DH can't O

[Worriedwife00]

I have changed my username. Please be gentle with responses.

I have been married for 4.5 years and knew before that DH was a Virgin, think 40 year old virgin. I wasn't as I was previously married (yes we are both religious). I wasn't fussed. Totally understood the realities of life remaining celibate that long just didn't seem real. We are both older (30's) when we met and I did say - life happens. We make mistakes. We change. Things happen.

So I bought it up pre marriage and said I am happy to do a Sexual Health Screening at the GUM. We both did it and all clear.

So I made it clear I am not judgmental of his past etc.
After we got married I found out he couldn't perform barely. It has gotten better over the years but he has never been able to get to - climax within me if that's makes sense. He can externally.

Again been totally understanding and reassuring and looking at all possible reasons. However, he has chosen to ignore there is an issue. It has been a point of discussion and at times argument between us. I ended up doing lots of research and presenting it to him in an open way. But he just says he doesn't know why and it may go away so to ignore it.

My irrational side has gone all places, does he love me, is he gay, am I attractive. I go above and beyond. I have tried everything.

He is very very loving and affectionate 4.5years later he is very handsy all times of the day. He initiates things a lot.

I managed to get him to the Drs but of course Male Dr didn't examine him. Just questions and prescribed viagra. That isn't the issue. He can keep it up, too long, but he can't climax internally. I know others have the complete opposite issue. We managed to get seen privatly and the DR said the same, relax cut back on stress. All blood work was normal.

I am not sure how to move forward next. Private sex therapy? I seem that mentioned online a few times. We have tried some things at home. He goes along with it but he isn't bothered.

Our marriage is perfect otherwise. He is great husband emotionally and physically. But this one topic / issue is constantly at the back of my head.

Should I just let it go and just accept we are having this issue and so be it.

Yes so as mentioned we went through the lists online. He doesn't masturbate since marrriage. We are intimate very often. We even took a break to see if tension helps. It didnt work. And ironically I have 0 issue with orgasm via penetration. Like role reversal. For me it is every time and multiple times.

Yes it has caused issues with conception. But as I said did loads of a research and we found a work around eventually so have managed to conceive although not so spontaneous and hard work.

I do suspect Death Grip as well as psychological reasons. maybe even "edging". I doubt it is religious reasons. But more cultural and we have discussed Porn and that has not been an issue for at least a decade or more.

Things have gotten better. When we first got married he couldn't get an erection or keep it. Now he can but it is difficult for him to finish.

I don't pressure him i am just looking to investigate it. Our intimacy is great no issues in terms of satisfaction especially me.

But yeah other then the therapy there isn't anything physically wrong. He is very fit and healthy. No smoking or drinking. No drugs recreational or medical etc. He has a healthy BMI etc. All blood tests were normal. So no heart issues, cholesteol, hormonal etc. They checked it all. They all said the same psychological.

Thank you all, seeing all the responses makes me feel a lot more at ease about it.
It is funny how when we have an issue we are poked and proded but it is such a taboo subject still for men. I do hope things will just work out with time.

@Coincidentally thank you that is encouraging to read. Yes it could be exposure and lack of experience and all that time. Like stress and pressure buikt up so like stage performance. I do hope things will get better with time.

I think when people come on threads like this, and say, ‘death grip’ it would be the equivalent of people saying ‘rabbit minge’ or ‘vibrator vulva’ or something to suggest that women who cant orgasm through penetration have been using a vibrator too much.

I do suspect Death Grip as well as psychological reasons. maybe even "edging"

If he hasn't masturbated at all since your marriage then I can't see how it's death grip... Given that 99% of men masturbate more regularly than that, he'd be one of the least likely men to have it! Presumably that means he's never orgasmed in 4.5 years! That's a very, very long time for a man who seems to otherwise love sex - it feels incomprehensible that he wouldn't have masturbated even once during this time...

As for "edging", my understanding is that's when you reduce or cease stimulation to delay orgasm so you last longer. It takes a lot of self-discipline not to let yourself tip over, with this being done to strengthen the ultimate orgasm. It doesn't make sense that a man would "edge" again and again, and yet never, ever "let go".... over many years! And if he isn't able to "let go", he wasn't on the "edge" in the first place.

@Moonfishstar no i use my.hand he doesn't go off to finish by himself. We do have kids together now. Found the work around.

Yeah I think the edging was actually mentioned by himself once I had never heard of it before. But when I looked up delayed ejaculation causes that was mentioned in a couple places.
But yeah the letting go part makes a lot of sense.... Thanks has helped me see things differently.

Wow I hadn't really thought of the meaning behind the term "death grip" but yes that's seems to be quiet insensitive to use. Not as if I say it to him. It was mentioned in a list of causes.

I'm glad you managed to have kids but my mind boggles over the work around!

As for using your hand to finish him off, it sounds like he's just got used to that instead of his own hand. If you do want to crack this, then I think you need to stop finishing him off, and leave him "unsatisfied" at the end of the session, and let the sexual tension build in him, and let his only source of stimulation be intercourse itself. I reckon you'll then have a DH who's able to orgasm inside you within a month or two.
Obviously he would need to be on board with this for it to work.

Neurologically speaking it's the fastest most efficient way for the brain to reset. To let those old neural pathways fade away you need to not stimulate them in any way for a clear reset. It also has the added bonus of taking the pressure and anxiety off if there is psychological issues at play. It also can provide some insight if there is addiction at play as someone with addiction won't be able to go 3 months without support and without consequences/visible signs of decline.