It's a long one - need advise please

[bogtrotter123]

Back story ; We live about 8 hours drive / or 1 hour flight away from parents in law
Always have.

Husband worked away a lot over the years ie away for one to six months at a time, with about 6 weeks holiday split over the year.
Almost every NYE that he was in uk was spent with PIL, sat watching TV.( very boring !) this is what it's been like over the last 28 years Also summer holiday was often spent with them at that same house.

Husband now has new job and mostly works from home, only gets about a month off pa. I've worked,Self employed full time, all my life too, and brought up the children who have now grown up and moved out.

DH and I finally get to enjoy actually being together at last and I am looking forward to some holidays together.
We have not had many foreign holidays over the last 28 years as funded our own home and one for PIL to live in as they got in a financial mess.

Anyway sadly FIL passed away about 18 months ago so DH spent six weeks there over that summer. I joined him for a month but to be honest it was a strain as 'I've never been good enough for her son' I worked most of the time ( internet based office hours) tucked in a corner of the bedroom but was tricky as internet was so slow . Couldn't be on internet at same time as DH for example. To top it off MIL was incredibly insensitive to her oldest son ( not DH ) and I was hurt on his behalf at it and couldn't forgive it. Knew I'd explode and say something if I didn't remove myself from there . (For context DH won't hear a bad word about his mother and I'm not allowed to be rude to her no matter what)

Anyway, Since then DH has been spending a week on his own visiting his mother every three months - ie a whole month out of the year.

Is this normal ? (He's not an only child - there's three of them)

When he's home with me , She video phones him pretty much every day too..

We have been trying to relocate them to a ground floor garden flat for last five years or so, as would be easier as she has mobility issues, but now FIL has gone she's refusing to move out of the three story house that's utterly not suitable as it's full of memories. DH is happy with her staying. So my opinion is ignored ( as usual )

I'm feeling that I'm expected to just put up with the situation. He has always done what suits him and I've held everything else together to allow it. But this was because he was working away.
Now he's not working abroad I want things to change. I've had enough of that and I want to be his priority now. I have said this and my words have, once again been ignored.

I get that it's his mother, and it's only a week but it's four times a year and I seem to then be left with the DH who's always working.

I have booked a solo holiday a couple of times when he's been away visiting her, but it's so bloody lonely it actually makes me feel worse as I'm surrounded by loving couples on holiday - which is what I want to be.

Sorry this is way too long and way too outing. And might have turned into a bit of a vent or rant - sorry . If you have read this far well done !

So what do I do?
I've told him I want to be his priority now. I've suggested he can fly up over a weekend occasionally or tie it in with a work trip, but a week away each time is too much. Am I being unfair?

My parents are both long gone. I have heart problems and was told I'd be gone soon too ,but even then DH wouldn't retire to spend time travelling with me. Thankfully, I've had a better prognosis recently, so hope to get to proper old lady age in the future - but I still want to start living a life of fun as a couple. We could retire tomorrow if we sold both properties about bought a garden flat for her and smaller house for us. (Both big houses are paid off now.)

So I guess I'm asking is what he's doing normal?
Is what I'm asking too much?
Am I a twat and I should just be happy with what I've got?
Or should I do something differently?
Should I just cut my losers and just leave?

Nb not sure it's relevant but I earn enough to be independent. But I don't have a private pension as I thought I'd be dead by now - if we split he'd have one house and I, the other . I'd need to sell it if I didn't work .

Thank you for any thoughts in whichever context ! As I really am in a quandary.

First of all, sorry that you feel so lonely and that you have been "on your own" but in a relationship for so many years.

However, I don't feel that 4 weeks a year is that much for your dh to spend with his mother.

It sounds like he is the sort of person who just does what he wants to first and also that he had never prioritised spending time with you.

Gently, what makes you think you can make him do that now?

I say this as someone whose other half spent a lot of time avoiding spending time with me (workaholic) and it was one of the contributing factors to our separation (although the emotional abuse and silent treatment was most of it).

