Irrational jealousy? Should I apologise?

[Cherrymonkey]

I'm in the process of separating from ex DH after a marriage of over 20 years. I'd been planning to spend time on my own to heal and work on myself but as it happens around 6 months ago I met a man online (I'll call him K), through a hobby group. He lives abroad.

I felt such chemistry with him and we get on really well. He is 50 and has only had around 3 girlfriends in the past, each for a year or so.

He is a really friendly, charismatic guy. He and I have not said we are in any sort of relationship, but we have been meeting up online approx every fortnight for a chat, in addition to meeting with the whole group. I feel as though I really like him and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual.

A few weeks ago, one of the other group members happened to mention to me that K had bumped into a woman where he lived and thought she was really attractive and with amazing energy, and he felt like he was buzzing after having a chat with her. When I heard this, I felt really jealous. K emailed me, our usual friendly chat, and I didn't email him back for a week, whereas I would normally reply on the same day. I really regret this, but I was feeling very hurt. I then sent him a friendly email as usual a week later.

However, he picked up that there was something wrong, and realised that his friend had told me about the woman. He is now being a bit off with me and has said that he feels I'm getting too attached to him and it's pushing him away. He says he wants to be free to be who he is. He says that he doesn't like having a contract or labelling a relationship and prefers just to see how things flow.

He seems a bit annoyed about all this, but the problem is, we have not clarified anything - I feel insecure as I don't know if we are heading towards a relationship or what. I know I can get irrationally jealous, I think I have an anxious attachment style. But the problem is that this sort of non relationship is bringing out the worst in me as I don't know where I stand.

I don't know whether or not to apologise for ignoring his email for a week, and explain that I feel insecure about the situation. Or maybe that's too heavy?

Basically I know I have a lot to work on on myself, and to be honest I feel I need time on my own. But I do really like K and if it all ends with him, I would just want to do the right thing and apologise if necessary.

Sorry if this all seems a bit petty - it probably is, and I am overthinking it all, but I am feeling anxious about it!

Move on! If he's annoyed about you being jealous (perfectly reasonably) then he's not the man for you and he's not that into you. Also his comments about the other woman suggest he is on the prowl for more women and keeping his eyes peeled for the next best thing. Ditch him he's not serious

bottomsup12

Of course he's not serious. They've never met, live in different countries with no plans to meet and are not in a relationship. Of course he's going to he open to meeting women who live in the same town as him.

They met up online once a fortnight for a chat and a bit of a flirt. That was all.

I'm amazed anyone thinks he's done anything wrong.

If I were chatting with someone online, had never met them, had no intention to meet them, wasn't in a relationship with them and the only commitment I had was meeting them once a fortnight online to chat and flirt a bit, people would be telling me I was crazy to consider it a relationship. And they'd be right!

The OP is in a vulnerable place right now which is why she has read more into it and why she feels it's more than it is.

That's all.

Thanks everyone, I feel better after reading your comments.

Looking back on the "non relationship"(!), I think even though he was clear about not liking contracts and labels, he also used to say things to me like he really enjoyed talking to me, he apparently told one of the other group members that I was his "ideal woman", he told me I could contact him any time, and I know I didn't imagine the chemistry we have.

But I think I was coming into this situation feeling a bit too open and vulnerable due to the ending of my marriage - I think if something like this happens another time I'll either be able to take it much more lightheartedly, or just have my boundaries in place and not let myself develop feelings as I know it wouldn't go anywhere. I think meeting up frequently for a zoom chat with a guy, where there is chemistry, attraction and things in common - maybe some people can do that without developing feelings, but I'm not sure I can, and I don't think I'll put myself in that position again unless I'm clear about the situation!

I don't think I'll contact him again for an individual chat and will just be friendly in the group meetings. Thanks again to everyone for helping me to clarify my thoughts!

@Cherrymonkey leave it. Don’t message him and apologise you’ll look way too invested. Having chats every fortnight doesn’t indicate that he liked you that way, just seems friendly on his part

You're still just separating from your DH, and this man who you haven't even met, lives abroad. It sounds like he loves attention, not commitment.

Step away from the situation and focus on healing from your marriage, and working on yourself.

OP you are far over invested in this. You don't know him in real life and are jealous of almost nothing. That is a huge red flag talking loud about your self steem.

I agree with PP that said that you need to take your time for yourself.

What a gossipy online group - into each other's business. And for 50 he sounds incredibly immature. Were you actually having 'cyber sex' in your into one online meets? I would just cut and run. Dodged a bullet

Well done for acknowledging you have an anxious attachment style. This online romance is absolutely the last thing you need right now. You have already acknowledged that yourself. It doesn't sound like it's working for either of you.

Get out and stay away from these online entanglements. It's just compulsive behaviour and a distraction from your real life. You need to move forward in your life. This is a step back.

@Cherrymonkey - you’re in a vulnerable place at the moment and that’s only to be expected coming out of a marriage breakdown.

