No going back

[Fedupfred72]

Bear with me with as it's a bit long

Married to my wife nearly 25 years 2 kids 16/18
My wife has been threatening to end our marriage for years now as apparently I'm a shit husband and father. She did so again week before last and something snapped inside so I surved her wth petition for divorce last week although I really fucked up the timing due to in experience of divorce and being more than a little crap.

Basically I have come to the conclusion that she emotionally abuses me. Also Apparently I'm what's called nd which I think has bearing on thi... Also Did has same traits which is what makes her so fab! Nd.... It's new to me but I sometimes struggle to see how people treat me and use to not be unable to see how others saw me. This now all makes a lot of sense as growing up I had no friends.... however after a bit of therapy and being told I'm shit and having been told all my faults in excruciating detail for 30 years repeated ly I'm now quite self aware.

Back to storytime
Last year we had marriage counselling and started off v badly with me being portrayed as total bastard. However by the end of it the lady had to more or less tell her that she has little self awareness and maybe I had a point. At that point apparently the marriage guidance wasn't working and also with the cost due to my business failure we had to stop... which was a shame!.

Going back a few years to COVID we had to take in my brother in law due to an abusive alcoholic cc wife and in law's. This turned into I nightmare that apparently most of the professionals involved had not ever come across. Vwe took huge personal risks taking him and kids in and getting back kids from abusive grandparents. Yes you heard that right and they are judges words re grandparents and in order to save them from foster care I was forced to build an extension on our house (apparently social services didn't like the thought they may have to share bedrooms WTF!! And don't get me started on carcass) so they could come and live with us which took me 16 hour days for a year without a single day off... literally everyday after work. All my weekends no holiday nothing,!. This helped destroy my business as at same time my business partner had a nervous breakdown. You vare probably getting the picture.. I too have suffered with my mental health but when I reached out to her I was told I'm your wife not your therapist sort yourself out I'm your wife not your doctor ... However this bloody house I built is now the stick she metaphorically beats me with.
Moving onto to marriage counselling...
During recent marriage counselling the 2 big issues were my work. 12 hour days six or seven days a week ( however v well paid..many multiples of what I now earn)and drinking...Upton a bottle a night. I told marriage councillor at last meeting that I had wound up my company and stopped drinking.. she suggested that's great you can move on. I suggested not so as she would just move onto new failings that I have. And low and behold she's just moved onto the next set of things to berate me over. Incidentally at counselling I pointed out to her she drank as much or more than me. Her mouth was like a goldfish. She just didn't know what to say. But I can't say things to her face as I'm a bit scared of her....and I'm no shrinking violet! I needed someone there???
To top all off a few weeks ago the doctors thought I had signs of cancer. I was desperate not to let her find out why I was so keen to see a doctor as I knew what would happen. She found out and went right off the deep end. How could I leave her in this mess with everything to sort out. She later apologised but I knew that would be her reaction .. when I got all clear from some of tests she was nice for 24 hours then bam she was back to tearing me another arsehole.
I want to do the best for my kids but I can't stay in the same house as her for another 2 years till DD finishes school.
She does have many great attributes. She can be funny loving caring....but there's all the above and I can't ignore it anymore but I still love her.

To add to it all I have dyslexia and big hands which are frozen after spending 3 hours under her car fixing it having come straight off night shift and not can't feel fingers..and small phone so sorry for the above spelling etc

Someone please help me...

You’ve had a lot going on as a family. It definitely seems like you may both be happier apart. How did your wife take you initiating the divorce?

Not well. I told her I was doing her a favour. Although of course it became a bit heated but I lay out the option of reconciliation but I just think it's gone too far and I'm not sure I want it. Again she's blaming me for essentially doing what she said she wido. Also have reaffirmed it's not about money. She can have the house as far as I'm concerned everything I did was for them so it's all a bit pointless now

Firstly so sorry your going through this.
Secondly, you need to do what's right for you! Your children are old enough to cope, there will be negative emotions at first but they will see in time it was the right thing to happen. Family breakdowns are always sad however they may have picked up on your wife's behaviour which isn't good.
It's good for them to see you putting your own mental health first. Don't change your parenting and re assure them. Show them it's okay to leave a unhappy marriage.

Good luck xx

It’s horrible for you now, however the situation with your wife seems toxic. Well done for putting your mental health first and being brave enough to take the first steps to a hopefully happier future for you.

Ultimately it's not about me or her but the kids. I do think it was the disastrous divorce her parents had that has led us here.. I have said to her on more than one occasion it's all a self fulfilling prophecy for her...and I don't want ouykids to end up as emotionally fucked up as her and her brother..nice man that he is

Well done for wanting to break the cycle for your own kids and for wanting to put their needs first. Hopefully this may encourage your wife to have more counselling herself too to help with her past trauma and help her learn to deal with it in a more healthy way.

It will be much healthier for the children to have two happier separated parents, who aren’t constantly fighting and at each other’s throats, than two miserable parents living together.

Deffo about two happy separated parents. She has had councilling before but I'm not sure it's done much good. It's weird as she is a very emotionally intelligent person but utterly unable to see her falts, marriage councillor more or less told her that but in a nice way.Where as me with my Nd are somewhat limited in understanding others but have had my faults rammed down neck since childhood by both my mother and her I know most of the things wrong with my personality. It's hard not to when you are reminded of something you did wrong 22 years ago as likely 22 minutes ago. Ho hum

You sound like you have really suffered, OP, which is a shame bc you sound lovely. The fact you’ve been able to acknowledge and list the positive attributes after her treatment of you and say you still love her is testament to your decent character. But I think enough is enough. You’ve given your wife the opportunity to mend her ways and change her behaviour after the shock of serving papers and she hasn’t. It’s clear from what you have said that she holds you in very low regard and you are at the bottom of the pecking order, which includes her brother and his kids. How does she treat your own kids? Is she kind to them?

