Struggling to cope with husbands constant negativity

[DexterDowner]

We have been married nearly 20 years, we have children and I am seriously struggling to cope with my husband’s constant negativity and gloomy outlook in life. I’m close to divorce. Am I being unfair?

He suffers from mental health issues. He sees a psychologist. He had for years and years. He had not improved. I’ve done all the things you are supposed to when your loved one is depressed and supported them, made allowances, let things slide when days / events are ruined, gave them ample time they need for themselves, tried to be understanding, supportive, encouraging, forgiving….

but I am absolutely f*ing sick of it now. It’s exhausting! It’s draining the life and soul out of each and every day, each and every moment, the kids are affected by it, we all are! Years of putting up with this has really taken its toll and I’ve noticed how isolated it’s made us. He’s spoiled family events, weddings, work opportunities, relationships with friends.

We don’t have friends who come round, family keep their distance, the kids don’t bring friends round, we rarely do anything and if we do - we are all walking on eggshells. He’s just so depressing it leeches the fun out of everything and it’s been this way for the best part of ten years. I’m starting to feel utterly depressed myself!

I do not enjoy spending time with him, it really is a huge chore as I have to deal with the constant doom and gloom, trying to manage his moods, “just be a good wife and understand” - but it’s became abundantly clear, he’s affecting all of us in a really bad way.

In all honesty, he’s quite comfortable being Victor Meldrew and seems to relish being Mr Negative, but I am the TOTAL opposite and it’s so clear now that he’s been pulling me under water for so long and I’m exhausted because I’ve just been trying to stay afloat.

I know he has a mental illness and I know I am supposed to support him in sickness and in health, but at what cost? Do I really sacrifice the happiness of me and my children because he’s mentally unwell?

We rarely spend time together and when we do, I’m not enjoying myself. It’s whinge after whinge, complaining about the price of things and complaining about anything he possibly can. It’s actually embarrassing going out in public with him as he’s so rude and all he thinks about is himself. If I ever mention his moods, it’s my fault for saying he’s in a mood and now he is in a mood. He never recognises his destructive behaviours.

Today I snapped, I’ve been ill for the past few weeks and decided to go to the shop and get something nice for lunch, he came with me which I was disappointed with, it’s easier to go alone. He was so passive aggressive about everything. The price, why do we need that, oh you are getting more stuff?, I don’t want lunch anyway, it will just be you eating, it will go to waste, do you need all that? sighing and grumbling…. I just about turned and went to the car. I literally couldn’t stand it any longer and had lost all interest in something nice for lunch and the guilt that comes with it. I told him it’s absolutely exhausting dealing with his constant negativity and controlling behaviour.

We have came home and returned to our separate lives in the same house. He won’t apologise for being a moan and ruining what could have been a nice afternoon. He won’t even bring it up. I feel completely unseen. He seems to relish wallowing in his own self pity.

I’m seriously considering divorce. I’m spent. I’ve gave everything I have and I feel like I’ve had nothing in return. He never cares how I feel. I’ve always made excuses for him. Always tried to understand and support. My poor kids need to be able to enjoy life again. How did I manage almost 20 years of this?

What would you do?

This can’t be put down to depression. It’s his personality. Depressed people don’t typically moan and whinge all the time. They will usually put a brave face on it and people around them don’t know they’re ill. It’s all inside them. He’s doing the opposite- he has the nerve to blame you for his moods, which on its own is enough of a reason to leave.

Sounds like you need to get out of relationship and set you and your kids free. Don’t feel guilty about leaving him. You are not obliged to be his emotional punchbag, and it hasn’t done him any good anyway. You already lead separate lives. Divorce might even give him the shake up he needs to improve- he’s probably stuck in his habit of moaning at you, and without you there he’ll have to change in some way. Not that you’re responsible for him, you absolutely are not, I’m just saying that you have no reason to feel bad about ending this miserable marriage.

It sounds very similar to the situation I was in in the last straggling days of my marriage, then I filed for divorce. The atmosphere in the house now he's gone is so peacful I wish i'd done it years before.

The amount of abuse that is meted out in the guise of depression is quite staggering. You said it yourself @DexterDowner , his behaviour is controlling. It might seem that it's all down to his mental health. negativity, whatever, but it's working for him in that you and your children, whilst not walking on eggshells, are dancing to his tune.

Couples counselling is pointless at best and would more than likely be more damaging.

He will not change. Well, he might get worse. Especially if he thinks you're putting yourself and your children first. Do what you can to prepare for separation, if that's what you choose to do, before raising it with him. Be prepared for him to escalate, men like him don't like not being in control. Hopefully he won't but it will stand you well to be prepared in case he does. Your and your children's safety and wellbeing are what count now

Op very draining as you say. My mother can be like this. Im worn out some weeks listening to it.

I have suffered mental health problems all my life. Partly due to an illness/pain and partly from a neglectful childhood. However, it has not been 24/7 365 and unless you have severe mental health issues that mean you literally cannot think straight you have to put the work in and lessen the impact on those around you. The majority of people who I have met who have genuine mental illnesses are keenly aware of the impact on others and try very hard to not bring others down.

