I think we might be broken- please give me your positive stories of single motherhood

[Blendedfamilystruggle]

I have been struggling with lots of aspects of our family life for a while now and tonight something happened involving my DSS12 that may have been the final straw for me. DP and I have had a huge argument as a result and I don't know how we can come back from this. I think we're done but I'm terrified of the impact that splitting will have on the two children that we have together.

Please give me your positive (and negative) experiences of splitting with the father of your children, particularly when it is not likely to be amicable and you don't feel entirely comfortable leaving the children in his care without you. How did you navigate it?

Anyone? I'm sitting up awake and worrying about the future. Would love anyone to talk to

My DC flourished when we split - because the atmosphere in the house changed from constant tension to a happier place. They could see a positive change in me and their Dad once we were apart. We’re all happier now and everyone deserves that. It feels so scary to start with but what’s the alternative? Years of misery and resentment benefit no-one. My ex is now a better parent when I’m not around, he had to grow into it but he got there. I would have been slightly concerned if he’d asked for 50/50 childcare but he was never interested so sees them twice a month which works for us all. My DC prefer the stability and lack of disruption to schol routine. Good luck. You are probably stronger than you even know!

Didn't want to read and run. But I split from my ex when my children were 11,10 and 8. Be brave, you are probably braver than you think. Stay true to yourself to yourself and do what you know is right.

I left a horrible marriage that had been truly broken for years due to spiralling DV and in the end when I did leave it just felt like the biggest relief. I had admittedly detached emotionally long before I physically left with my two little ones, but it was honestly the best thing I ever did. Even though five years on he is still dragging me through the courts (controlling narc type), I have to admit that I absolutely love being a single mum.

I close my own front door each night and the three of us have a peaceful, relaxed and happy home. Single glazing, threadbare carpets and a leaky tap but the peace of mind in being free from all the angst and nastiness,arguments and anxiety is the best feeling in the world

When you know it's time to go, be brave and make that first step. You can do it and you deserve to be happy. Good luck lass x

Thank you for the responses. I know it's right as things are turning toxic, I'm starting to unravel and have shouted twice now in the last week in front of the children (I never ever shout). Tonight it wasn't even with DP but at DSS as he came at me aggressively and I shouted at him not to come at me and DP is furious with me for shouting at his son. It's so out of character for me but there is a whole back story and the jist is that I am now at the end of my tether and I don't want my children growing up in this toxicity as I can't see it getting better, only worse. I feel like we are the stereotypical example of blended families not working and I feel so guilty that I brought my (our shared) children into it. I would never change any of it purely to have them again but it's not an environment that they deserve.

I love this so much. I am not living with DV but I feel in a constant state of anxiety because of our current situation and the way that DP deals with things. When I go to visit my family who live hours away, I feel so much more calm and relaxed and start to feel like a person again. What you've described is what I dream of.

Can I ask, does your ex see the kids? How do you manage that?

Don’t blame yourself. You couldn’t foresee this. I spent years worrying I’d damaged my children because when I was unhappily married I shouted often. I was sometimes horrible. I’ve since apologised and my kids have turned out pretty well so far (fingers crossed). Do you have friends/family who can help you make a plan to leave?

My parents were actually here when the events tonight unfolded. They had to leave though so will be driving through the night to get home. I'm lucky in that I have very supportive family and friends, but unfortunately they live 4 hours away.

I'm also worried because they're so small, they're only 2.5 and 8 months. They were crying tonight when I shouted, they stopped quickly when I stopped and comforted them but my 2 year old was asking me why I was crying and why DSS was shouting. It definitely unsettled her, they both took ages to get to sleep tonight. I just want to protect them from all of this.

We left when ds was two. Things improved immediately. DS became much calmer, happier and more confident. No arguments, no excessive drinking. I could settle down with ds in the evenings, have some quiet time, relax, then bedtime routine without a struggle.

My finances improved slowly as well. Not having to share ex's & sdd's expensive food & drink bills. Always brands, always the most expensive versions available.
DS & I ate better, healthier, less wastefully.

It was such a relief to be out. It took about a year for my finances to clear, so not long.