She sounds very abusive and unstable. She is used to kicking you around and using you as and emotional punchbag bc you have allowed her to treat you this way for so long. That’s not intended as a dig at you but highlights her abusive character.

You mentioned alcohol - is this affecting her mood? Is she dependent on it? Is she depressed or possibly has other mental health issues and is self-medicating with it?

Wishing you all the best going forward OP. You deserve to meet someone who will treat you a lot better, or at the very least being single and having a calm and stress-free existence away from her. You deserve to be happy, I’m sure your children would want that for you too.

Good luck x

Thank you

As others have said, it really sounds like you have suffered a lot over the years. You seem like a very loving father, wanting to put your children’s needs first.

Constantly being reminded of things you’ve supposedly done wrong is very draining and soul destroying. Whilst some of these things may be genuine things that maybe shouldn’t have happened (however if you’ve learnt from them, apologised and changed how you’d react now, they shouldn’t be kept being thrown back in your face), others may not be mistakes you’ve actually made. You may have acted in a perfectly reasonable way, but just differently to how the other person wanted.

I really hope in time you can move forward, it sounds cliche but learn to love yourself (as you come across as a genuinely lovely person), find peace and happiness, because you deserve better. I hope you can find someone who appreciates you and who brings you joy and comfort in the future and even if you remain single that you find contentment and have a happy life.

I wish you the best of luck for the future 😊.

Did you serve the divorce on her the same day as the anniversary of your MIL's death?

Because if so, I'm sure your wife also has a thread on here.

You need to leave that toxicity behind you. That relationship is going to destroy the full lot of you teens included.

So you have packed in your buisness, are you at home all the time now ?

You were earning very large ammounts and now nothing, that's an unfortunate time for your wife to be divorced with you earning nothing, yet you're still going to leave her the house.
Was her name on the buisness ? Did she have shares in your buisness ?

It seems stange that you,ve packed in drinking as well, as her main complaints were being neglected and your drinking, both of those addressed and you don't want to work on the marriage.

Where will you go if you have no home and no income ?

Sounds like everything has been put in place.

You do know she will be looking for another woman now, don't you.

No as soon as my business failed and I had sufficiently cleared up the mess I got a job working nights.. didn't even get a day off.

Yes I did address the drinking and job and it made no difference although as you can imagine it was a whole cluster fuck affecting her v badly.. don't really want to discuss legal ins and it's of that here but ltd co.

Me and Mrs....I don't think she's gay although with the kind of luck I'm having it would be the crowning turd on the shitcake that my life has become

Eh?

Sounds like you're frantically searching for reasons to end your marriage.

@Fedupfred72 I think @MeAndMrs meant your wife will be looking for evidence of you having another woman (an affair partner), not that your wife will be looking for a female partner for herself.

She will have to look bloody hard I have spent last 5years on industrial strength anti depressants which make you feel like a monk! In addition I loved her and took my promise to her seriously. Even if that does sound a bit cheesy

Me and Mrs. I wasn't looking for a way out ...just ground down by constant nagging and belittling. However I was at work last night and it suddenly occurred to me I could do all the things I want to for me as well as things with the kids (pony trecking in Mongolia etc)and I had the happiest feeling in years. It's like a Rubicon crossed

So it all kicked off tonight.
I sent a text to her last to say we need to be.kind to one another and get daughter through GCSEs.
She went to work and I spent next 5 hours in pouring rain fixing her car so she can get to work next day while take my son back to uni.
Spent pm thith him and got in at 6pm on knees as I hadn't slept in 22 hours as I'm working nights.
Quick nap then daughter gets me up as she is desperate for us to go on holiday to Greece. Nothing flashy just Airbnb and want's family converance. . Well she didn't want to discuss this with them and had a face like thunder saying we could not afford it. Which is what true but I offered to do overtime and use my redundancy money. At this point she fucked off to bed.

I go and ask what is happening where by she tears me another arsehole for not having food on the table when she got in and cleaned house etc. what that had to do with discussion of our last family holiday I'm not sure
then launched into how bi she feels about her mum's death over a year ago.. she was horrible to her mum!
On a side note which I alluded to in first post my fuck up on telling her about divorce was on anniversary of mother's death!!! Yes I know I really fucked up there but it wasn't malicious I'm just didn't realise they were going to take money from our account that day as paperwork was not going to be surved for another month.n I'll regret that timing till my dying day .. never got a divorce before

I’m pretty sure she has started a thread on here I noticed a couple of days ago about the topic you mentioned.

Well she has much right as me to do so..

That’s very decent of you

You both sound incredibly unhappy, people grow apart and that’s okay. Separating is hard, however hopefully with time it will lead to you both being happier and leading more fulfilling lives.

OK well we've got 2 sides now. If it's true you built an extension to your house by working 16 hours a day on it, for a year, you must be very accomplished at building things. Then you fix cars too for hours! A jack of all trades you could say, however, there are tradesmen and people who you can and should of outsourced these jobs to so that you would not have had your business go down the pan and possibly caused your business partner to have a breakdown as I can only presume you left him to do all the work for a year while building your own extension.
Anyway, now you'll have a large house that's worth more, so sell it and get your own place if your DW that bad.
Some things don't add up here, what are the chances that a person who is thinking about their mother on the anniversary of her death, are going to check bank details on the same day? It's not a thing people check daily, and you could of just either told her a day or 2 later, or waited for her to spot and ask about it- which I doubt she would have on that day.