Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner cheated... big life decisions!

43 replies

StellaGranada · 22/02/2024 16:58

Hi, I am completely new here!
Me and my partner have been TTC for a few months.. first child and I'm soon 35. I recently found out he's been using apps to chat to women online for 18 months. Some got sexual. I'm absolutely crushed of course...going through the anger, the how could he, especially at this time. And it only stopped because I caught him.
I feel like he's robbed me of the last few years when I had no idea what was going on and I was looking at our future with hopefully a baby. I've stuck in my stressful job thinking I need to be sensible about finances/mat leave etc.

To add to this, we also live very far from my family and some of my good/oldest friends.
Since I found out I've not been able to get away for space, to see those I need to support me right now.
I've ended up off sick from work.. adding to the anger and stress right now!
I feel so hopeless.. my future is just a big blank at the moment. And to walk away at age 35 and start over is terrifying.

I guess I'm writing here for any words of wisdom from anyone who may resonate with any part of my situation?
I'm re-thinking my job and strong feelings of moving back to my home town (which is very expensive but unfortunately does factor in to my thoughts).
We talked about doing counselling but I feel I have no time to waste.

At first I just wanted to carry on with the plan to TTC and stay where we live but as time goes on I've realised this is nuts. Even if we work through the cheating... I feel so isolated from my support network and this would be hard if we had a baby and there wasn't any trust issues!

Thanks for reading.. I'm just so overwhelmed! X

OP posts:
samestyle · 22/02/2024 17:04

Oh no life would be far worse with the baby , little support and dealing with him cheating when the baby arrives which is more than likely, than to walk away, I understand it's still difficult to walk away from what you wanted but he isn't a good choice to have a baby with, move home and be happy with your family and friends

BigFluffyHoodie · 22/02/2024 17:07

You have been set free, OP. Imagine how much worse it would have been to find that out once you were pregnant, or had a child with the sleazy bastard.

This is your chance to leave him, leave the job you don't like, and move back home to your support network.

Eric1964 · 22/02/2024 17:07

I've been where you are and got most of it wrong, so here's what I've picked up in the meantime; if I can find a good article, I'll post a link as well:

  1. Don't make any decisions yet.
  2. You have a right to know some things. When any sexual contact started or ended. Who it was with. If and when it ended, and how (Did she break it off, or did he? Clearly, this matters.)
  3. Do not forgive too soon. Unfaithful partners will not give you all the answers you need straight away. When you offer forgiveness, that signals to them that they do not need to answer any more questions.
  4. You probably don't need to know about the details of the sex.

Briefly, I made the following mistakes:

  • Didn't insist on knowing how the affair started. Trusted her to break it off, then it started again.
  • I did know all the details of the sex. Not because I wanted to, but because his wife intercepted messages between her husband and my wife, printed them, and posted them to me at work. Designed to cause maximum hurt, obviously.
  • I forgave far too soon. We did try counselling, but I didn't push hard enough. Nothing was resolved, nothing came out into the open.

Fourteen years later I'm still suffering and it's awful. But this isn't about me ....

Please, please, please put yourself and your needs first. Your relationship may be over, or it may survive, but this is a MAJOR psychological blow to you. Do not underestimate how much you've been hurt mentally.

BigFluffyHoodie · 22/02/2024 17:08

Just leave, OP! You're only 34. Plenty of time to find your feet, back where you feel most at home. You've dodged a bullet here.

MILTOBE · 22/02/2024 17:13

Honestly, I would be packing my bags this minute. I wouldn't give him another chance. Having a baby with him would be like investing all your money into a bank that you knew was going to collapse.

I'd definitely go back to my home town. Do you work from home or would you have to look for a new job? Could you possibly work from home for a couple of months while you're looking for new work?

Don't give this man another thought. He doesn't deserve you. Move so fast that he doesn't know what's hit him.

Eric1964 · 22/02/2024 17:14

Advice is easy to read but difficult to act on. Here's a reasonably good article.

Original poster
StellaGranada · 22/02/2024 17:15

Thank you for the replies.
Deep down I wonder if walking away is the only option because I feel anger that I don't know will ever go away.. but it terrifies me. Firstly it's so sad! But also would mean selling our house, working out who has the dogs (this bit breaks my heart), leaving my job, leaving the few friends I have made here.
It's impacted every single part of my life.
Not to mention will I ever get any confidence or trust back with anyone.. this happened in my last relationship as well and I left.. and my current partner knew all that too. I absolutely detest how easy it is to cheat with the internet/apps now :(

OP posts:
Bishopsgirl · 22/02/2024 17:23

Similar happened to my niece when she was 34. She'd wasted 7 years with this guy, got engaged and had just bought a house together and was about to Ttc. She was devastated, she felt he lied about how many other women there had actually been as she no longer trusted him. After she kicked him out, first thing she did was get an STI test, she sent off for it in the post. She was upset she'd wasted all that time, she felt they were the best years of her life wasted on him but we told her she had to look to the future. She considered sperm banks, adoption etc but she unexpectedly met someone new a year later. We now look on it as her having had a lucky escape.

