My ex's ex - am i really boring!!!

[LadybirdHere]

I shall preface this by saying my boyfriend is a lovely bloke but had a bit of a wilder past involving partying/drugs etc and his background. I am the absolute total opposite, i dont drink or have ever smoked. Im a parent and pretty solvent/stable. We have a good time together and i think on some minor level, he likes that im very stable as his family certainly arent.

But i cant get over the fact that I found out he used to date a very bohemian type and i unfortunately googled her and shes a real party person. No kids, pretty wild type, an actress so attractive too. They used to take recreational drugs together as did a couple of his exes. His comments were that they were a bit crazy. Im the first parent he has ever dated.

I just feel so boring in comparison - like a tired mum! Can someone shake sense into me. Who knows whether the relationship will last but i hate that i feel a bit shit about this. That i dont take drugs or drink or smoke, that i have a saggy mum tum and boobs.

I'd be more concerned about him and his potential, tbh. In contrast to the stable, dependable, sober men out there (people like you), what is HIS selling point?

that situation wouldnt bother me. You don't want to take drugs, you don't take drugs. It's not like it's a failing!!!

don't try and be ''wild'' just to not be boring. Being off your head could get old very very quickly i imagine.

I hope your boyfriend is trying to be on the same page as you. Not the other way around.

@Rec0veringAcademic he's basically gone the other way and is a bit like Gwyneth extolling healthy living etc. I like him because he's different to me. I'm not planning on getting married or anything. But there's a part of me that thinks he did lead such a wild life before that surely I'm too dull! I should add my vices are a bit less obvious than those above but I do have them.

Never understand why taking drugs is seen as being interesting. Ive never been sober and bumped into someone drunk or on drugs and thought wow what an interesting person that I’d like to spend more time with.

if you want to be ‘more interesting’ think about what you want to do. But don’t use ‘bohemian’ and ‘drugs’ as the markers of interesting.
ultimately, you are who you are and that’s who he has picked. Don’t take this as an opportunity to pick apart your own body as well.

She’s an ex for a reason.

It’s funny how we assume that people who take drugs are more fun and interesting. I suppose they are if you want to take drugs as you can enjoy it together.

but if you’re sober, anyone stoned, drunk or high is actually pretty boring.

I used to party a lot and take drugs, I stopped because it wasn’t good for me and I got bored of it. I would assume that If he’s chosen you for his GF he has decided that’s not the life he wants anymore.

The most boring people I've ever met are people for whom drugs and drinking are a major facet of their personality. Don't even worry about it.

This. You’re actually different and exciting in comparison. Be confident in who you are. That’s much more appealing than people drinking and taking drugs to be cool. You don’t need to do any of that.

My DH was like this as were his exs and we’ve now been together 10 years. He knew that his lifestyle and relationships weren’t healthy and that he needed to get out. Our life is in not boring but different to what he did before. The friends (and exs) who carried on this way are not in a good way now and he knew that was where it was going.

@Newsenmum I think that's it, I'm unconfident in that world because I havent experienced it. I grew up very happily in a stable home but was quite sheltered in terms of all of the above. My vice is probably a bit more of the kink scene but nothing else. Aside from that, I feel boring!

@Bkjahshue yes, several of his friends and acquaintances have died so maybe you are right. Maybe it's just me feeling inadequate because I'm feeling like a boring mum!

Well, at least you know not to take health advice from him. 😂 Seriously, though: you are showing him a world he has never lived in. A world where people think straight and don't act on impulse. Sounds quite wild compared to his old way of life!

You are fine the way you are. When I wad a teenager, some of my classmates used to go clubbing and get into all sorts of forbidden territory. I didn't. Sure I got the old "we know how to live" line from them.

Guess what? They are "boring" middle aged women now 🤣 living normal lives. Your bf probably wishes he'd stopped when he was young enough. Which is why he is with you now.

Just please don't be his mum / nurse, whatever you do. 😉

In comparison to Dh, I definitely lived a wild life before we met. He has actually met one of my exes (I’m friends with exes wife!), but I think he’d actually be a little bit appalled if he ever met any of my other exes. They are, let’s just say, very different to him and the sort of life we live together now. I think people grow up and change. Dh is actually probably a bit boring compared to some of the absolute losers I dated in the past. But it was that stability and dependability that I found so attractive. We’ve been very happily married for 15 years now and I do not look back the least bit wistfully on my old life or anyone in my past. Have a bit of faith about what you bring to the table!

