally see why. It is so lonely. You’re right though, I am lucky I get to spend a lot of time with my son and my husband is sad that he doesn’t. The way I see that though is everything is choice. I changed my job to be with my son more and to do something more flexible. I guess though it’s harder for him as in our situation he is currently the main earner. Selfishly I also don’t want to miss out on developing myself and my career as I have changed career and would like to build my skills to the point where I was before but in a different area and there doesn’t seem to be much time for that. Ah, well.

thank you for sharing and for your advice

Thank you for sharing. It’s good to hear it came good in the end and you’re happy with how it went. I definitely do feel sense of achievement a lot. I also just feel at the moment sad that I miss my husband and that my life takes a backseat and I don’t find that fair on women (which I think it isn’t always but so often affects women more).

I have no choice but to stick with it, I just need s day to recoup I think and then I can come back fresher. At the moment everything feels too hard. We don’t have a driveway etc so I have to park down the road and all the roads are closed and traffic bad so everything takes an hour when it should take ten mins so I am just generally frustrated and not enjoying things enough l, even with my son.

It sounds like he is home at the weekend, so perhaps go to the gym then. To a certain extent you just have to crack on with it, although I remember being invited to a party when DH was away for a few months and MIL offered to look after DC for the night so I could attend, but DC was poorly with. Very high temp so no party and no break for all the time he was away. Also, poor communications so perhaps one short call pw. At least he wasn’t in the services in a war zone.

That sounds really tough too. You’re right, it could always be worse though!

he often comes back for a day at the weekends but I tend to prioritise us doing something as a family or seeing other family (I care for other members in my family) so time is short. You’re right though, I need to be better at saying,
”I’m taking this time now”. It will definitely be better for my self esteem to do some exercise and get in better shape now.

Take time off when you can. It’s hard - it really is. You have to try and keep a little bit of yourself if you can when he is around. My youngest is in school this year and I have my own life again.

@Lucyh999 you are welcome.
About the work maybe that doesn't apply to your circumstances but I have also come to realise that it is his job that allowed me to take a step back. For my husband changing profession so that he's more at home would have been to much of a risk.
Good luck OP.

ps: also try to organise your evenings so that you have a good quality time (ie not scrolling all evening like I have been guilty of) but get into a series, prepare some noce food, phone a friend or family... make a plan!) xxx

I don’t think it’s at all U with DC for neither partner to ‘work away’ for long periods and do no weekday parenting/domestic work. If there are other good work options available.

I wouldn’t be Ok with this and many others wouldn’t either. It’s a poor deal for you.

also not at all U to miss your past, better job and personal earning ability, especially when he won’t make any changes to his.

‘his job that allowed me to take a step back’: with some significant risks.

How was it working when you both did the job? From your post it sounds like you have only changed after the bay was born, did your child do a full nursery week?

I wouldn’t like this either, I’d feel very lonely, but as you say you knew it would be like this and you were doing the same.

Can you up the nursery hours so you get a day off or half a day? I would try for an earlier bedtime, we try and get ours in bed for 7 and you’ll have more of an evening then. Can you get help or cut down on the cleaning? As there are only two of you there can’t be that much mess. We have a cleaner once a week for 2hrs and don’t do any other cleaning, apart from general tidying as we go. Makes things so much easier.

My husbands worked away for 7 years we have a 2,3 year old and one on the way in very very used to it now you just need a great routine

Would it help if he showed his appreciation for you more? Some men have to be told explicitly that this is the problem. Maybe if you led with that and he resolved to acknowledge what you do a bit more, it might help

You’re right. I just need energy to do that and I’m stuck in a rut but it’s time to change.
Thank you!

Yes, i honestly think it would help me to literally act like a single mum when he isn’t here and when he is so that I build routine as the in and out isn’t helpful, so to speak.

But I do also think that some people can cope with it, some people can be happy with it and maybe some just can’t and I think I might have to accept that I fall into that category of just not liking it and it not being good for my life.

Honestly when we both did it, I really struggled with the logistics and found it stressful (after babies). When we did it pre- children we had a lot of fun and accompanied one another on our travels more, but we also lived in London and life was different then.

since covid hit our industry hard (like many) it has been harder to secure work and therefore he can be less choosy with regards to selecting jobs that involve less time away. I do understand that. But it is also not really what we imagined when we became pregnant etc. so really the situation is a bit different though you have to roll with the punches don’t you.

re the house we have got behind and I need a day to make sure everything can be put away quickly etc going forwards. Will definitely try for an earlier bedtime. When I’m working I do like a bit of time with him after I get back and it takes me a while to get back so time is a bit tight. I have just hired a cleaner every other week and I think this will help a lot. Though I feel pressure to do a lot before they come which seems ridiculous!

i have increased nursery from April so that will free up a bit of leeway with grandparents to perhaps have an afternoon to myself etc. hard though as mum guilt is real!!!

Thanks, I feel like you’ve understood me. It’s hard for a bit of resentment not to sneak in when I feel like I’m the only one sacrificing. I know it’s difficult for him being away as well as he misses us. But he has missed a lot and financially it’s not worth it as well as the impact it has on us. I am constantly explaining to our son where daddy gone and when daddy back.

Selfishly I also don’t want to miss out on developing myself and my career as I have changed career and would like to build my skills to the point where I was before but in a different area and there doesn’t seem to be much time for that. Ah, well.

Alarming to see you using the term "selfish" here. Don't you dare even begin to think like that. It's not selfish, it's rational, both from your own long-term perspective and in the interest of the family. I notice you're trying really hard to be fair to your DP and NOT call him "selfish" - now try to apply the same standards to yourself. Your child won't thank you for turning into a martyr.

@Lucyh999 yes definitely, if you are miserable speak to your husband about making changes,
I'm ok with it majority of the time happy enough but it's all about sacrifice isn't it , missing out on alot with the children but also his sacrifices mean I don't have to go back to work - I don't want someone else looking after my children until school. X

Yes unfortunately my husband doesn’t earn enough to make that possible and I like to work too, but it’s great if you can do that and it works for you. I have tried speaking to him but we are both so tired and stressed that it just doesn’t go well!