Husband has just asked for a separation

[deedee148]

I feel totally blindsided my husband of 13 years (been together for 25) has just told me he doesn't love me anymore. I don't know where to go from here - any advice would be gratefully received

So sorry you’re going through this.
You’ve had some really good advice and I would echo agreeing to the separation period, what that looks like (separate rooms, doing your own household chores, whatever else) and the time period before a formal divorce.
Please though try to keep calm in front of him.
Don’t do the pick me dance. It just makes you vulnerable to him taking the piss, having his cake and eating it.
There’s another woman on the scene.
Rant to your friends/family and be very clear with them that he’s asked to separate, you have nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. Lean on support that’s offered.
And take care of yourself 💐

Oh I'm so sorry. I've been there with almost the same length of marriage.
It almost broke me.
My advice:

1. read the chump lady website and all about 'the script' He will try to rewrite your shared history to assuage his guilt of leaving. There will be another woman.
2. Don't play the pick me dance. Ask him to leave straight away and move out.
3. Get the best solicitor you can. Fund it yourself and borrow temporarily if you have to.Only ask your solicitor any questions between meetings if you can't get the answer online. They charge for.phone calls and emails. That said they give excellent advice if they are experienced family lawyers.
4. you are entitled to half of everything
5. Don't assume you have to go for 50/50 childcare if you have kids. I have eow and one night during the week. Suits me and the kids well.
6. In the early days a break up.spotify list helped me.
7. Rosie Greens book how to heal a broken heart helped me in the immediate weeks after. So did Runaway Husbands by Viki Stark, and especially the follow up.book to that one with women's personal stories. Hugs

Sorry lovely, some excellent advice on here, really helpful. As others have said he's got a head start on you. Legal advice ASAP. The minute he realises you mean business it ll become real so to speak. Do nothing for him in the house. He doesn't love you, so feck him. Good advice I received was hold your own thought. Let him wonder what your thinking and your next move. He is no longer your friend. Best of luck going forward.

I absolutely agree on the re writing of history. I also sadly agree on the other woman. Itbaoumds like there's at least a person of interest.

You need to catch up with who he really is and this will take time. But he's the type who will hurt his family because he's bored or had his head turned. Not the man you loved. Sorry.

You will be in shock and going through grief whereas he will feel he is moving into a new exciting phase of his life. He may also start acting in a way that makes me feel you don't know him. He will be changing to match OW.

What do you know about finances? Are you working?

He is at advantage to you OP as he’s planned this.
He is not the person you loved and trusted but a selfish stranger who will put his wishes before you and your children.
Have you got a separate bank account!
Make sure your wage , child benefit etc goes into your individual account.
Change any passwords on your accounts, phone, banks, Amazon , Netflix etc
Check savings accounts , has he been taking money out - he’s entitled if it’s joint money so beware
Get details of his pensions , etc because chances are the man you know will be replaced with a stranger .
Getting legal advice asap is essential OP don’t let him blindside you. Change your will and any insurance beneficiary including work place beneficiary’s.
Know your rights you are now looking after your childrens futures as chances are their Father will now play happy families with his mistress.

Gather support from your family and friends, you will need it . Don’t play by his time lines and rules.

Have you had any Marriage Guidance counselling? It can be helpful if there is something worth salvaging I know people who have found it massively helpful - but he has to be willing to talk things through.

You need to act as if you’ve already separated, go out with your friends, act as is if he isn’t there, don’t do anything for him.

Move into the spare room if you have one or buy twin duvets, don’t ask him any more questions about why he wants to separate, do not make his life easier in any way.

Do not have sec with him, if he’s met someone new he could be all fired up and want sex with you too.

See a solicitor, decide what you’d like to do regarding housing/finances etc, don’t let him decide and dictate terms to you.

Ignore the word separate and act as if he’s asked for a divorce. By separation he could mean keep things as they are and then he comes and goes as he pleases.

Tell whoever you want in real
life, don’t keep it as some dirty secret, get it out there, your DH wants to split up your family.

I'm sorry this happened to my dad and even as adult children it came as a shock. When my mum left with someone it definately made us grown up children side with my dad who was left.
It's 20 years ago now but it took my sister 6 years to start talking to my mum and you may find a lot of support from them.