It’s over

[Andjustlikethat73]

We’ve separated. We’ve agreed to sell the house & stay in separate rooms until that happens but there is no going back.

Massive arguments recently including one where he said he’d smash up the whole house if he wanted to. Then on Saturday he went mental because I’d washed the floors and then he walked accross with wet shoes from the rain & I said it was making the floor dirty. He proceeded to tell me he’d not loved me for a year, that I was lazy & work shy because I work 4 days, that the things I’m trying to do to try and create a side hustle were pathetic & vacuous . That I was ridiculous for not wanting to walk to a restaurant nearby for our valentines meal in the rain & I was wearing heals.

lately he’s been so cold and dismissive & recently told me I had terrible diction because he didn’t hear what I said but when I brought this up he denied, which happens often so I said he was gaslighting me & he’s now saying I’m in the wrong for accusing him of being abusive.

what a mess. I can’t afford to live elsewhere so that isn’t an option.

I want it to be over. I’m devastated but also I know I can’t live this way. He just can’t see how his behaviour is unacceptable.

I haven’t told anyone yet as I need a few days to get my head round it. I’m not looking for advice just needed to ‘talk’ to someone.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Are you married? Kids? If not things will be simpler. Can you get away for a break from the house for a bit?

We’re married, no kids. I have grown up children from a previous relationship but they don’t live with us. I don’t want to leave because I have lot going on work wise (despite being lazy 🙄).. Plus I have no where to go, I can’t afford to rent & pay my share of the mortgage. Ill probably spend the odd weekend at a friends but not yet.

Make loads of plans with friends and family to give you something to look forward to. Eat healthy as your appetite will probably fall off a cliff. Keep really busy and maybe start packing / sorting out your stuff.
If you can see a future with him where you're not miserable you're definitely doing the right thing. This time next year things will be so different - probably a lot better for you

If you cant see a future with him where you're not miserable i mean x

At the moment I can but I’m hurt & blindsided by his cruelty. Perhaps it hasn’t hit home yet but I do feel sure I can’t do this again x

What else is going on with him? He sounds angry and resentful

Stressful job & final year of masters. I try really hard to support all of this. I leave him be when he’s studying, I do all the cooking & pretty much all of the cleaning. I’m certainly not perfect but I try harder than he does

Sounds like he's having at least an emotional affair and you're really getting in the way of it with your pesky existence.
What he's doing is unforgivable co graduations for being free of this cretin

There no affair emotional or otherwise. Not all relationships end because of affairs. We just don’t like one another anymore. He doesn’t respect me & I’ve lost all respect for him.

Is he a big drinker?

No, but he was drunk when the argument happened. We went out and I I knew things were already tense. I drank less as I didn’t want to drink argue, he went all in and had far more than me. I tired to say don’t drink too much as you have to study tomorrow but he ignored me

Take the bull by the horns and see a solicitor at your very first opportunity.

Came on here to write an almost identical post. It's heartbreaking knowing you want things to work and be different but the person they have become won't allow that.
We have 3 young children and I feel broken at the thought of our family not working out. But sometimes you just know it's the only option. Good luck x

Im so sorry. Having young children makes it so much harder. I agree is so awful to want things to just be good but no matter what you do it just doesn’t work. Have you tried counselling? We have in the past but he just doesn’t engage and after 2 sessions he refuses to do anymore.

As we need to live together for the next few months I don’t see how that will help. We both own the house so not sure how a solicitor at this stage will help? ( except for earning them loads of cash)!

Best of luck to you too. I hope you have family/friends for support x

If you're ending your marriage I really don't understand why you wouldn't get guidance from a solicitor as soon as possible. You need to be sure you're going about things properly to best protect yourself and your assets.

You need a solicitor.

And it sounds like he's met someone.

There is annoyance and stress with life, but it looks like he's purposely engineering arguments and pushing you to end the relationship.

That sounds very stressful, sorry you’re going through it. Have you got 1 or 2 good friends you can go out with and do nice things with ?

ps I wouldn’t see a solicitor either but appreciate everyone is different. I think the way through these things is to take as much heat of the situation out as you can, either through mediation, time apart, individual therapy for you, maybe a holiday - take space on your own, couple Counselling if you can manage a few sessions

Solicitors put you into fight mode and just cost money. If the relationship is genuinely over for both of you, there’s no reason why it should turn nasty. You both have the opportunity to move forward & be happier either on your own or with different people it’s hard to see right now but it will get better.

Sorry, but you're being very naive. The gloves are already off, at least for op's husband. He is being nasty, hateful, and abusive. I highly, highly doubt he is going to improve. He is gunning for it, and the op can't afford to just sit on her hands and let him steamroll over her. Knowledge is power. She needs proper legal advice.

@Aquamarine1029

I think that was the husband turning up 😂

“the gloves are off”

yes and that’s how solicitors make money

but, what if you didn’t have to fight?

other ways are possible, they’re just hard and vulnerable

🥱

Of course other ways are possible but you still have to know where you stand. Not getting legal advice in the midst of a divorce and division of assets is just stupid. The only person the op can depend upon to advocate for her best interests is herself.

There are likely other assets to split apart from house. You need to protect your DC's inheritance on your side, he could just as easily come after your assets.