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Original poster

DH can't O

32 replies

Worriedwife00 · 21/02/2024 14:23

I have changed my username. Please be gentle with responses.

I have been married for 4.5 years and knew before that DH was a Virgin, think 40 year old virgin. I wasn't as I was previously married (yes we are both religious). I wasn't fussed. Totally understood the realities of life remaining celibate that long just didn't seem real. We are both older (30's) when we met and I did say - life happens. We make mistakes. We change. Things happen.

So I bought it up pre marriage and said I am happy to do a Sexual Health Screening at the GUM. We both did it and all clear.

So I made it clear I am not judgmental of his past etc.
After we got married I found out he couldn't perform barely. It has gotten better over the years but he has never been able to get to - climax within me if that's makes sense. He can externally.

Again been totally understanding and reassuring and looking at all possible reasons. However, he has chosen to ignore there is an issue. It has been a point of discussion and at times argument between us. I ended up doing lots of research and presenting it to him in an open way. But he just says he doesn't know why and it may go away so to ignore it.

My irrational side has gone all places, does he love me, is he gay, am I attractive. I go above and beyond. I have tried everything.

He is very very loving and affectionate 4.5years later he is very handsy all times of the day. He initiates things a lot.

I managed to get him to the Drs but of course Male Dr didn't examine him. Just questions and prescribed viagra. That isn't the issue. He can keep it up, too long, but he can't climax internally. I know others have the complete opposite issue. We managed to get seen privatly and the DR said the same, relax cut back on stress. All blood work was normal.

I am not sure how to move forward next. Private sex therapy? I seem that mentioned online a few times. We have tried some things at home. He goes along with it but he isn't bothered.

Our marriage is perfect otherwise. He is great husband emotionally and physically. But this one topic / issue is constantly at the back of my head.

Should I just let it go and just accept we are having this issue and so be it.

OP posts:
Moonfishstar · 21/02/2024 16:50

My thoughts are that he was a virgin at 40, that he will have become very used to masturbating. Irrespective of whether than was porn-aided, he will have become completely used to orgasming that way, and in his 40s, his hormones are no longer raging to the extent that they would readily overcome this issue. The actions and feelings of intercourse would be very different to masturbation, so it's probably not a surprise.

My bf (48) wasn't quite the same as your DH... He had been married for a long time and had other sexual partners, but before we got together he had become used to orgasming by masturbating rather than through sex. He didn't orgasm for the first few times we had sex - though we still
had great sex, and he didn't just bang away for hours like some men seem to, but he refrained from masturbating, and building up a lot of sexual tension as a result seems to have made a big difference, and he climaxes most times now, even if it sometimes seems takes a while (that's fine by me - he's never "inside" for more than 15 minutes, and we do other stuff, oral or massage or have a break if he hasn't finished).

I think he needs to allow sexual tension to build and build, and he needs to practice (on his own if you're not willing and available), and improve his fitness levels too so his blood doesn't drain to his other muscles whilst in the act!

MermaidEyes · 21/02/2024 17:16

I'm confused? So you can both have sex and enjoy it, the only issue is he can't climax inside you? Are you trying for a baby? If not then I really don't see any issue. He just finishes another way.

Moonfishstar · 21/02/2024 17:19

MermaidEyes · 21/02/2024 17:16

I'm confused? So you can both have sex and enjoy it, the only issue is he can't climax inside you? Are you trying for a baby? If not then I really don't see any issue. He just finishes another way.

It's perhaps not the biggest sex issue, and definitely better than impotence or premature ejaculation, but ideally it's nice for a man to finish inside...

MightyGoldBear · 21/02/2024 17:37

Yes you will both need therapy to help you communicate through this issue.

Does he use porn and masturbation? He will need to abstain from both he needs to rewire his brain and body that typically takes 3 months to do. 3 months of no sex no masturbation no porn and he will be operating from a base level again.

I wouldn't worry about the sexual side right now. I'd worry about the communications issues you have. He seems to shut down to your concerns and won't talk. You won't be able to move forward with anything till he has learnt some relational skills and communication.

jsku · 21/02/2024 18:21

@Worriedwife00
Plenty of women don’t orgasm during PIV sex. And they finish before or after their partners with manual stimulation.
It’s nit an issues.

You married a virgin man in his 30s. I am not sure why you were surprised he wasn’t great at it. Or even good. His only sexual experience since puberty was masturbation. His mind/etc is wired to come in that way now.
Pressure from you will not make it any better and will only make your sex life less free and enjoyable.

Men are not sexual robots. His orgasm is not about your attractiveness. It is NOT a medical issue either. Just how his brain is wired now. I feel for the poor guy - he is already trying as much as he can.

So - just let him be. He is a good husband by your account. And he is attentive, etc during sex - so i assume he gets you there.

Don’t judge how he gets there himself. Participate, maybe? If it becomes more of a joint experience - his brain may eventually rewire.

Horationor · 21/02/2024 18:52

If you are both enjoying the experience I don't really see the problem as to where he finishes or how.

