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Original poster

Irrational jealousy? Should I apologise?

48 replies

Cherrymonkey · 20/02/2024 22:09

I'm in the process of separating from ex DH after a marriage of over 20 years. I'd been planning to spend time on my own to heal and work on myself but as it happens around 6 months ago I met a man online (I'll call him K), through a hobby group. He lives abroad.

I felt such chemistry with him and we get on really well. He is 50 and has only had around 3 girlfriends in the past, each for a year or so.

He is a really friendly, charismatic guy. He and I have not said we are in any sort of relationship, but we have been meeting up online approx every fortnight for a chat, in addition to meeting with the whole group. I feel as though I really like him and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual.

A few weeks ago, one of the other group members happened to mention to me that K had bumped into a woman where he lived and thought she was really attractive and with amazing energy, and he felt like he was buzzing after having a chat with her. When I heard this, I felt really jealous. K emailed me, our usual friendly chat, and I didn't email him back for a week, whereas I would normally reply on the same day. I really regret this, but I was feeling very hurt. I then sent him a friendly email as usual a week later.

However, he picked up that there was something wrong, and realised that his friend had told me about the woman. He is now being a bit off with me and has said that he feels I'm getting too attached to him and it's pushing him away. He says he wants to be free to be who he is. He says that he doesn't like having a contract or labelling a relationship and prefers just to see how things flow.

He seems a bit annoyed about all this, but the problem is, we have not clarified anything - I feel insecure as I don't know if we are heading towards a relationship or what. I know I can get irrationally jealous, I think I have an anxious attachment style. But the problem is that this sort of non relationship is bringing out the worst in me as I don't know where I stand.

I don't know whether or not to apologise for ignoring his email for a week, and explain that I feel insecure about the situation. Or maybe that's too heavy?

Basically I know I have a lot to work on on myself, and to be honest I feel I need time on my own. But I do really like K and if it all ends with him, I would just want to do the right thing and apologise if necessary.

Sorry if this all seems a bit petty - it probably is, and I am overthinking it all, but I am feeling anxious about it!

OP posts:
Anotherparkingthread · 20/02/2024 22:19

He wants to have his cake and eat it. He has only been in 3 relationships each for about a year, he's not into commitment. Most men that age have had at least one meaningful relationship that survived past the honeymoon phase. Honestly I'd just drop him. He enjoys the flirting, keeping his options open etc and that's fine, lots of people live that way. But it's unfair of him to string you along and yes made it clear he 'doesn't like labels' which means he is saying you will never be his girlfriend/partner/wife etc. I'd leave him to it tbh, he can't offer you what you need and as your reaction proved it is hurtful for you. You can let things fizzle out , stop emailing and meeting up but still smile and say hello at your group. No need to make it a big thing just silently move on.

solice84 · 20/02/2024 22:25

Did you actually give him any indication that something was wrong and that his suspicions were right?
If not I'd tell him to get the hell over himself and that you'd just happened to have been particularly busy for a week
Then I'd cut him off as he does not sound like the kind of man to get involved with

Wooloohooloo · 20/02/2024 22:29

You haven't even met him and he lives abroad. This isn't a relationship and you're far too emotionally invested for someone you haven't even met in person. What future could it ever have?

Original poster
Cherrymonkey · 20/02/2024 22:32

@Anotherparkingthread thanks, yes I think he does enjoy the flirting and keeping his options open. Re stringing me along, I get the feeling that he has genuinely thought that I was just enjoying spending time with him, no strings attached, but I guess I've been thinking about it leading to something more.

OP posts:
DifferentAlgebra · 20/02/2024 22:33

Wooloohooloo · 20/02/2024 22:29

You haven't even met him and he lives abroad. This isn't a relationship and you're far too emotionally invested for someone you haven't even met in person. What future could it ever have?

This. OP, your original plan about not dating for a while was the right one. You’re not in any way ready.