Even if you were meeting him in person, you have to know that if a man reaches 50 without ever having had a long-term relationship, that’s because it suits him to stay footloose and fancy-free. That’s very unlikely to change for you or anyone else. Remember his charisma is not reserved for you - he’s using it on everyone. The crazy chemistry is because he’s got his moves down pat. Someone like this could be great for a fling but isn’t someone to pin your hopes on. Lesson learnt, OP: nothing to feel embarrassed about. Onwards and upwards!

That's great.

Tbh, you're notnthe only one who has been in this situation. The end of a marriage does funny things to people's heads.

Whenever I read on here about an abusive or long term relationship ending where th woman says, "And then I amazingly met someone wonderful 6 weeks later," I always think the same. Because you need tike to heal after the end of a relationship. Time to recalibrate; work out who you are; what you want and are looking for.

I learnt very early on that it was my brain's way of telling me both that I wasn't ready for another relationship and that I was also capable of still feeling those things and I was right. On both counts.

I think some posters on here who are trying to make him out as a 'bad guy' are just trying to be nice/say what you want to hear or haven't actually processed the details you've given.

When you are healed, you'll look back on this and wonder what on earth you were thinking because it will be so obvious down the line.

Oh and I've no doubt that he enjoys talking to you - of course you're great company! But in terms of you being his 'ideal woman' that's as superficial as baseless as you having these feelings towards him. Besides, men shout all sorts of bollocks. It's not based in reality is it? He doesn't know how untidy your bathroom is, your bad habits, what you look like on a Sunday morning when you've first woken up any more than you know those things about him.

Take care and good luck. You'll be fine.

You’re ripe for one of those ‘romance scam’ things.

You've not met him.

He's playing with you. Cut him loose.

I can see why this happened, your marriage had probably been dead in the water for a long while and he was a happy distraction and a reminder how much fun getting to know someone is.
I agree with a PP that he hasn't actually done anything wrong here so, while I wouldn't go all out and apologise to him, maybe acknowledging that yes, you did feel a bit meh about him meeting the other woman but have got over yourself and let's just hang out in the group might be the way to go.
I think the first "relationship" ending after a long, dead one ending can be worse than the end of the dead one.

Honestly i completely agree with this.

if someone I chatted to, flirted with, online twice a month, started sulking because I found someone else attractive I'd be seriously freaked out and actually would probably just block them.

I know, I do feel really embarrassed and ashamed of my behaviour. I didn't respond to his email for a week so I guess that was withdrawing or sulking but when I did get back to him I was my usual friendly self.

We did used to have quite in depth conversations, it wasn't all lighthearted, but in any case I know I took it all too seriously. I'm just not used to meeting up (online or otherwise) with a guy, flirting, having interesting talks - I didn't really do that with any guy when I was married, I've never really had any male friends.

So I think, as others have said, I need to focus on healing myself and understand what I want out of life and any potential relationship.

I think that’s it’s healthy how self aware you are and how you can self analyse and recognise your behaviour and the impact of it on yourself and your online friend.
I think if you take a step back, then the reality is that you have become attached to him and you are in love with the POTENTIAL of the friendship/relationship.
If you can start to view things from that perspective it may help a bit.
I wouldn’t over share or give away too much to him, as tempting as it is, you may come across overly intense and end up losing any form of connection with him depending on how solid the foundation of your friendship is.
I think that because of how emotionally invested you are, and your anticipation and expectation that he feels the same way, has led you to feel hurt and almost rejected when you’ve heard about him and this other woman.
Perhaps try your best to lower your expectations and perhaps turn the focus and energy that you’ve been putting into him, into yourself instead.
You’re going to go through a lot of emotions and you’re going to have to decide whether you’ll be able to maintain contact him, or at least such regular contact with him, throughout this time or whether you need to pull right back.
If things are meant to be on any which level then you’ll find your way back to each other at some point in time.
Be kind to yourself OP and don’t hold on to your embarrassment - acknowledge it and let it go, life’s too short and there are bigger and better things, and people, waiting for you out there.

All this

Your track record is a long and durable marriage; his (as far as you know 👀) is a series of short relationships, which at his age is not unique but not common. Don’t feel awkward or embarrassed about taking things more seriously than him, but take a step back to think about how you’ve developed this attachment, and whether you are in fact ready to have a new relationship.

He wants women in all the ports tbh. Attention seeking egomaniac.
These will always have their heads turned by other women. Get rid..hes a player and rude to boot. Wants his cake and eat it xx

This one is easy peasy OP.
You are not in a relationship.
You neither need one.
Just stop the 1-to-1 contact and go for staying on your own for a while.
This guy is not bringing anything good into your life. You believed so, because a close friendship, but it is pulling at strings you have not healed. Also, it is nothing. Only a friendship. You are putting too much of you into it. Instead of putting it into you.

If it is all based online, it's a bit weird that the random friend from the group randomly mentioned that to you K saw some woman and knew a lot about that meeting, told this to you, and then K somehow figured out that the friend told you about this...
It sounds like a big setup. He asked the friend to mention the woman to you to see your reaction, and knew fully well that you'd be upset- he probably wanted to see your reaction to boost his ego.
Bin. You have nothing to regret.

Don't feel embarrassed. Many of us have been emotionally vulnerable and ended up in less than ideal situations. Be kind to yourself.