Why does he get annoyed when I'm on the phone?

[cocktailstick]

Been with my partner for 14 years. He's 11 years older than me. Been together since I was 17.
5 children together. Hasn't been the easiest of relationships. Tbh this is my only one.
But I'm sort of fed up now, and noticing things I don't like anymore.

If I'm on the phone to my friend ( I don't really have many anymore) but my best friend. It's like he's always listening some where. Then when I get of the phone. He's in a mood and sulks. Some times it's because where she's single she tells me about a guy she's seeing or talking too, and he thinks it's "disrespectful" for her to tell me this??. Other times it could be because we have made plans and he doesn't like the plans so I don't go.

Can also be when I'm on the phone to mum. He has to have an opinion.

My neighbour is a pain in the arse and is forever knocking to borrow stuff. Granted it's recently slowed down. And I did say to him whatever she knocks for now on, just don't give it and she'll stop. He said that's fine and started refusing to talk to her when he saw her .
Anyway she knocks today to see how I am and if I have sugar, I actually didn't but we had a 1-2 minute chat and said bye.
He then was sulking and telling me im fake and a weirdo for speaking to her and he doesn't understand me. I was obviously upset and I said to him im sick of being called names, he said it's not his fault im so weird.
I ended up throwing my engagement ring at him and asking him to just piss off.
he's now been on my back asking me if he should break up with me, move out, telling me I have issues etc. then cuddling me but not apologising ans then I feel sort of gas lighting me into thinking I've done something wrong? I don't know.

Im just tired of it. We broke up last year for around 7 months as I caught him messaging other woman for the 10 th time in our relationship. All whilst I was pregnant with our "miracle child" who was conceived whilst he had cancer which I supported him through.
I'm just tired so so tired.

When we was apart I did really well but we gave things another go. And it's gone back to this again. I think I'm just waffling now but why is he like this.

Leave him. Don't waste another day.

I recognise what you're describing OP. Controlling and insecure men are ten a penny and they benefit massively from empathic women who give them the benefit of the doubt at the early red flags and get sucked into their crazy, self-involved ways. After a time you just have had enough of their behaviour and personality and think about 500 times a day about how nice it would be to leave them and not deal with their controlling and insecure shit day in, day out. You're at 14 years, I'm at 20+. Don't be like me. Either deal with it head on if you can be bothered (if he's a narcissist this will be very difficult) or make plans to bin him. You've done your bit and you don't owe him your peace of mind.

@anjea is right

You aren't a kid that he can control anymore, and he doesn't like that. Out of interest, were the women that he was messaging a lot younger than him?

Why on earth did you stay with him after you'd caught him messaging other women 10 times?! He's a cheating, manipulative creep, OP.

He is abusive and controlling.

He wants to degrade you and erode your self-worth. Put a stop to this now. Please tell him to leave. You've given him some of your life. Do not give him anymore. There's a beautiful life waiting for you.

You are worth so much more.

And the phone thing is because he's insecure. He's worried your friend will give you an insight into what's out there in the world and that it's better than him.

Leave him.

If I'm on the phone to my friend ( I don't really have many anymore)

This is the biggest red flag of all 🚩

Next it will be your family and then when you have nobody left in your life except him, he will really vamp up the control.

Get away from this man, he is not a good person.

red flags all the way 🚩 🚩 🚩

What on earth is a 28 year old interested in a 17 year old child for? That’s everything you need to know.
His behaviour has continued to be as immature, petulant and filled with red flags since.
do you really need to know ‘why’ ? isn’t it enough that he’s an unfaithful idiot who calls you names and tries to control you?

So he doesn't like you talking to your friend, is unhappy when you talk to your mother etc.

You know what ( almost ) everyone here will say - leave the bugger / throw him out.

You are only 31 ? do you really want be to with him when you are 81 ?!!!

@AllBlackEverything They was sort of all ages. One was my age I'm 30 now. And the rest was his age or about that.
He did used to be worse than this. For years I wasn't allowed to go the gym incase I spoke to men. Then I wasn't allowed Instagram incase I spoke to men. Dealt with that years later and I have it now but still get asked if I'm talking to other people on there.
I find myself constantly asking him if he's ok. Sometimes i find myself asking him about 8 times a day because he's always sitting around miserable.
He's out of work atm due to not long getting over the cancer and having a few issues from the surgery but I feel trapped. We are together 24.7. I find myself constantly sitting in my room on my own in the evenings. Sorry that was a reply to all type reply.

