Ever heard of the term ‘reciprosexual’? Need advice

[Hoppitybobbins]

lately I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a number of reasons but mainly because i never really feel attracted to someone unless:

a. I know they are interested in me
b. Someone tells me they think someone is attractive

once these flags are raised I tend to go ‘all in’.

im heterosexual so I would not pursue a same sex relationship but I have wondered in the past if I am asexual and apparently ‘reciprosexual’ - where you only fancy someone who you know fancies you, is on the asexual spectrum. It’s a term used more in the lgbt community but I’ve no idea why as it translates to heterosexuality too.

Does anyone else have experience in retro sexuality? I’m interested in hearing more because recently I connected with a man I had a deep friendship with years ago. I never thought of him as anything other than a friend until he eventually told me that he had strong feelings for me, by which time it was too late and I was married. But it has caused me much pain for a long time because as soon as he blurted it out my feelings for him completely changed and I have obsessed over him massively since but was unable to act on anything as was already betrothed. My marriage is now over btw so I am free to explore these feelings retrospectively.

I just ponder over the fact that I was friends with him for ages and not bothered about a romantic encounter with him, and then it all changed after he fessed up. If he hadn’t he’d still be my old mate (and life would have been much easier).

also, before I was married, and actually even with my exH, I only got with boyfriends when my friends said ‘oh yeah I think such and such is good looking and fancies you so why don’t you go after him?’

left to my own devices I would probably still be a virgin! I don’t seem to have a mind of my own when it comes to romance.

or maybe I’m just a massive narcissist!

I don’t think this is massively unusual, especially for women (whether that’s nature or nurture). And I don’t think it particularly matters or needs a label? If you’re dating I guess remember to give someone a chance even if you don’t immediately fancy them if you know you need a bit of interest shown to feel anything yourself?

This sounds more like versions of insecurity.

Ok please elaborate. You could well be right.

I think this is common with being anxiously attached / insecure.

Please do yourself a favour and ditch these ridiculous labels. Gender ideology is a dead end.

I’ve only been attracted to people I was long term friends with. I’m mid thirties and have been attracted to 3 people. I can tell if someone is hot but the thought of sex with them when I was single gave me nothing. Not insecurity as above. Just as attractive an idea as eating broccoli.

I never needed a label as after 4 years of friendship, i started dating my now DH and we are still together 15 plus years later but there is one - demisexual.

But if labels help you understand yourself and/or date/meet people then why not try it for size? You could meet someone who is the same and instead of dating just become friends and see if a relationship happens.

I agree that you don’t need labels. You’re heterosexual and cautious. You don’t want to put yourself out there if you aren’t sure there’s interest. That’s pretty normal.

If you have issues with confidence or self-esteem it could be that. Or it could be issues with your past relationships or familial relationships. Or it could just be the way you are.

@Eric1964 this isn’t gender ideology. It has nothing to do with gender. It’s sexual orientation.

i find this helpful as I am keen to know if it’s common to be either recipro or demi. I marvel at the women on other threads who are dating mainly for fun and sex I find it a bit of a burden not to be a bit more proactive on the sexual front. At least then I could perhaps take control a bit. I am taken back when women ‘lust’ over men they don’t know, go to see male strippers etc. and have a great time. I have wondered if I am gay but I don’t feel attracted to women, not even if they fancy me.

i do worry that I am too insecure or have confidence however and that I subconsciously am looking for affirmation and validation which I find incredibly attractive. That seems really narcissistic however that the only quality I seem to look for in a partner is that they are strongly attracted / very into me.

It doesn’t seem like a good basis for a relationship.

I think the main use is when dating you can either use the label or just explain that likely you’ll take 6 months to a year (or whatever) to want to have sex and therefore, give the guy a chance to evaluate if he would be happy to be dating on those terms. Not sure what date you bring this up but definitely before date three.