I have every sympathy for people who have mental health difficulties but it's not an excuse to bring others down. As an adult who has dependant children he needs to take charge of his healing and recovery in order to be a better parent. Even if that sometimes means you have to drag yourself up and fake it. Unless you are acutely ill you have to take charge of your own health and this is especially true if you have an impact on children. It would be exactly the same if it was a physical illness. As a parent you need to manage your condition whether it is physical or mental because your actions have huge consequences for the entire lives of your children. He is selfish that he cannot put his children above himself even occasionally. If he really cared about you all he would do whatever it took to get better or at least well enough not to drag you all down. It appears to me that it's less about his mental illness and more about who he is as a person. It seems this is just who he is, this is his personality. If nothing has changed in 20 years or there have been no periods of him being even slightly better, I find it hard to believe this is purely because he is depressed. That's not how depression works. Other than the therapy, which is clearly not working what has he done to improve things?

You don't have to stay out of guilt op. It's not your responsibility to sacrifice yourself to placate a man who can't even be decent to you even occasionally. Maybe he was different when you first met but in all honesty it sounds like this is the real him and he's just a Donny downer by nature.

As an aside, it's interesting to me that it's never women who are depressed for 20 odd years and take it out on their family. It never seems to be women who mope about and bring everyone around them down. Why is it that women seem to be able or have to dust themselves down and push through in order to make a good life for the children but men get to mope about making everyone's life a misery and putting their self pity above everyone else.

Leave him. This is no way to live x

I think this has become his comfort zone and his identity. If you are thinking about leaving don’t feel bad – if anything it might be as good for him as it is for you. Without being propped up and feeding on your energy he might discover ways to help himself. It sounds like an element of learned helplessness.

And no, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your whole life at the altar of his gloom.

He is a psychological vampire. Bin.

Divorce. Definitely. Be prepared to have to do all the legwork yourself and for him to drag his feet over anything he needs to do / decide / sign and for him to be a total arse and blame you for everything. But you’ll get past it and be free, and so will your children. Make sure they know he’s not their responsibility and his moods aren’t their fault and they don’t need to feel guilty.

My mother divorced my father (who is similar but much madder) and it was hard but she was so so so happy afterwards. And went on to meet the love of her life at 52.

Being a complete dickhead is not a ‘sickness’, is he honouring his marriage vows? Honouring and cherishing you? Being an excellent parent?

You get one life, you e already wasted decades of it on this shit man, time to put your kids first.

That's an amazing and insightful post, @megandmogandmike.

He sounds like a mental drain. Can you go on holiday by yourself for a while, or with the kids? You need to distance yourself from his negativity. Seek some counselling or a support group and get legal advice in case you do decide to leave. I don't know how you put up with him for so long.

I would have a serious chat about separating. He will be entirely negative about it and blame you, emotionally blackmail you and coerce you into staying together. But you've already endured 20 years and he hasn't changed. It's almost like the old adage "give someone an inch and they'll take a mile". Every time you've let him have his way (cancelling events etc) it just opens the door wider to letting him do it again.

You deserve to live in peace and happiness, and it sounds as though you'll only achieve this by separating.

So many replies and lots of really wonderful advice, thank you so much everyone 🥹

I resonate a lot with the comments that he’s using depression as an excuse for his behaviour, this is absolutely the case and unfortunately I have used that as an excuse for his behaviour as well.

It’s time to show the kids what self care and worth is and give him the ultimatum, he needs to immediately change his ways or I’m leaving.

I am more financially stable than him. He is in a dead beat job and really can’t be bothered trying for anything better.

How have I survived 20 twatting years of this?

Spell it out to him. Maybe show him this thread. If there is no response, leave. Life is too short. Wishing you all the best

it sounded exhausting just reading it...no point in everyone in your family being depressed, just leave him to enjoy his misery

After reading your post, the thought of attending a few months of relationship counselling with this misery guts would drive me over the edge.

I’d divorce. It really is the small things that can make you happy. What’s the point if you cant even have a nice lunch without negativity?

also, moaning about someone else's lunch is not depression - he is just being a dick

yes, it could have been just you eating, enjoying your food without his asshole remarks - imagine how nice it will be after the divorce to go shopping, buy what you like, and sit there in blissful silence or with just your kids and enjoying your food, your tea, your day and your life

I divorced the Dementor I was married to. Was such a HUGE relief!

Are you looking for permission to end your marriage? If so, here it is. Do it. Do it now. You do not have to suffer through any more of this.

we are all walking on eggshells

This is the most important sentence in your post. Supporting someone with mental health should NOT mean that you can't do or say or behave in your normal ways in your own home. It means understanding if, for example, the person doesn't want to attend an event as they can't face it. it means supporting them as they find the tools they need to manage/imrpove their mental health.

After all this time, this isn't mental health. This is a man who is happy to play the victim so that he doesn't have to do anything. You say you are already bearing the financial burden? I bet you're also bearing the parenting burden? The mental load? The cooking/cleaning/shopping burden?

Does he bring anything positive to your life? or your children's? it is so sad that your activities and lifestyle have been curtailed by him for so long. I'd see this is a lightbulb moment and get out while you can.

I would leave, you have been amazing, you have tolerated and supported- but you cannot go on. You need a life, your children need a life - and you all deserve to live in a happy, safe, environment where your children can bring their mates home and you can reconnect with family and friends.

Take care x

I know I am supposed to support him in sickness and in health.

Nope. You don't. I would leave, or if I couldnt leave because it is easier said than done, lead completely separate lives.

Sorry, read your update and see you are the higher earner. Definitely leave.

I’m sorry OP, I would leave and not look back.
I can tolerate most things in life and move past a lot, but constant negativity and moaning is the worst. I have a friend who is like this and I now only see her 3-4 times a year because I just can’t stand it.

Your children deserve to be in a happy environment, as do you.