Husband has just asked for a separation

[deedee148]

I feel totally blindsided my husband of 13 years (been together for 25) has just told me he doesn't love me anymore. I don't know where to go from here - any advice would be gratefully received

Gather all financial and personal documents, secure them. Call legal aid/lawyer. Proceed to separate.
Time to be practical and logical, move forward with your head not your heart.
Do you have family support.
Remember he’s had a head start.

I'm going to be sexist here but, usually when a man calls it a day there's another woman in the background. He's been coasting but now there's an incentive to end things.

If this is the case - the other woman isn't the cause of the end of your marriage - it was already dead but separating is difficult, so some kind of motivation to kick start it was necessary

I'm just putting you on your guard now so it's not such a shock later

Sorry to read this, it must be such a shock if it’s come out of the blue.
As pp said, he has a head start on you. There may be someone else but you need to think about yourself (and your children if you have them).
Get all of your facts and figures together to make sure you come out of this with everything you can. It’s been said often on here but it’s true - he is not your friend now.
Confide in friends and family so that you can get support from people who care.

I’m really sorry to read this. You must be in total shock. Give yourself time to come to terms with this massive bit of news from your partner. He may have been thinking this for some time but it is clearly brand new for you. Go slowly.

I’m very sorry op.💐

It’s hard to believe right now but you will be ok.

It’s very difficult and takes enormous strength but go grey rock.

Do what CurlsnSunshinetime4tea says

Get some emotional support elsewhere (therapist, friend, family) but show NO weakness in front of him.

Blindside him in turn by being cold, efficient, distant, and outwardly emotionally self-contained. Do not cry, beg, or be needy in any way.

Immediately stop doing anything to accommodate him in the house and encourage him to leave (if he hasn’t done so already)

Start reorganising the house, and the household schedule, to totally suit yourself.

Read more threads on here.

Do small things each day that bring you hope and joy.

Seconding the warning that he's probably got someone else in the background, OP. I know it's horrible, but better forewarned and forearmed. Sending hugs.

Thank you 💜 when I asked if he'd met someone else he said he hadn't been unfaithful but refused to answer the question which I guess says it all. I will be seeking legal advice at some point today as I don't want to lose everything I've worked so hard for.

@deedee148 there’s not much doubt then with that Woolley answer.
Im glad you are going to get legal advice. Show no mercy, it’s his turn to get a shock

I'm guessing being unfaithful is open to interpretation, but don't get lost on this detail. It doesn't change anything.

He is showing you who he is and what he thinks of you. Please believe him.

Grey rock. Get shit hot legal advice. Start stashing cash (£10 or £20 here and there, on cash back etc).

Do you have children? Because what we would suggest to you would be different if you don't.

Yes but they are 18 & 17

So it’s fair to assume he has started an inappropriate relationship with someone, if not a full blown affair.

He wants to “separate” to try the new relationship out for size and as he hasn’t formally left you it’s easier to just return home if that relationship doesn’t work for him.

And of course, if you later find out he is having sex with her, he will say you and him were on a break so it’s just fine and you have to accept it.

Please don’t allow him to leave you in limbo. Tell him you need to agree on how long the separation will last before you start the divorce and if you both will be living as single people - dating, having sex, falling in love and finding a much better replacement

Be prepared, he will rewrite history saying he hasn't been happy for ages.
There is always another woman.
Tell him to leave, you need space.
Don't do the pick me dance, don't wait for him to choose you/her. Kick the cheater out.
Tell your kids the truth, tell your support network.

As above.

Get your ducks in a row.
Confide in the friend who's never liked him. (For when you get nostalgic.)
Helpfully pack his bags for him so he can leave properly. Include his dirty laundry.

Wishing you the best. Life us going to be great once you're over this shock. 💐

Grieve for what could have been, then rebuild your life for you

Honestly? I’d go nuclear. Get him to pack a bag and leave the house ASAP. Don’t have him hanging around. See a solicitor and tell your ex that’s what you’re doing. If you have a joint account move out your half - same with any savings. Do not plead or beg. Take control and show him you mean business. Envision how you want your future life to look and work towards securing that.