Morning OP. Not too long to read and very nicely and clearly written I have to say (lots of longer than yours posts on here are a struggle to read). But to the point. You are not being unreasonable or a twat or asking for too much. Your DH should have prioritised you long ago and learnt that it's not a crime for you to have a critical opinion about his mother. You've taken second place and not kicked up a fuss about it. You sound like a lovely person and he's bloody lucky to have you, sadly I don't think he appreciates how lucky he is.
Time to make him realise. Time to toughen up and start being MORE demanding, not less. Ultimatums maybe? DH, we've been round the houses on these issues and nothing ever changes. We'll if you won't change, I'll have to. I'm thinking that it might be time we parted ways. Unless we see some improvement.
It's no longer practical for your mum to live in that big house, and she could live another thirty years getting frailer and with you staying with her more and more and me more alone, so what am I losing? Etc etc. Time to start asserting your needs more strongly OP! You can do it I know, because you actually sound like a very competent and intelligent woman and here on mumsnet you'll get all the advice and support and encouragement that you need.
Onwards and upwards OP. 💪

4 weeks a year is a lot. How much annual leave does he get with his job?
I think I would be suggesting shorter trips and that you too would like to spend some quality time together holidaying.
If he’s not interested then I think it’s time for a frank discussion.

What @heldinadream says. Only you know if standing firm will give him food for thought and make him a bit more thoughtful but if the answer to that is no then maybe it's time to cut your losses and go and enjoy your life on your own. You only get one life and you've wasted a lot of yours keeping a home together while he's done as he pleases. Maybe it's time for you to do as you please. You could also stay married and do that too though but he may not be happy with that. Boohoo

Four weeks per year is far to much, especially when this is likely only to increase as she gets older.
I think pps are right, stand your ground. You've forever a significant amount of time running the home to support his career. You have more than earned the right to say your now putting your needs at the top of the list.

Honestly, neither of you are being unreasonable or selfish. You want to spend time with your husband, he wants to see his mother who lives 8 hours away. That’s an issue when family are far away.

My PIL live just as far away. We do two full weeks to visit them where drive and then 2-3 long weekend visits where we fly. Is that an option? That way he still gets a couple of decent visits, and also sees his mum regularly, whilst leaving annual leave for other trips with you.

I agree, you need to work out what you want from DH and what your red lines are. Could you manage on your own?

Tell him what you want from a relationship and how you want things to be, but you may have to be prepared to leave as I think it's unlikely you will get them.

It sounds pretty rough to have lived with this significant life limiting illness for a long time and it may have affected both of you, so joint therapy could be an option as you work out how to go forward?

Finally I think you need to get very clear on your separateness from MIL. I was a bit concerned about the "we could sell both houses, downsize her and retire" - you own the house but has it been gifted to her ? Or she is your tenant? Has she paid rent? She may have a claim on the house or indeed your DHs siblings might. And the idea of you subbing his parents for a long time is another thing to unpack with him in therapy.

She needs a sustainable way forward for her own finances and you need to be able to live too without the enmeshed finances.

Hi and thank you for the reply's .
It's good to know you have each read it and for me to read what you each say - kind of validates my quandary as there's some mixed responses of too much time - not too much etc .

Re the ownership of the house MIL lives in. I put in a large cash deposit from my own house sale ( house I owned before I met DH) we then got a very small mortgage to complete the purchase. PIL said they join a housing list and they'd be out in a couple of years .that was over 20 years ago. ( must be a very long list )

We were married by then so house is in joint names ( mine and his ) it's a peppercorn rent - legally I get the first daffodil of the spring from the garden as rent. Siblings only found out about this maybe 3 ish years ago - I did say at the time we should be honest with them about it - but I was over ruled and it remained a secret all of those years.

We had a big chat midweek ( last week) - ie before this weekend just gone - and I did say if you go up there you may as well stay there.
I explained that as our youngest has now moved out it's incredibly lonely here and I really don't like it on my own - it's miles away from anywhere. It's old and creaky.

That escalated to him saying we'd divorce and he'd organise a van.