@mindutopia thank you for this. I've just realised I don't have a lot of confidence in what I bring to the table here and that's definitely a self esteem thing. I picture this glamorous festival frequenting lifestyle, big drinking, drug taking, partying type life where everyone is talking about art/music. They are early 50s. Whereas my life revolves a lot around my kids who are young so although I love them dearly, there isn't much time to do much else. And when i do have time, its just seeing friends for dinner or the odd exhibition. My friends also have their own priorities so I can't see them every week either.

@LadybirdHere , I can honestly say that at the grand old age of 50 , one of the most boring people I have ever met , was a guy at uni whose sole topic of conversation was his drug consumption, you aren’t boring !

The key thing here is to be confident in who you are and what your lifestyle is. He obviously wants a change in lifestyle. If you are going out apologising for being boring and questioning the way you live and imagining a druggie lifestyle is cool, you will come across as less appealing for sure. If you are confident in your happy life and your settled and sorted lifestyle this will be appealing and the sort of thing he's clearly aspiring to. Stop selling yourself short. You're the one who in the stronger position.

Taking drugs doesn't make someone interesting.

I was also the 'wilder' one in the past between my partner and me. No drugs but I definitely had a more 'bohemian' lifestyle

That's not to say he didn't have his fair share of fun but his life was a lot more 'stable' than mine.

I don't consider him boring at all. Quite the opposite in fact. I wouldn't want to date the sort of man now that I dated in my 20s. I wouldn't want those sorts of relationships. I wouldn't want that sort of life because it wasn't rooted in a great place if I'm honest.

If dating a wild, bohemian type ws important to him now, that's who he'd be with. And he's not. You say he's embraced a healthier lifestyle now. You're part of that. He wouldn't be with you if he was really itching for his old life and you'd know about it if he actually were.

I lived in quite a 'wild' druggie house share in Brighton during my uni years, clubbing multiple times a week, festivals all summer, tried it myself very briefly but backed off very quickly as it wasn't for me.

I've never met a more boring, lazy, unmotivated, mentally unwell lot. It isn't glamorous. Our of about 20 people.

Only two got decent degrees and twice as many failed out entirely. They would sit around all smoking taking about where they were getting their next high, next festival and how they had the munchies all the time. Half of them were masking serious depression or self esteem issues with the drugs, trying to make themselves happy and fun.

90 percent of them lived chaotic disorganised lives and even now 20 years later still live for the festival scenes and druggy weekends, even the ones that are now successful.

I came away with the message that drugs are a HUGE waste of money and energy and clubbing/festivals is fine occasionally but shouldn't be the focus of your life.

I'm 'boring' too. I lived like that for about 2 weeks and I've never missed it. I craft, I'm an artist, I'm a great cook, run my own business, enjoy decorating my house and hugging my children.

That wild glamorous life style is a 2D image, a fiction. Like an amazing Facebook picture, there were 50 taken before hand that were awful but only the nice one was shown.

Some men will date a particular type, then marry a different type. Maybe you're the "wife material" type.

(I'm not saying it's right, just that it happens).

@IsthisthereallifeIsthisjustfantasy ha! No I'm not a wife but at the same time, he's not a husband! I think im just the steady one when life is volatile plus they know my kids come first. But hard not to worry that one is boring when you are doing kids stuff etc, batch cooking or working.

@Luckydog7 I've dated a couple of men who took drugs in a former life. Its interesting to me as not my world but those who do it a lot, do seem to have a lot of issues. My partner had several friends who died through drug taking through the years.

This in absolute fucking spades.

Pretty much exactly what I experienced.

Don't worry about it, OP.

Thanks all, I'm trying to build my confidence up. It's definitely not me wanting to take drugs, it's just he led such a hedonistic life before when younger. He did date someone for ages who was also clean living but after they split, it went a bit hedonistic again. I'm possibly the most stable person ever but I sometimes just worry if that's dull.

@LadybirdHere if you take step back, there is a big reason why a lot of people don't take drugs and that's not the illegality or health risks, they are just not interested.

This kind of lifestyle is only fun when you're into it, while a lot of other people find it pretty damn boring. If you're a sober person at drunk party you will get bored out of your mind pretty soon, there is only so many times when someone losing their balance can make you laugh