When single I wasn’t aware of labels but was upfront about no sex for a while - I just normally didn’t caveat it with the reason being I wasn’t sexually attracted to the man yet. I was young so probably read as insecure.

Particularly when the labels are contentious. I can’t stand this idea that if you have certain sexual preferences or patterns (ones oddly enough that are common in women), your sexuality is partial or missing something.

I don’t fancy complete strangers on first sight. I reject the idea that this makes me only half sexual.

people will likely roll their eyes if you use this label because it's not a sexual orientation - it's being cautious, taking things at your own pace and not engaging in relationships where you're not sure of the other person's feelings

a lot of people are guarded with their bodies and emotions, often due to experience or choice, it's not an innate sexual orientation the way hetero/homo/bisexuality is

also, it's absolutely normal to only be interested in people who show you interest - do you think it's normal to pursue people who don't like you?

FFS it's really not a sexual orientation. It's you not feeling able to open up unless you're confident the feeling is mutual. Which is pretty common, particularly amongst women.

Why add a label. You're a perfectly normal straight woman.

It's not a great basis but lots of women have ended up with the wrong man on the basis that they fancy them, so that was it for them. Only to find out that the man has some awful traits. It might be a start point, but then you need to look at aspects of their personality, and how they treat you and others. Compatability is required for a relationship to work.

@Hoppitybobbins this resonates with me. I'm very much like this. Have just never thought about it before.

Interesting that people say it's linked to insecurity.

The only aspect of it I have actually thought about before is that I have been acutely aware that I have never identified somebody I am interested in and pursued him. I have only ever been with men who sought me out.

Obviously some men have been interested in me and it's been a hard no from me and it goes no further. But if I find them attractive / interesting / somebody else tells me they are attractive, I have dated them.

It has frustrated me a bit in recent years when I realised I was like this, and wondered where I would be now if I had done the chasing with someone I had identified as desirable...but guys tend to make it known if they are interested. So if a guy didn't, then I'd have to assume that he wasn't, and pursuing him wouldn't have got me anywhere anyway.

I would think of this as more of a protective measure. You don’t want to face being rebuffed so you wait until you know how the other person feels.

this isn’t gender ideology. It has nothing to do with gender. It’s sexual orientation.

All these labels to describe sexual orientations only seemed to be thought up around the time of all the gender ideology.

I'd fit into several of the new labels I'm sure but I think they're ridiculous so I just say straight and will continue to do so.

the labels are getting a bit silly

soon it will be a case of if you like sex standing against the wall, but then also cuddling up in bed then you'll be verticalsexual but horizontalromantic

this isn’t gender ideology. It has nothing to do with gender. It’s sexual orientation

It is NOT a sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is about the sex you are attracted to ( make/female/both). It’s not about anything else.

What you are desribing is, as others have pointed out) to do with your personality and psychology.

If you want to understand why you are like this, You would be better served exploring that rather than wasting time trying to decide precisely what ( recently invented) label you are.

Honestly OP, I think you need to stop reading/watching analyses of relationships. Take up a nice healthy outdoor pursuit instead. Go for a long walk today. Empty your head. Fuck the labels.

You are overthinking this. Just go with the flow. You'll meet someone when you're good and ready

😂

I never heard of it but it sounds more like a protective response based on a fear of rejection.

Shakespeare covered the idea of social approval as a catalyst to falling in love in ‘Much Ado about Nothing’.

Jane Austen wrote ‘There are few of us who are secure enough to be within love without proper encouragement’.

It’s not a sexual orientation. People have known this for centuries. It’s part of the human condition.

I would even argue that this is the most natural, sensible approach

majority of human relations, if healthy, are based on reciprocity. The idea of being "in love" or having major crush on someone who does not find you attractive / loves you back mostly appears in not so good romantic literature and crime documentaries about stalkers

I can't understand why you think that anyone gives a fuck what label you want to give yourself about your sexuality. Literally no one is interested. HTH.