Original poster
Cherrymonkey · 20/02/2024 22:36

@solice84 he brought it up, saying he knew his friend had mentioned the other woman and then went on to say all the stuff about him not wanting labels and seeing how things flow. I just nodded along so I guess it was obvious that I wasn't denying that I'd felt hurt about it. But I like your suggestion about telling him to get the hell over himself, I wish I'd thought of that at the time!

OP posts:
Josette77 · 20/02/2024 22:38

You are not in a relationship. You have never even met this man.

Dust yourself off and move on.

Do not date anytime soon !

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2024 22:41

There is no authentic relationship. You don't even know this man. Based on everything you have revealed about yourself, the last fucking thing you should ever do is have "relationships" with online strangers. Get off social media and work on yourself.

Original poster
Cherrymonkey · 20/02/2024 22:43

@Wooloohooloo @DifferentAlgebra yes I totally agree. The thing was, it wasn't a dating site or anything, I genuinely wasn't looking to meet anyone. But I think the problem has been that K is so warm and friendly, whereas my ex DH was so cold and dismissive of me, that I was immediately attracted to him. I think I have felt desperate for affection and he has given it to me, but as time goes on, I realise that he is not relationship material, but I now do feel a bit attached to him. And yes, I know I haven't even met him and he lives abroad - I think I've been in some sort of limerant bubble!😫

OP posts:
DifferentAlgebra · 20/02/2024 22:43

Anotherparkingthread · 20/02/2024 22:19

He wants to have his cake and eat it. He has only been in 3 relationships each for about a year, he's not into commitment. Most men that age have had at least one meaningful relationship that survived past the honeymoon phase. Honestly I'd just drop him. He enjoys the flirting, keeping his options open etc and that's fine, lots of people live that way. But it's unfair of him to string you along and yes made it clear he 'doesn't like labels' which means he is saying you will never be his girlfriend/partner/wife etc. I'd leave him to it tbh, he can't offer you what you need and as your reaction proved it is hurtful for you. You can let things fizzle out , stop emailing and meeting up but still smile and say hello at your group. No need to make it a big thing just silently move on.

Edited

I don’t see how he can possibly be considered to have been ‘stringing the OP along’ when they’ve never met, he lives in another country, and their interaction has been limited to fortnightly online ‘meetings’? ‘Not liking labels’ is surely just an acknowledgement that there’s no realistic possibility this could ever turn into a relationship!

DifferentAlgebra · 20/02/2024 22:44

Cherrymonkey · 20/02/2024 22:43

@Wooloohooloo @DifferentAlgebra yes I totally agree. The thing was, it wasn't a dating site or anything, I genuinely wasn't looking to meet anyone. But I think the problem has been that K is so warm and friendly, whereas my ex DH was so cold and dismissive of me, that I was immediately attracted to him. I think I have felt desperate for affection and he has given it to me, but as time goes on, I realise that he is not relationship material, but I now do feel a bit attached to him. And yes, I know I haven't even met him and he lives abroad - I think I've been in some sort of limerant bubble!😫

Oh, look, OP, it happens. Maybe an important reminder from your libido that it’s still there, and that there’s a future for you beyond your marriage!

Wooloohooloo · 20/02/2024 22:45

OP you don't know him at all. The way someone presents themselves over the internet and messaging is an extremely limited snapshot and could be completely fake. It's easy to get lulled into a false sense of security over messaging but this man is a stranger.

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 20/02/2024 22:46

solice84 · 20/02/2024 22:25

Did you actually give him any indication that something was wrong and that his suspicions were right?
If not I'd tell him to get the hell over himself and that you'd just happened to have been particularly busy for a week
Then I'd cut him off as he does not sound like the kind of man to get involved with

But he’s completely right about what happened so OP would be gaslighting him if she did this which is abusive behaviour.

Wooloohooloo · 20/02/2024 22:46

And I'm not saying this to be critical but you need to be very careful of online men abroad and protect yourself. Some have very devious motives.