What happened with your DS seeing your ex if he drank? This is a concern of mine with regards to my DDs seeing DP without me as I've realised he is a functioning alcoholic. He doesn't drink during the day but every night he does and so I wouldn't want him to have them overnight. I'm also worried about him not addressed DSS's behaviour and it impacting DDs if I'm not around to act as a buffer as I have been doing.

How old is DSS?
Depending on age and whether he was actually going to hurt you, I would be involving outside agencies. You have to safeguard your other children.
You refer to your dp, so I assume you are not married.
In many ways that makes it easier to leave.
Do you rent or own your property? Whose name is it in?

He's 12. He wasn't actually going to hurt me, he uses threats of violence as a way of trying to control others, usually poor little DSS who is 7, but also other children at school (and so he often ends up in fights). For example I have caught him a number of times raising his hand threatening to slap DSS7 if he doesn't do what he is telling him, or he puts his face right up into his brother's and squares up to him to intimidate him, which is what he was trying to do to me tonight.
We're not married but we jointly own a property, with both of our names being on the mortgage.

DSS sounds like a very troubled boy and he will get bigger and stronger. Are you going to wait until he injures your child?
You need to speak to your health visitor about safeguarding your children. (Your DSS needs intervention now, probably through the school). HV can advise about that.
You need legal and financial advice regarding your mortgage and property.
I doubt your partner will make much effort to see your children tbh. He needs to seek help to deal with his addiction. Poor DSS is obviously already damaged. Where is his mum in all this?

My ex wouldn't have ds overnight because he refused to change nappies or deal with potties, so the issue didn't come up until ds was at school.

To extend this as long as possible, I let ex come and see ds in my sitting room while I went out or mowed the lawn or painted a bedroom ceiling. That saved ex having to drive both ways twice which he preferred, and, since he was driving, he couldn't drink. I hate having ex in my house but I'll tolerate it for a few hours if it means ds doesn't have to go and stay there.

DS stayed overnight at his df's from about age 8 but only two or three times a year, and would come home saying Daddy had a drink, and making a face. Now ds is 16yo I have offered him a glass of cider or wine when we are out to dinner and he won't touch it.

I'm not sure how I'd deal with an aggressive half-sibling.

Not the same thing but DS was bitten by ex's new puppy, and delivered back to me with such a badly infected hand that we spent one NYE in A&E. Ex hadn't bothered to get ds medical help or even wash the bite. The hospital reported it to the police (where we live, dog bites to children are automatically notifiable) so I was then able to tell ex that if it happened a second time, the police would support me in getting a court order to have the dog PTS. After that, ds didn't visit ex's home for a year.

It's so difficult when your ex has no clue how to care appropriately for a child and is totally irresponsible.

I'd be getting my kids away from that 12 year old for a start. 'Oh he wasn't going to hurt me, he uses threats of violence to control others'. Oh so just a standard little sociopath then. Like, wtf did I just read. A 12 year old squaring up to you and his dad is angry at you for shouting at him!?

He's 12, he can't be doing that. Ever.
If his dad allows it then you need to end the relationship.

As for custody. It sounds like he's a useless sort who won't want the responsibility of looking after young children much anyway. Even if he pretends to want joint custody, I doubt he'll stick to it in practice.

But the most important thing is to give the kids one home that feels totally safe for them. Then no matter how tough it is with dad at least they know they have a nice home waiting for them, a safe space.

They wee their mum eow and every Tuesday evening. There are always issues after they have been to see their mum and this is where it started tonight. We have a protection order on our home due to threats and attempted attacks at our door from her. DSKs have been through it with her, hence why I have tried my best to support them until now and DSS12 did seem to be getting better in lots of ways, he was becoming less aggressive (although it would still happen sometimes) and I thought we were going in the right direction but tonight has shown me otherwise. He needs help and we have spoken to the school about it but he refuses to engage with anything they try to do with him because he worries about what other kids will think if he is taken out of class (we have tried to suggest other ways but he point blank refuses).

I'm definitely not going to wait until he injures my child. Even if he wasn't going to hurt them, I don't want them growing up seeing the threat of violence being used like that.

Having seen how my partner is with my SKs and was before they came to live with us, I know that he will make an effort. I know he won't want joint custody due to his job though thankfully. He will want to see them though (which I wouldn't stop) but will want them overnight (which I will fight until he gets help with and over his drinking issues).