This is the point when my tears started and I took myself off to bed. ( this was mid day ) He then came through and watched me cry and said he just wanted to hug me and say it'll be alright. He then apologised and said he didn't want you to split up and that he loved me. But that he would still be going to see his mother. He then asked me to sit with him in the lounge ( it transpired because there was rugby on the tv) like a mug I sat with him.
Awful day - not much better next day then I had to put on smiles as we had something organised out together.

On Sunday he went over mIL as he'd planned. He's due home on Sunday. I'm going to meet him on Friday now ( not at mil house) - and have a couple of days in a hotel ( while he goes to a rugby game ) then both fly home Sunday . I'll be travelling literally all day Friday as no direct flight - but I'll see him ( and some of our friends ) Friday night and just us Saturday night after the game. So I guess that's something. The hotel looks lovely too.

However, to be honest , I still feel utterly heart broken - completely stamped on.

Thanks again for your comments ( not sure how to quote and name check you ?)

Ah OP that changes things massively. I originally said neither of you were being unreasonably or selfish, but his reaction was shit. There needs to be a middle ground between what you want and what he wants. Not what he wants or the highway.

His reaction sucks and his relationship with his mother sounds like a dysfunctional quasi marriage. It's almost like he has another woman. Not in a sexual sense but certainly an emotionally enmeshed one.

I'm not sure what the solution is but I certainly wouldn't put up with it and (because you're already lonely and far down on his list of priorities) I'd be looking to unentangle myself from this man, especially financially.

It's a shit situation isn't it.

He sounds very selfish OP , his way or the highway after so many years….
With you doing all the giving whilst he takes and watches Rugby.
I think booking some holidays on your own is good but maybe book a solo holiday where you know people will mix more.
Do you love him or is he just a familiar face? What are you getting from this relationship

The job working away all these years is a red herring OP. You have a man that is used to doing his own thing, whenever he wants to, and wife and kids are bestowed his time and energy when he sees fit. The change in job shows that this is who he is. He has been acting as a single man all his life.

Your update saying you were "encouraged " to sit with him involved watching his sport, and now your special weekend away is also dominated by his sport. Why are you giving away everything, mentally, emotionally and physically, just to have the odd gaze or word from this man? Where did "you" go during this marriage? Where is your self esteem, your self worth?

He has done what he has wanted his entire life and it's doubtful he will ever change. Go to counselling, jointly for the marriage, singly for you as you do not value yourself enough. Be prepared to lose your dreams of his full attention though (however there are plenty of better dreams out there where you can thrive)

He's all I've known for most of my adult life. I've always felt we belonged together - were a team. But after that day (I'm thinking it must have been the previous weekend not midweek?) I'm just too hurt to look at him in the same way. I'm in a bit of a daze still about it all. But he's behaving as though everything is ticketyboo. I can't make sense of it.
I'm such a bloody doormat.

I think you could do with a couple of sessions with a counsellor, just to talk to someone impartial. And a solicitor, just to see where the land lies in case of separation. And an estate agent, just to see what the house you are living in is worth.

My neighbours are in their late 70s and haven't been on holiday together for years, because he doesn't want to go on the sort of long haul, city break or active holidays she does, so she goes either with a friend or on more of a organised tour group/singles holiday.

So you and your husband bought a house for his parents to live in, mortgage is fully paid and you were the one to put up the deposit.

The house you and your husband is also fully paid off. Who paid the deposit on it ?

I can't see why you are bothering to travel up to the mil's area for stay in a hotel for the weekend, just to go out on 2 evenings.
Do the two of you go out during an evening anyway ?

Personally I would start gathering figures, let him hire a van ( not sure what he thinks he's putting in it ? is he stripping the home you both live in of furniture and filling up mil's home with it ? ) and he can go and live happily ever after with his mother.

I am surprised someone only gets 4 weeks annual leave - that's 20 days. but anyway none of that is really relevant as it doesn't seem he wants to holiday with you or travel.

I feel your marriage is over, he even managed the word divorce but didn't cope with your subsequent tears and going to bed - hence you then having to watch rugby.