Original poster
Cherrymonkey · 20/02/2024 22:52

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling really embarrassed now though - does it sound like I've been way over the top with feeling jealous about this other woman? I know that K liked me, I don't imagine these things normally, but maybe he likes/flirts with everyone. Shall I apologise to him for ignoring his message for a week or just leave it and not arrange to meet up online with him again?

OP posts:
Wooloohooloo · 20/02/2024 22:53

Just leave it now and focus on yourself and getting to a place where you can build healthy connections with men in real life.

Channellingsophistication · 20/02/2024 22:55

I’d just leave it and let things fizz out. It doesn’t sound like you are ready for a relationship yet as you are too keen on someone you havent even met.

Take your time to heal after your marriage as its a lot to process.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 20/02/2024 23:00

One man + avoidant attachment style + no real history of real relationships, already pulling back.

And....

One woman + grieving the recent loss of her long marriage + anxious attachment style, already getting attached to this guy.

It's a recipe for disaster. Sorry OP.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 20/02/2024 23:03

Cherrymonkey · 20/02/2024 22:52

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling really embarrassed now though - does it sound like I've been way over the top with feeling jealous about this other woman? I know that K liked me, I don't imagine these things normally, but maybe he likes/flirts with everyone. Shall I apologise to him for ignoring his message for a week or just leave it and not arrange to meet up online with him again?

You're entitled to feel what you feel.

In a way you've done him a favour. He can continue to feel that he is surrounded by women who want to possess him and are jealous every time he tries to be free.

That way he can avoid ever having to know anything at all about his own neediness and the pain and risks of loving someone - other people are always the needy ones and he is blissfully independent.

SaveMeTheLabelOfThatPerfumeOnTheTable · 21/02/2024 00:30

OP, you're not 'spending time' with him, you're 'killing time' with him.

He's a distraction for you. That is all. Your brains way of reminding you that that part of your life isn't over in a safe way.

You've never met him. This isn't a burgeoning relationship. It's no different to people posting on MN for a bit of company. Your brain is protecting you by developing a connection either someone unobtainable.

It was helping you to process and cope with your current situation but you'd have grown tired of it eventually when it no longer served its purpose.

In reality, of course he is going to favour a woman in his home yoen over a woman in different country who he's never met and has no plans to meet.

Leave it now. Work on yourself. Take this as proof that you're still capable of developing feelings for someone and eventually the chances are you'll meet someone in real life.

BlueGrey1 · 21/02/2024 00:40

@Wooloohooloo

You haven't even met him and he lives abroad. This isn't a relationship and you're far too emotionally invested for someone you haven't even met in person. What future could it ever have?

exactly this, move on and find someone closer to home, how will you ever really know what he is up to

How did you envisage this ‘relationship’ panning out?

Grendell · 21/02/2024 01:00

He's right, you are too attached to him.

Probably an anxious attachment type should not attempt a long distance relationship just in general.

Since you are attached to him and you need to let go, you might discontinue the online chats to expedite that process.

Allthewallsarewhite · 21/02/2024 07:10

I think this is one of those classic examples where the guy has told you exactly who he is and where you stand but you're just not willing to hear it. Thinking that if he falls in love with you he will change and suddenly be into commitment. That hope you are clinging on to us why you feel like you don't know where you stand even though he has quite explicitly told you.
He is not going to change and not going to commit. Believe him. Chat to him as a friend if you want, but let any hope about this ever becoming any more than that go. It's just going to hurt you and it's not what you need right now.
Wishing you all the best.

Tel12 · 21/02/2024 07:16

Leave it. He's really not given the email another thought and it looks like an excuse to contact him. Get out with your dignity intact.

OneMerryRedSnail · 21/02/2024 07:26

"He is now being a bit off with me and has said that he feels I'm getting too attached to him and it's pushing him away. "

That sounds pretty arrogant TBF.

And, he trying to make it all your fault.

As others have suggested let this one go.