The thing is his dad wasn't actually there, he was on the phone on a video call to DSS7 when it happened. He heard the shouting and I took the little ones into their room so he has then spoken to DSSs and got their version which made him angry. He's then spoken to my mum who was there to find out what happened from her and she said that it's hard for me being there myself and dealing with all his baggage. DP has then gotten really angry at my mum saying she called his sons 'baggage'. She said she didn't mean the kids but meant dealing with all the toxicity and issues that he should be dealing with, but he's away working so it's left to me to deal with.

DP doesn't accept the behaviour when he's here and sees it, but when he's not then he seems to automatically jump to DSS's defense. He really struggles with him as well, but he seems to forget that when I'm struggling with him.

He is very hands on as a dad when he's around, so I know he will want to see DDs regularly, however he works long hours and works away a lot so I know he won't want shared custody. With the drinking though I'm worried about him having them overnight at all. We live far from all my family and friends as well so I would likely move back there and can see myself ending up in a similar position to the previous poster who has her ex coming to her house just so he's not got them alone overnight.

Tbh, I think having him visit without DSS is probably the safest option under the present circumstances.
Your first priority should be protecting your children.
Your DP needs a wake up call to protect all his DC and deal with his addiction.
Alcoholics cannot be good parents.
If you move near your parents you will have support.
The longer you leave it the worse it will get and the more damage will be done.

You're right on all these fronts.

I do believe he could be a good parent though, but not while he's drinking and I don't just mean in the moment of actually drinking but while he's drinking at all because even when he's not had a drink, I know that when someone drinks like that it will be affecting his moods and behaviour. Since I realised his issues with drinking I've been praying he would sort himself out, but I need to leave because I know how great he can be. But the reality is that he's not being that person and I don't know if he ever will be again and I need to protect my DDs. I feel bad for DSS7 in it all.

I wonder if some counselling for you and your DP would help, in regards to getting on the same page re discipline of DSS. The one thing I hear alot is how difficult it is during the teen years with step children and most times the conflict comes from different parenting styles. Couples break up and I hear others who don't want to commit in relationships and have to deal with step kids. Also if DSS12 is not seeing someone he really needs to. The school should be able to help with a counsellor. My son went through an aggressive period after my ex and I split. He really benefited from a grief program through school because kids don't process grief and emotion like we do. I think typically boys act out when something bothers them instead of saying what's wrong. Splitting up doesn't always fix things and tbh I think my son really suffered from it, having to go his father's and the new woman and having new rules and expectations and upheaval. Really see if you can fix this first, if it's unfixable then start thinking what next. Good luck.

I have asked DP for counselling, he said no for ages and then said he would and that he would look into it (this was also for the drinking) but that was over a month ago and he still hasn't done anything about it.
DSS has also been offered counselling and refused it, both in and outside of school.

I get where you're coming from and I have genuinely done so much to try to keep our family together because I didn't want us to split, I didn't want time without my daughters and they adore their dad and I love seeing them together and I wanted to be a part of that. But whilst we have been going through so much shit thrown at us, he has avoided dealing with any of his own emotions around it by drinking every night. And whilst I have really tried to be supportive of DSS, there comes a point where I need to focus on my own children and making sure that they are safe and happy. My 2 year old was distraught tonight. She shouldn't have to see that and I don't want her to think she should ever accept someone behaving like that. It's not just aggression because with her he doesn't tend to be aggressive, but he constantly puts her down and says negative things about her to her. I'm not having her or my other daughter grow up thinking that it's acceptable for men to behave like that because they have grown up seeing their big brother behave that way.

If you have majority custody of DSS and your DP works away, what will happen if you split? It sounds like he's managed to get you as childcare so he can continue his life as normal.

DSS definitely needs support and his dad needs to be enforcing this. He's 12 and will be getting bigger and it takes a second from it going from threats to action.

My ex was a drinker too, hence the split. Unfortunately he moved on with someone who threw big parties on the weekend and my son was in the midst of this and I had no way to protect him from it. My ex has split from this woman and despite having his spleen removed he still drinks They have to want to stop and see the need to and he doesn't. Perhaps see a counsellor for yourself if he won't go, they might be able to support you through the best steps to leaving if nothing else. Good luck.

Somebody has to break this cycle. I think it has to be you OP.