It’s over

[Andjustlikethat73]

We’ve separated. We’ve agreed to sell the house & stay in separate rooms until that happens but there is no going back.

Massive arguments recently including one where he said he’d smash up the whole house if he wanted to. Then on Saturday he went mental because I’d washed the floors and then he walked accross with wet shoes from the rain & I said it was making the floor dirty. He proceeded to tell me he’d not loved me for a year, that I was lazy & work shy because I work 4 days, that the things I’m trying to do to try and create a side hustle were pathetic & vacuous . That I was ridiculous for not wanting to walk to a restaurant nearby for our valentines meal in the rain & I was wearing heals.

lately he’s been so cold and dismissive & recently told me I had terrible diction because he didn’t hear what I said but when I brought this up he denied, which happens often so I said he was gaslighting me & he’s now saying I’m in the wrong for accusing him of being abusive.

what a mess. I can’t afford to live elsewhere so that isn’t an option.

I want it to be over. I’m devastated but also I know I can’t live this way. He just can’t see how his behaviour is unacceptable.

I haven’t told anyone yet as I need a few days to get my head round it. I’m not looking for advice just needed to ‘talk’ to someone.

Thanks for all the advice. I will of course see a solicitor at some point, just not yet. Asset wise he has far more than me & I won’t be going after any of it. I supported myself before him & I’ll do so after.

I'm going to tell a couple of friends this weekend and as you say plan things but I can’t take a holiday, we just had one at the end of Jan & just don’t have the annual leave.

Not that it matters but he’s perfectly calm now.

They say if you know its over, you know.
Do you know?

Honestly no I don’t. I know we can’t carry in as we have been but now I’m not so angry I don’t think I want to get divorced. I think he does though, he’s one of those people who makes a decision & that’s that.

An update

He moved out a week ago and says he’s coming back tomorrow. Said he needed space to reset.

He’s adamant that he wants to sell the house but doesn’t want a divorce & wants a non cohabitation marriage. Obviously I will never, ever agree to this & I’ve made it clear.

I think he’s either lost his mind with this idea or he doesn’t mean it and thinks by letting me down gently and making me think we have a chance I’ll go along work the house sale amicably. Although I have a said absolutely not to the idea.

Point blank refuse’s counselling.

What to do? What would you do?

I don't think there's a lot you can do @Andjustlikethat73. My stbxh sprung something similar on me a few months ago, although he was adamant he wanted a divorce. Like you, I really tried to support him through a stressful time at work, made his home life easy etc. I arranged couples counselling and did all I could to fight but it wasn't enough. He's now with someone 16 years younger than him that he manages at work.

Work on you. I hate the MN cliché, but get your ducks in a row. Figure out hat you want and go from there.

So sorry you're going through this x

@SoRainbowRhythms Thanks for your reply and I’m sorry to hear how things turned out. Shit isn’t it. It’s so frustrating because 80% of our relationship is good and I just wish he was willing to invest the to at least try to fix the other. He assures me there is no one else in the horizon & when I asked about seeing other people ( I of course have no intention of doing so), he said absolutely not we’re married!

I am going to work on myself and try to not try and convince him to change his mind. It just seems so pointless in doing this and I’m fairly certain we will both end up regretting it down the line.

@Andjustlikethat73 mine said that too... and everyone on here told me the opposite. Just hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Definitely save all your energy for yourself. I read a book called Runaway husbands that really helped me at the time when it was fresh and I was at my lowest. Drop me a PM if you ever need to talk x

I would agree with this and do it now.

Thanks, I’ve just brought that book.

How are you doing now? x

@Andjustlikethat73 very up and down but almost out of the panicky / spiralling / unable to think about anything else phase. He's being difficult about money which doesn't help!

Just take one day at a time - one hour at a time if you need to.

@SoRainbowRhythms glad you’re starting to feel a bit better. However, sorry he’s being a t*at about money. Do you have children?

I'm currently in permanent state of anxiety. I can’t quite believe this is happening and my heart is racing like mad. As you say one day (or hour), at a time!

@Andjustlikethat73 thankfully no children (he was even more vocal than me about being childfree by choice but changed his mind, nothing to do with the 25 year old of course).

Minute by minute if you have to! These very early stages are all about survival. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you WILL get though it. I'm only 11 weeks since the initial bomb drop and in a totally different place already. It's not easy, but it's slightly more manageable x

He's been absolutely unforgiveably hateful towards you. He's chosen to be like that rather than end your relationship in a civilised way. Have you had your house valued etc, and have you made your plan of what you will do next - where you can move to etc? Will you move in with relatives or can you get your own place straight away?

Gosh no I haven’t even had time to get my thoughts straight. However, I will not be moving out and unless things change nor will he, (when he returns that is), If this actually happens we will sale the house later this year and go our separate ways.

Ask yourself why he wouldn’t ask you for a divorce if he feels the way he is saying? I would imagine he has seen a solicitor already and he has been warned that you are likely to be entitled to half of the now shared assets. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if another relationship is revealed further down the line. So sorry that you are going through this.

I honestly have no idea. As I said perhaps it’s to get me to agree to sale the house and think we can somehow still stay together but I’ve been very clear this isn’t an option. Without going into detail we have almost a prenup as we’re older and had both been burnt before so it’s actually quite straightforward in terms of finances.

I don’t think there is anyone else, I have no idea where he would’ve found the time. But I could be wrong.