Struggling with husband working away

[Lucyh999]

first post so go easy on me.

My husband and I are very close and usually very happy together. We have a great relationship but I have been struggling a lot lately. He has been working away mainly just in the week but since November. We are a really good partnership and he is very active in our parenting and household and I’ve really struggled without him here.

This is made more complicated by the fact that I used to do the same job as him and have recently changed career as I have found it very difficult being away etc when I have a small child and I found it very stressful logistically and I personally felt too guilty being away from my baby that the work was no longer enjoyable. When we have argued recently when I’ve said I’m struggling he has occasionally made the comment that I could be a bit jealous because he is still doing it and he has acknowledged it is complicated emotionally. I have to admit there could be an element of that but I do think I’ve made my peace with it and I’m enjoying my new part time job but what was meant to make my life easier hasn’t really worked because my husband is away so much so I am having to do all the nursery runs and work etc and then come home to an empty house and have to do all the house work and house admin etc myself. Now, I know a lot of people do this and much more so I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but for me it just feels too tiring and difficult and makes me feel unhappy. And I miss my husband a lot.

I really don’t want to put pressure on him but I find myself telling him a lot how it doesn’t work for me and it would be a lot easier if he didn’t work away. I know this puts him in a difficult position as it is basically part of the job sometimes (self employed). It is just causing too much friction but I really don’t see that he fully understands how much I do and the sacrifices I make for him to do this particular job. I have no other help so can’t go out or do anything in the week, can’t go to the gym or exercise as once my baby is at home and in bed, I have to be here (obviously - that sounds a bit silly) but I really feel I have no freedom at all and it gets me down.

Tell me to pull myself together or to stop being a b@@@h to him. I know he did this job before we got together but we didn’t have a child then and I could not possibly foresee how difficult it would be doing a lot of it on my own. Any advice welcomed.

Thank you for this. I really appreciate this and I NEED someone to tell me this. I’ve reread my comments and I sound like I’ve lost my mojo to be honest!

I know I'm late to the party but @Lucyh999 I could have literally written your post myself and wondered how things are a year on and whether DP has stopped working away or if you've found some sort of compromise.

Everything you said is what I have been experiencing since our DD was born and she's coming upto her 5th birthday now. I finally snapped last week and said I can't do it anymore as he's s been away for most of her life aside from coming home at weekends.

I was working 15 hrs per week up until recently, but I went for a new job and a substantial career gain but their conditions were I increase my hours to 35 and it's been bloody difficult to say the least. I feel quite resentful that I am here trying to juggle everything while he's able to hang out with work friends and enjoy drinks on an evening whilst I've been imprisoned in my home. We too don't have any relatives close by and I don't like to have to ask my friends for favours too often so we often have playdates at each others houses which has been lovely but doesn't make up for having spouse support..

I don't think I'm being unreasonable by asking him to knock this on the head as he has similar job opportunities closer to home.amd I'm fed up of compromising all the time. I sometimes meet my friends for breakfast for a few hours on a Saturday and DP has recently been having little digs like, "oh you're off again" he's only kidding but it really pisses me off and I often think how dare you. I just don't think this sort of life is sustainable for the long-term.

Interesting to have stumbled on this thread. I have four DC between 7 and 14, work f/t and DH is away at least four nights most weeks. Often abroad and generally with very little contact.

He’s always worked away during the course of our relationship but it feels worse now I’m f/t rather than p/t and spend evenings sorting the children and their activities and then finishing off work around that. It really resonated when someone said how they take out their frustration on their husband: he becomes the enemy somehow in my head whilst he’s away even though I know that’s not fair.

I’m exhausted at holding the family together not just practically but emotionally: their needs are so much more now and I have to be it all. And it’s lonely and just a bit crap.

There’s no solution though. We’ve moved (cities and countries) to accommodate his work before and hell will freeze over before I do that to myself or the children again. Plus I finally have a career, rather than a job and I will not lose that by moving or reducing my hours: it’s my turn.

So no advice, in fact maybe a warning that it only gets harder. Sorry. I guess at least you’re not alone in feeling what you do.

I did this for years with little kids, also working 3 days per week. You just need to set things up to make your life easier. Do a bulk cook up so that on the days you work you don’t have to cook, just heat up something that has been prepared earlier. this will also mean minimal cleaning up of the kitchen the nights you don’t cook.

Find a way to exercise with your DC. Will they be happy going for a walk in the pram? I found pushing a pram to be a really good workout. Can you find a gym that has a crèche so your DC can attend that for an hour while you do a workout or class. Or find somewhere they can go in for half a day so you can have a break or run errands.

On the weekends, agree with your husband some time that is your time. Use that time every week. You will have to leave the house or your DC will still want you as you are now the default parent. Meet friends, go to the gym, hairdresser, get your nails done… whatever you enjoy.

You can absolutely do this.