So you get ready to divorce, get all the numbers and figures you need - keep your thoughts and plans to yourself. There are no children to consider so no maintenance for children.
Find a good divorce solicitor and take all your figures with you. You won't be ' cutting your losses ' you will be coming out of this with your head held high !

But he's behaving as though everything is ticketyboo.
That is because you have gone quiet. Normal service has resumed.

I'm guessing you have always followed his lead and that most things aren't worth disagreeing about. Then suddenly BAM, something is important to you but he dismisses it as unimportant, it's just a whim, you will get over it... but when you don't (because it is important) he gets angry. You aren't behaving as you should, you've gone crazy, hormonal, or whatever. He will either shout you down (leaving you confused as to what the heck just happened), or complain how hard everything is for him and you need to back down as he's depressed/stressed. He will manipulate the situation until he gets what he wants and you get nothing. You will have had a whole load of anger, shouting, crying, etc but you will be in exactly the same position as before the whole thing started. This will teach you to never put yourself first ever again. He will always win, you will always lose.

Take some time. Once those rose tinted glasses start slipping you notice little things more and your reality tips. I was similar to you and I ended up having a mini breakdown as everything I thought was real and normal, actually wasn't. I was being subtly financially, emotionally and mentally abused for 25yrs. My eyes are now fully opened and we are heading for divorce. But I took 6 months of watching before I started looking into finances and possible escape plans. I suggest you do the same

Do you like where you are living OP ? You mention it’s old and rickerty and miles from anywhere? Why stay if it makes you miserable
I think things need to change , your health is better than once thought and you need to celebrate that gift not vegetate because change scares you.
Have you thought of writing a bucket list of adventures you want to have?
Are there things your children would do with you?
I don’t think your H will change he’s too selfish and used to your world revolving around him
You need to start enjoying your life. If he wants to join in ok but don’t waste anymore years waiting for him

You have more power than you think. Move location to somewhere more connected. See a therapist. Take up some hobbies that are social including active stuff. Communicate more effectively. Imagine what that life would be like, what would you be like living that life?

You're right, he's so used to only considering himself and this is a continuation of this mind set. Nothing wrong with supporting his mum and this is likely to increase BUT you need to look after yourself because he clearly isn't.

He's just plain selfish.

Please be careful OP. He'll only start to put you first when it's in his own best interests. That is, when he needs looking after.

If he can never put your needs first, please do it for yourself.

I've paid off this house on my own in large lumps over last 4 years. He paid some of the other house off but I had to add in an extra £20k to finish it . I put most of the money in initially but then we Rejigged that investment to get a deposit for this one. It's so complicated. He pays money into a joint account to cover bills and food etc I top it up when needed. I bought car outright a few years ago. We have nothing on tick, even phones are paid either sim only contract.

You sound sad and lonely and in need of a hug.

It seems to me like you're wanting him to change his behaviour but he's been like this for 28 years so how realistic is your desire? What are the chances that he's suddenly going to change after all this time?

You described yourself as a doormat and you're right but what are the chances that YOU can change after 28 years?

Maybe the only options are to try relationship counselling (would he be agreeable to that?) or to strike out on your own and build a better life in your own house, in a place where you can also build a social life. Whichever you choose, I strongly recommend you consult a solicitor who specialises in divorce so that you have all the information you need about your financial situation. Your husband isn't going to be considerate towards you so you need to protect your assets and your future. I wish you well.

If his job is mostly WFH these days why can't he arrange a better internet connection at his Mom's house and visit her while working? At least half of his visits. Then have proper time off with you?

I get that there is a lot more going on here but this seems like a really basic compromise so if he says no to this it's probably never going to change.

Hang on.... you paid a large deposit for their house and helped pay the mortgage off. Then you have paid huge chunks of mortgage off yours. He's given you food towards bills and food but he should have done that anyway as you had children... so where the hell is the bulk of his money?

Time you sat down and figured out where all the money has gone, how much of yours versus his is in either house etc. Something doesn't feel right.

Oh, and I agree with pp. If your house is too isolated then it's time to move somewhere you want to be. Put your needs first for a change.

No idea where his money goes /has gone.