Agree with all above. Get your own head and advice sorted now, write out your plan of attack and keep it with you. Even a to do list in your purse is helpful to keep you focused on actions every day whilst you're going through all this. Do not be a comfort to him, he's made his bed so now needs to lie in it. Look after yourself and pull your kids close, you 3 will need one another more in the coming months. Wishing you well OP x

don’t wait for him to start to back track, don’t hope for it, but if he does, remember that he told you that he doesn’t love you anymore and there is no coming back from that. Let yourself be sad and then find your anger.

@deedee148 I could have written your post myself, although we've been together 14 years married 11. also have 2 DC but younger than yours.

I'm quite a logical person and have, as OP's mentioned, contacted a solicitor already and discussed financials / child arrangements. when everything feels so heartbreaking and out of control I just need to regain some by taking charge with these things.

I'm shocked, saddened and so heartbroken for our young children. I feel like such a failure and that I've failed them.

I hope you your pain eases, sending hugs

@deedee148 ah I'm so sorry pal 💐

Women on these threads who post advice based on their experiences will be invaluable to you. Please listen to them and use their lived experience as guidance, I was such a fucking wimp when I divorced and with hindsight my life and my DCs would have been so much better had I had mntters!

Holding you in my thoughts, go nuclear lass!

Some sound advice in these responses.
Hold your head up. Try to take the emotion out of it and get your ducks in a row. It will be a challenge at times but you will get through it. Then you can start to look forward to your new life x

thank you for sharing and sending love your way as well. We both will come out the other side stronger it just hurts a bit at the moment

I am sorry, that must be a shock.

Lots of good advice above

Read up on The Script, he will be following this.

Can you call in sick today? He has known about his plans for a while, you need some time to catch up and do your own planning.

Best of luck.

@deedee148

See a solicitor and tell your ex that’s what you’re doing. If you have a joint account move out your half - same with any savings. Do not plead or beg. Take control and show him you mean business. Envision how you want your future life to look and work towards securing that.

I agree with this, but tell him after the fact.

• After you've found a good solicitor and had at least your first meeting. Get a good recommendation from trusted friends if possible or check "Find a solicitor" on The Law Society website.

• After you've transferred 50% of funds from bank accounts (including savings) to new accounts that are solely in your name and to which he has no access. Quite often the outgoing spouse empties bank accounts..

Also discreetly get together information you'll need to provide to your solicitor, including a good estimate of the market value of your house (less mortgage amount owing, how much equity in the property, etc), cash assets you both have incl pension schemes, his/your salary - including payslips if you can, share certificates etc. get copies/photos on your phone to print later/email your solicitor.

Check your job situation - are you able to increase hours/salary if necessary? Take care of these practical steps so you'll know what your financial position will be for the future. This will also take some of the fear out of the situation. Good luck. 🌹

I’m so sorry, what a terrible shock that must have been. I know you must be absolutely reeling but right now, you need to try and hold it together. And you do that by being practical. Grey rock all way, cool and calm, ask no questions about what has been going on because he will just lie. NO CONVERSATIONS other than the practicalities. Who is going to pay for what/live where/how is he going to tell the children/divide assets/what his plan is. More than likely he won’t have a plan so you gather all the info you can (banks statements/pension info etc) to make sure you get the best outcome for you.
Get together as much real life support as you can and rant and cry and scream to them, but show him none of it. If you show him any emotion he will move onto the next part of the script, where he basically says that everything is your fault and whatever, or whoever he has been doing, is because you made him 🤦‍♀️. It’s horseshit of course, so don’t entertain it.
He’s made his bed he can bloody lie in it. Sending cold hard fury your way, to dish out to him, and massive unmumsnetty hugs for you xxxx