Struggling to cope with husbands constant negativity

[DexterDowner]

We have been married nearly 20 years, we have children and I am seriously struggling to cope with my husband’s constant negativity and gloomy outlook in life. I’m close to divorce. Am I being unfair?

He suffers from mental health issues. He sees a psychologist. He had for years and years. He had not improved. I’ve done all the things you are supposed to when your loved one is depressed and supported them, made allowances, let things slide when days / events are ruined, gave them ample time they need for themselves, tried to be understanding, supportive, encouraging, forgiving….

but I am absolutely f*ing sick of it now. It’s exhausting! It’s draining the life and soul out of each and every day, each and every moment, the kids are affected by it, we all are! Years of putting up with this has really taken its toll and I’ve noticed how isolated it’s made us. He’s spoiled family events, weddings, work opportunities, relationships with friends.

We don’t have friends who come round, family keep their distance, the kids don’t bring friends round, we rarely do anything and if we do - we are all walking on eggshells. He’s just so depressing it leeches the fun out of everything and it’s been this way for the best part of ten years. I’m starting to feel utterly depressed myself!

I do not enjoy spending time with him, it really is a huge chore as I have to deal with the constant doom and gloom, trying to manage his moods, “just be a good wife and understand” - but it’s became abundantly clear, he’s affecting all of us in a really bad way.

In all honesty, he’s quite comfortable being Victor Meldrew and seems to relish being Mr Negative, but I am the TOTAL opposite and it’s so clear now that he’s been pulling me under water for so long and I’m exhausted because I’ve just been trying to stay afloat.

I know he has a mental illness and I know I am supposed to support him in sickness and in health, but at what cost? Do I really sacrifice the happiness of me and my children because he’s mentally unwell?

We rarely spend time together and when we do, I’m not enjoying myself. It’s whinge after whinge, complaining about the price of things and complaining about anything he possibly can. It’s actually embarrassing going out in public with him as he’s so rude and all he thinks about is himself. If I ever mention his moods, it’s my fault for saying he’s in a mood and now he is in a mood. He never recognises his destructive behaviours.

Today I snapped, I’ve been ill for the past few weeks and decided to go to the shop and get something nice for lunch, he came with me which I was disappointed with, it’s easier to go alone. He was so passive aggressive about everything. The price, why do we need that, oh you are getting more stuff?, I don’t want lunch anyway, it will just be you eating, it will go to waste, do you need all that? sighing and grumbling…. I just about turned and went to the car. I literally couldn’t stand it any longer and had lost all interest in something nice for lunch and the guilt that comes with it. I told him it’s absolutely exhausting dealing with his constant negativity and controlling behaviour.

We have came home and returned to our separate lives in the same house. He won’t apologise for being a moan and ruining what could have been a nice afternoon. He won’t even bring it up. I feel completely unseen. He seems to relish wallowing in his own self pity.

I’m seriously considering divorce. I’m spent. I’ve gave everything I have and I feel like I’ve had nothing in return. He never cares how I feel. I’ve always made excuses for him. Always tried to understand and support. My poor kids need to be able to enjoy life again. How did I manage almost 20 years of this?

What would you do?

You deserve more, divorce him and let him wallow alone.

I absolutely couldn't put up with this . You've done well to last 20 yrs so don't spoil the next 20. You and your children deserve happiness .

Depression does not make you behave like that.
It's personality.
People don't change personality
Just end it now. He's had long enough to work on himself.

It’ll drain the life out of you.

“just be a good wife and understand” - and this would incite rage I’m afraid. I’d be a good wife and divorce him!

I think that his response says it all really.

I think this is the month that you book an appointment with a solicitor, find all the relevant documents you need and can lay your hands on so you know how to move forward. This isn't just destroying you but your children and they come first. He isn't fighting for your marriage he believes you will never leave so does not have to amend his behaviour in any way.

Divorce him, you will all be so much happier.

genuinely, he wouldn’t mind that and I have went away on several holidays/breaks without him.

He does his fair share of the child care and housework, so I have to be fair to him that he does pull his weight in that regard

I doubt he'll make it easy for you @DexterDowner . I'd advise getting together any paperwork you need before he can get his hands on it.

Good luck to you

Same with mine actually. I think we are married to the same man! I made a rule recently that no-one could come on holiday unless they were cheerful and positive 🤣 no way I'm wasting money on bringing moaning bastards. And I'm the high earner so often he's made an excuse and not come.

Hey doppelgänger! That’s quite creepy…I’d love to know how we ended up this way?!

