Partner cheated... big life decisions!

[StellaGranada]

Hi, I am completely new here!
Me and my partner have been TTC for a few months.. first child and I'm soon 35. I recently found out he's been using apps to chat to women online for 18 months. Some got sexual. I'm absolutely crushed of course...going through the anger, the how could he, especially at this time. And it only stopped because I caught him.
I feel like he's robbed me of the last few years when I had no idea what was going on and I was looking at our future with hopefully a baby. I've stuck in my stressful job thinking I need to be sensible about finances/mat leave etc.

To add to this, we also live very far from my family and some of my good/oldest friends.
Since I found out I've not been able to get away for space, to see those I need to support me right now.
I've ended up off sick from work.. adding to the anger and stress right now!
I feel so hopeless.. my future is just a big blank at the moment. And to walk away at age 35 and start over is terrifying.

I guess I'm writing here for any words of wisdom from anyone who may resonate with any part of my situation?
I'm re-thinking my job and strong feelings of moving back to my home town (which is very expensive but unfortunately does factor in to my thoughts).
We talked about doing counselling but I feel I have no time to waste.

At first I just wanted to carry on with the plan to TTC and stay where we live but as time goes on I've realised this is nuts. Even if we work through the cheating... I feel so isolated from my support network and this would be hard if we had a baby and there wasn't any trust issues!

Thanks for reading.. I'm just so overwhelmed! X

I met the love of my life after a crushing break up at 35. I seriously considered just getting pregnant because I was in such a panic.

Thankfully I didn’t and I’m now happily married at 39 & currently TTC.

You have time but please don’t waste any of it on this no hoper.

You wouldn’t put up with treatment like this if you were 25, and there’re no good reasons to do so now.

Don’t quit your job or take more time off. Work, put house on the market, decide where you want to live then, if it’s elsewhere, apply for good jobs there.

You’re not married so unless you’re the much higher earner would be in a very vulnerable position economically if you have a DC with him.

He’s shown he’s not trustworthy.

Once a cheater always a cheater.

Trust your gut. If your instinctive reaction when you’re not in your head is I need to go home then listen to that. And I know it’s easier said than done but don’t focus on your age, focus on your happiness.

Sorry you are going through this.

I was in a similar situation, 35 and TTC when exh said he was having an affair and wanted to be with OW. It was hard as it felt like the rug was pulled from underneath me. We’d given notice on our rental. I moved out (he moved OW in).

The first few months were hard, one step forward, and one step back it felt like, BUT it was the making of me! I got a lovely flat then bought a house, met someone else and had a baby. Whilst not always easy my life has been so much better.

Ditch him for good otherwise you will regret it. If you give him a chance he will cheat again.

Dont make any decisions yet about what you do, if you move etc. Know he is no longer your friend. He will rewrite your history.

Get support from friends and family. Above all be kind to yourself.

This is not entirely true but it depends on a wide range of circumstances.

Re-frame it in your mind as 'a lucky escape'. He's betrayed you multiple times with multiple women for cheap thrills.

Thank God you found out before you had a child with him. You have the rest of your life ahead of you with the freedom to find someone who values you much more than he does. Please value yourself enough to end the relationship.

Staying will mean that you've accepted that he can be forgiven for behaving like this. Which means he will more than likely do it again.

All I'm going to say is 35 what's that. I left a bad relationship met now hubby at 36 and had another 3 little ones and still not 40 and couldn't be happier

Run don't walk and focus on yourself for a while a much better dad for your child will come along I'm sure

Do not have children with this man. He will do it again, if you have children what him you are binding yourself to endless misery.
I know it seems hard, but this is likely to be a pattern of behaviour that will not change.

@StellaGranada so sorry you’ve had this happen. But never think of it as ‘starting all over again’, instead reframe it as being set free from the ghastly worry that he’ll do it again (and he will), free to go home nearer family and friends, and you are still young! It seems so daunting to split up, sell the house, and sort out dog custody - but you will manage. Imagine trying to deal with it all if you were pregnant or had a little one? This is your opportunity to make a new life, a fresh start, and with friends and family to help you through. He’s cheated too much, too long and with too many to be worthy of your time and love. He’s not good father material, he’s failed at being even a partner, never mind a parent. You deserve so much better than this !

Do not have a baby. I stayed with my partner after he cheated then got pregnant by mistake and now I am stuck. Don't do it. Please.

Talking from personal experience here.

I was 33 when I found out about my ex cheating with his co worker. Plus few other girls online.

I was unsure, scared, heart broken, broke and angry. So I left. I left him. I left the job I love that helped to get my university degree. I left my friends. I left the town I love.

I moved back near my parents. I got new job. Then left again and got another job.

Now, I'm sitting on the sofa with my lil cute baby girl on my arms, next to me is the most kind hearted, patience and loving husband I could ever wish for. Thank God I dodged a huge bullet. Phew!!!

You will be fine trust me. It's not worth forgiving him, it's not good for your mental health. My ex's partner messaged me, the one he cheated with, she told me that ex went on holiday while she was 7 months pregnant to meet up with a girl he met online. Ouch!! They will never change. Please move on. It's difficult in the beginning but it will pass and everything will get better and better!! It's a new beginning! I'm so excited for you.

Leave now. Follow your instinct back to your home town. 35 isn’t even slightly too late. If you stay with him, you will regret it. This isn’t a one-time moment of madness - he’s been at it for years. It won’t stop.

I absolutely detest how easy it is to cheat with the internet/apps now :(

It’s only easy to cheat if you’re a complete selfish cunt. Which your partner is.

Please do not tie yourself to him and force a child into a rocky relationship with an unfaithful father.

I’m so sorry his vile selfish actions will affect and change every part of your life.

I am 45, LTB, no kids and I couldn’t be happier.

☝🏼

Did he have sex with them or just type out sexual comments?

What a silly man.