Shoxfordian · 22/02/2024 17:23

Go back to your home town, and you'll find someone else, he's broken your trust continuously for 18 months

BigFluffyHoodie · 22/02/2024 17:27

Eric1964 · 22/02/2024 17:14

Advice is easy to read but difficult to act on. Here's a reasonably good article.

No! You do not need to "survive the infidelity"! You're unencumbered. You can just leave. Move on with your life.

takemeawayagain · 22/02/2024 17:28

Go home OP, I think this is a big fat sign that you should go home and stay where your love and support are.

BigFluffyHoodie · 22/02/2024 17:29

I say this with kindness @Eric1964 - you made a decision to stay. That you have admitted was, and is, painful. OP doesn't need to make the decision you did.

MinervatheGreat · 22/02/2024 17:39

My gut reaction is do not have a baby with this man.

You need to be calm and happy to have a successful conception but right now you are worried and stressed by his activities.

What would you do if a baby comes into the equation and you find out he’s sexting again. How upset and demoralising that would be. He might turn to it again for “relief” when the baby causes extra stress for you two.

For now stick with what is secure in your life; work, routines, friends etc and take time to decide about your relationship.

I know from experience it’s very very hard to regain trust and very hard not to be trigged by all sorts of issues which arise from that. It’s draining.

What would I do in your shoes? I’d take stock, find my inner anger, cling to what’s stable in my life, look for a different future not involving him and dump him.

Good luck OP. Whatever you decide, be strong and I hope it works out for you.

EMUKE · 22/02/2024 17:43

Get up and go. Do not allow yourself to be disrespected like this… I believe you have people in your life for 3 reasons. 1. Because you need them 2. They need you 3. You need each other. You do not need this you are still young and IMO you wouldn’t get over this. You can’t get over this and question every time his late from work, sitting in the car on his phone, his phone pings at silly o’clock in the morning. Please get up and go. I’m so sorry this has happened for you but it’s showing you signs… this is showing you, you don’t have the support you need around you. Call a solicitor and get legal advice with the property/asset and accounts. Good luck but do this for the future you, you wouldn’t want your sister or daughter to stay you shouldn’t either.

ZekeZeke · 22/02/2024 17:44

He is a liar and a cheat.
If you stay with him you will never know a moments peace.

Eric1964 · 22/02/2024 17:46

@BigFluffyHoodie I agree. The point of my message was to highlight mistakes I made. Better to learn from the mistakes of others, eh?

RosieTheChi · 22/02/2024 17:51

I just wanted to say that I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this. I have also been there and the pain is excruciating.

I am someone who stayed in the relationship though and went on to get married. I don't regret it for one minute and have been happily married for 10 years.

Ultimately only you can decide what you can and cannot forgive but I wanted to reassure you that if you do choose to stay, it can work out. It all depends on your DHs attitude to it also. What has he said about it? Did he actually meet up with any of them?

BigFluffyHoodie · 22/02/2024 17:53

RosieTheChi · 22/02/2024 17:51

I just wanted to say that I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this. I have also been there and the pain is excruciating.

I am someone who stayed in the relationship though and went on to get married. I don't regret it for one minute and have been happily married for 10 years.

Ultimately only you can decide what you can and cannot forgive but I wanted to reassure you that if you do choose to stay, it can work out. It all depends on your DHs attitude to it also. What has he said about it? Did he actually meet up with any of them?

Had your DP been unfaithful to you with multiple women?

RosieTheChi · 22/02/2024 17:56

@BigFluffyHoodie Over text or physically?

Rania78 · 22/02/2024 18:00

Lucky escape OP. You seem to have a guardian angel who loves you very much.
Wish this had happened to me when I was 35 as still plenty of time to find someone else and have a baby. It happened at 45 though. But still incredibly happy now I left him, expended my social circle and have fabulous time. Flirting with men and feeling soooo happy.
So, leave him and If having a baby is your worry, then freeze your eggs immediately.

justtidying · 22/02/2024 18:09

I wouldn't have a child in this relationship.

The best gift you can give your future children is a loving parent who is dedicated to you and the family you create together.

Your husband is not one of those people. He is showing you who he really is. Believe him.

Userengage · 22/02/2024 18:34

Don’t get tied to this cheat for life by having a child with him.

zippingalongslowly · 22/02/2024 18:34

I had this, aged 35. (Had to get divorced too though!)

It's liberating not being with a cheating man who doesn't really love or respect you. It means you are free to fully live your life, including meeting a man who is worthy of sharing your life with (and starting a family with).

I met an absolutely amazing man after being cheated on by my ex- we have built a much more loving happy family together than I ever would have had with my ex.

Be strong. Make the changes you know you need to.

RosieTheChi · 22/02/2024 18:34

I wouldn't have a child either. Need to work out what you want to do first.

Franticbutterfly · 22/02/2024 18:37

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My DH did something similar, then within a couple of years he actually cheated on me and has recently done it again (this is by far the worst time and has affected me more than before). The only thing my experience tells me to say to you is "run". I wish I had.