That rule sounds ideal! Could save a lot of money leaving some moaners behind hahahaha

He's been to see a psychologist, but does his behaviour actually bother him?

Some people like being that way. It's a fundamental part of their identity, personality, and even if you offered them a magic wand that would make them feel more comfortable with life generally, happier, they still wouldn't take it. Are you sure it's negativity alone, and not anxiety mixed with constant criticism?

Some of them take a sort of narcissistic price in being 'The Grumpy One' because it allows them to feel superior over their other people.

There was an article in the Guardian recently that showed that people like you end up worse off. Your positive mood doesn't really prop up the other person that much, despite all your hard work and emotional labour. Instead, regular partners of depressed, neurotic or negative people are more likely to become more that way themselves, as they're dragged down in the same direction.

In your shoes I just wouldn't want to let him come with me anywhere.

You are a queen OP and this guy is a joker, sucking the life out of you.

Well done for confronting him, that can't have been easy and his reply was something else. Miserable twat.

You know what to do... patio the bastard and start living your best life 👑

I think you deserve an award putting up with it for that long. It's not his mental health, it's just that he's a miserable bastard. And he's used it as a weapon to control you for far too long. He won't change or improve because he can't.

Live your life and leave him to his own misery.

My DH was similar to this, I wrote a post similar to this last year. I got lots of good advice on here and we went for marriage counselling.

It’s been a game changer for us, I was ready to leave. It made me realise the part I was playing (I’m overly sensitive really and need to constantly be ‘doing’, I also brought crap from my childhood).

DH opened up properly and he’s genuinely changing, he’s more positive, taking responsibility for his behaviour, booking days out, making an effort with me romantically.

I really do recommend counselling first, I was sceptical it would work. Find a good one though, ours is incredible. We used one a few years ago who was shit and very much ‘and how does that make you feel?’. Useless.

Op, sounds like he likes his cave of negativity. Leave him there. I'm glad you have told him as much. Life's too short.

I had one of these. I described it as like living with a dementor. Slowly sucks your soul from you. It was like he had to opposite of rose-tinted glasses. He moaned about everything. We went on a city break to one of the most amazing cities in the world and later he said ‘I hated every minute of that trip’. I thought ‘Were we on the same trip?’.
I kept waiting for the depression to improve. He was on anti-depressants but they didn’t help, killed his sex drive and gave him insomnia but he refused to change from them. He wouldn’t get counselling either. We tried joint counselling but all our problems got blamed on me.
I had two people separately tell me his behaviour was controlling and could be seen as coercive. I suddenly realised they were right. The low mood, the angst. He checked out of family life. Made excuses when we got invitations. Withdrew to game if DC and I suggested watching a movie. I thought maybe he just wanted the bachelor life..
I asked to separate in the end. I just couldn’t take any more. He did do counselling but claimed he didn’t get anywhere with it. So much for the bachelor life, he met someone new within a couple of weeks and moved in with her and her DC within a year! DD was upset at the time but says now she’s glad it happened. Our home is so much more relaxed without him in it. Best decision I ever made.

It's one thing being supportive when someone is dealing with mental health issues and actually recovering and managing them well. It's a whole different issue if they aren't progressing and everything stays the same. He's effectively not helping himself and has dragged you down with him.
I think you need to either sit down and lay it all out on the line, tell him what you expect. If he's not prepared to do that, then for your own mental well being and self worth, end the relationship. I have the same issue with my H making comments about how much stuff is, what am I buying it for etc. I roll my eyes and explain. (He doesn't get in a mood or argue over it. I think he's just a typical Yorkshire man!!!) Sending you strength 💐

Leave him, dont look back and don't feel guilty. You will immediately feel like a weight has lifted. I lived how you describe and it's not worth wasting another minute. Once you've left practice the " let them" theory, you'll be so much happier, so will your kids 😊

My ex partner was like this. We were together for 5 years. He was so negative all the time unless she had just bought a new motorbike (again!) or had something he was looking forward to in that week then he would be over the top happy.
He would moan about everything, the roads, the weather, my kids, noise, people being in the bathroom if he needed it, the house, the fact that my car wasn't tidy, the lost goes on and it was exhausting! He had a history of depression but honestly I couldn't do it anymore it was draining the life out of me! Eventually he became pretty mean to my children (not his) which was the reason I had to leave him.
I'd be seriously thinking about what your future looks like and if you can see being with him for the next x amount of years especially when your kids have grown up and left home?