DorothyZ · 21/02/2024 18:53

Death grip

DillDanding · 21/02/2024 18:55

You can say orgasm in your thread title. We won’t all faint. 😂

Another vote for death grip. Especially if he was a 40 year old virgin.

thistimelastweek · 21/02/2024 18:59

Religion has messed with his head?

Therapy sounds a good bet.

AnotherCountryMummy · 21/02/2024 19:04

DorothyZ · 21/02/2024 18:53

Death grip

Came on here to say the same.

justtidying · 21/02/2024 19:07

DorothyZ · 21/02/2024 18:53

Death grip

Me too

MiltonNorthern · 21/02/2024 19:08

This is not really a big deal. My DH rarely finishes inside and it's fine. At least he doesn't orgasm until I'm completely done!

Coincidentally · 21/02/2024 19:29

Not necessarily‘death grip’ just what he c is used to. I was with a man do had not had sex for right years before he met me as nd actually only a few times before that -and he was 55. I honestly would have thought he was a virgin if he didn’t have two children. He has married as a virgin and his ex wife was asexual so he had literally only had sex a few times in his life. He also could get (quite easily) and maintain an erratic but couldn’t finish in me. I was pizzked at guest (had been married for years before that) but after a while he gained confidence and was firstly able to finish when I was on top, and then eventually when when he was in control. It took a while but it was a confidence issue! not death grip.

C1N1C · 21/02/2024 19:46

Lol, the 'death grip' chestnut...

Could be any number of things:

Heart issues
Stress
Anxiety (during sex)
Gay
Porn
Medication
Drugs
Unknown health issues
Smoking
Penis 'under-sensitivity' - can be an issue with circumcised men
Not tight enough (it's funny how everyone always jumps on 'him', and the death grip rubbish)

SleepingStandingUp · 21/02/2024 20:05

I think the important thing is to work out what the issue is for you:
You're trying for a baby
You don't like the mess
He goes off alone to finish
You think it's cos it's you
You don't like wanking him off
You don't like blow jobs
He insists on coming over you
He keeps banging away for an hour
Etc.

Tackle that bit. Take the pressure off the orgasm. Make sure you're both enjoying it.

Moonfishstar · 21/02/2024 20:32

DorothyZ · 21/02/2024 18:53

Death grip

This is about as helpful and constructive as just writing "frigid" if a man said his partner has vaginnimus.

DorothyZ · 21/02/2024 20:35

This is about as helpful and constructive as just writing "frigid" if a man said his partner has vaginnimus.

Why? It is plausible

Moonfishstar · 21/02/2024 20:35

MightyGoldBear · 21/02/2024 17:37

Yes you will both need therapy to help you communicate through this issue.

Does he use porn and masturbation? He will need to abstain from both he needs to rewire his brain and body that typically takes 3 months to do. 3 months of no sex no masturbation no porn and he will be operating from a base level again.

I wouldn't worry about the sexual side right now. I'd worry about the communications issues you have. He seems to shut down to your concerns and won't talk. You won't be able to move forward with anything till he has learnt some relational skills and communication.

No masturbation and no porn I get, but why no sex? He doesn't need a "hard re-boot" to a pre-pubescent boy, he just needs to get used to having his pleasure from sex! The more he has it, and the less he masturbates, the more he will get used to it.

DorothyZ · 21/02/2024 20:36

Wouldn't call anyone frigid for vaginismus what it that about?

Cheeesus · 21/02/2024 20:39

I think @SleepingStandingUp has got it right.

Bestyearever2024 · 21/02/2024 20:50

He can't orgasm inside you because he's so used to the very firm grip of his own hand

MiltonNorthern · 21/02/2024 20:58

Jeez
it's possible he has 'death grip'
but it's also possible he has lack of sensitivity for any number of other reasons. It's so tedious to always read 'death grip' on every thread like this posted smugly as if it's a fact. And so what if he has 'death grip'? It's hardly his fault, masturbating isn't a bad thing to do, and I'm sure he would change it if he could.

BringMeSaltandVinegar · 21/02/2024 21:00

Personally, I think you should let it go. It's not that unusual for a man to have difficulty orgasming through penetration. It's not as frequent as a woman who can't, but all humans are individuals and need different levels of stimulation.

I've dated a few men (including one who was a doctor) who couldn't finish through penetration. It never occurred to me to send them to their GP and it certainly didn't occur to the doctor to seek medical help for it. If they couldn't finish, it wasn't a big deal. No more than if I couldn't myself.

Besides, there's nothing more likely to prevent an orgasm than someone pressuring you that you have to have one. The best thing is to relax and go with the flow.

Moonfishstar · 21/02/2024 21:46

DorothyZ · 21/02/2024 20:36

Wouldn't call anyone frigid for vaginismus what it that about?

No, and neither would I... But the dismissive and abrupt two word "death grip" slur with its subtext of "pathetic porn addled perv - get rid of the loser asap" is little different from a man replying with a dismissive "frigid" were a man is questioning why he unable to penetrate his wife...

Moonfishstar · 21/02/2024 21:46

Besides, there's nothing more likely to prevent an orgasm than someone pressuring you that you have to have one. The best thing is to relax and go with the flow.

Very true...

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