No I don't.
I liked myself when I was single. I had a routine with the kids. 2 of them have adhd and so do I and we actually coped better with him away. We was in a routine for the first time ever.
We did so much fun stuff. Since he's been back it's all stopped and gone out the window. I think I was fun on my own I felt free. When I got up in the morning I put music on and was silly with the kids and it was less stressful.

This relationship is unhealthy OP , your partner wants to manipulate and control you . It’s not your phone he hates. But the fact you are talking to anyone but him and he can’t dictate the narrative.
Youve had a glimpse of a happier life for your family without him. I hope you find the strength to do that again

In 10 years time, do you want to be in the same situation? By the sounds of it, he won't change so it will be down to you to either kick him out or leave yourself. When my ex and I split up, there wasn't anyone else for either of us but we realised that neither of us wanted to spend any time on our own with the other one and as our three children were all flying the nest that summer it would have made us both miserable. Both much happier now

He sounds horrible, there's no chance of rescuing this.

Wouldn't you love the freedom of being on your own again without him breathing down your neck?

There's your answer: life is better without him in it. His cancer is unfortunate but it didn't make him into the controlling arsehole he is so I would tell him to bugger off and don't take him back this time.

He doesn't like that he can't control you anymore, I bet.

Life is so short, OP. Free yourself from this man.

I’m wondering about your life more broadly, @cocktailstick.

Are you in the UK?

Do you have A’ Levels? A degree?

Have you been able to build a career in between having five children?

Whats your financial situation?

These are all things that would support a healthy relationship. Yours sounds oppressive and controlling and you need to start building some resources of your own.

Did you WANT to have 5 kids?

Sounds like you might have been manipulated into that too. I’m amazed you even have time to make phone calls with 5 to look after though. Guessing you don’t work as that is another way to control someone.

And you’re engaged but not married. After 14 years and 5 kids. What a gem of a man he is. You know that engagement ring you threw means as much to him as a stale hula hoop, don’t you?

Well done for getting out before. Take a deep breath and do it again.

When we was apart I did really well

He's controlling you and has been since before you were an adult, it's so widespread and longstanding that you can't see the wood for the trees.

But, you do know that you left him before, and you were ok, and you can do it again.

You need to get out of there so you can begin to live your life. Get some support, there is so much going on here that you mention that suggests a really unhealthy abusive dynamic and there will be rafts more that you haven't mentioned here.

Make sure you do this where he can't find out you've done it, so, from a trusted friends device, or phone, (although he sounds like he's done a pretty good number on you so you don't get out of the house much or have any friends, and that's on purpose) but contact Womens Aid and they will help you with your next step.

You're not making it up, you know how it feels wrong? That's because it's wrong. You can do it.

Hi I worked for a few years but it would cause rows. Unfortunately our eldest has extensive problems and health issues so I became her carer. Seems weird saying carer as It doesn't seem no different from being a parent. But she does half days or she is out of school for months on end etc so I always have to be here. Which makes me feel isolated.
Never wanted 5 kids but he wanted lots. Weirdly enough when we got back together he was hell bent on getting me pregnant again. I should say we have 4 kids as I'm 6 months now with number 5.

I do want to be on my own. I've asked him to leave and I know I can do it and I know I can cope. He drains the energy out of me and the positivity I have. I woke up this morning and for the first time in years. Had a panic attack.
After I posted this last night he went crazy at me calling me a slag because I was watching first dates and a man came on and he said I'm only watching it for the man. It created a big row I ended up turning it off. It's things like that I am tired of. Every thing I do is wrong.

Can you get out of the house for an couple of hours or is he always down your neck?

Never wanted 5 kids but he wanted lots. Weirdly enough when we got back together he was hell bent on getting me pregnant again. I should say we have 4 kids as I'm 6 months now with number 5

This is incredibly sad. Please get away from him. He wants you trapped and without any friends.

I'm not sure what you're wanting from this post @cocktailstick ??

This man is showing you more red flags than a communist party committee meeting..... and I think you must know that deep down?

You had a 7 month break and now h'es got you "trapped" again by getting you pregnant when you didn't really want this many kids?

You ;eft before - and you can leave again. Contact Womens aid and look at the Freedom programme that will help you recover from the abusive relationship. You felt strong and happy when you left before - dont let him gaslight you into thinking you can't go it alone - you absolutely - and should - can do so!

Oh and as is always the case on MN @Anjea - the first post nail it.

There's a book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why Does He Do That?" It's on this site free of charge in PDF form if you wanted to read it. You may not find him to fit exactly one of the types discussed but you will most certainly see the whys and wherefores of his controlling behaviours outlined.