It's a long one - need advise please

[bogtrotter123]

Back story ; We live about 8 hours drive / or 1 hour flight away from parents in law
Always have.

Husband worked away a lot over the years ie away for one to six months at a time, with about 6 weeks holiday split over the year.
Almost every NYE that he was in uk was spent with PIL, sat watching TV.( very boring !) this is what it's been like over the last 28 years Also summer holiday was often spent with them at that same house.

Husband now has new job and mostly works from home, only gets about a month off pa. I've worked,Self employed full time, all my life too, and brought up the children who have now grown up and moved out.

DH and I finally get to enjoy actually being together at last and I am looking forward to some holidays together.
We have not had many foreign holidays over the last 28 years as funded our own home and one for PIL to live in as they got in a financial mess.

Anyway sadly FIL passed away about 18 months ago so DH spent six weeks there over that summer. I joined him for a month but to be honest it was a strain as 'I've never been good enough for her son' I worked most of the time ( internet based office hours) tucked in a corner of the bedroom but was tricky as internet was so slow . Couldn't be on internet at same time as DH for example. To top it off MIL was incredibly insensitive to her oldest son ( not DH ) and I was hurt on his behalf at it and couldn't forgive it. Knew I'd explode and say something if I didn't remove myself from there . (For context DH won't hear a bad word about his mother and I'm not allowed to be rude to her no matter what)

Anyway, Since then DH has been spending a week on his own visiting his mother every three months - ie a whole month out of the year.

Is this normal ? (He's not an only child - there's three of them)

When he's home with me , She video phones him pretty much every day too..

We have been trying to relocate them to a ground floor garden flat for last five years or so, as would be easier as she has mobility issues, but now FIL has gone she's refusing to move out of the three story house that's utterly not suitable as it's full of memories. DH is happy with her staying. So my opinion is ignored ( as usual )

I'm feeling that I'm expected to just put up with the situation. He has always done what suits him and I've held everything else together to allow it. But this was because he was working away.
Now he's not working abroad I want things to change. I've had enough of that and I want to be his priority now. I have said this and my words have, once again been ignored.

I get that it's his mother, and it's only a week but it's four times a year and I seem to then be left with the DH who's always working.

I have booked a solo holiday a couple of times when he's been away visiting her, but it's so bloody lonely it actually makes me feel worse as I'm surrounded by loving couples on holiday - which is what I want to be.

Sorry this is way too long and way too outing. And might have turned into a bit of a vent or rant - sorry . If you have read this far well done !

So what do I do?
I've told him I want to be his priority now. I've suggested he can fly up over a weekend occasionally or tie it in with a work trip, but a week away each time is too much. Am I being unfair?

My parents are both long gone. I have heart problems and was told I'd be gone soon too ,but even then DH wouldn't retire to spend time travelling with me. Thankfully, I've had a better prognosis recently, so hope to get to proper old lady age in the future - but I still want to start living a life of fun as a couple. We could retire tomorrow if we sold both properties about bought a garden flat for her and smaller house for us. (Both big houses are paid off now.)

So I guess I'm asking is what he's doing normal?
Is what I'm asking too much?
Am I a twat and I should just be happy with what I've got?
Or should I do something differently?
Should I just cut my losers and just leave?

Nb not sure it's relevant but I earn enough to be independent. But I don't have a private pension as I thought I'd be dead by now - if we split he'd have one house and I, the other . I'd need to sell it if I didn't work .

Thank you for any thoughts in whichever context ! As I really am in a quandary.

@bogtrotter123 what do your adult children think of all this? have you told them how sick you are of the situation? would it put your husband out of you suddenly went on holiday alone for two weeks while he was at home (without telling him or preparing anything for him beforehand? what would he do if you suddenly blew up at MIL and he wasnt there (about something else). could you force her house to be sold??

Okay, I will rephrase.

How much of his money versus yours has gone towards the other house?
How much of his money versus yours has gone towards your house?

Also, would you consider moving somewhere less isolated? I think that might help you to be more independent and give you a new purpose in life now the children have left

How was your relationship over the years at times you were together. If intimacy has gone over the youears, it's unlikely you'll magically get back into it and become the loving, travelling couple.
Got any friends you could go on holiday with, or how about your DC's? Better than going solo - though nothing wrong with that either. If going it alone, better to book a specific holiday for solo people, with a few tours attached.
Sounds like he's done his own thing for decades, while you've bankrolled him and his PIL and its about time he showed some appreciation for that.

Just done the maths to get to 100% for both houses - I have put in 75% and he has put in 25% this is for houses.

So in actual sale value, if I keep this one and he keeps the other one I'm giving him more than he's put in.

Trying to answer so e of the questions.

Re is the marriage intimacy question. Been ups and downs - but always there . Not sure how I feel about it right now though.

What am I getting from the relationships? Good question, I do feel loved some of the time. Sometimes I feel appreciated but more often not.

Would he be fine if I left for a two week holiday at short notice? He'd be fine.

Would he go to counselling? No way.

Do I like where I'm living? yes when I'm not here alone.

Can I change from a doormat? I think I'm going to need to!

Re arranging better internet there - tried everything it's due to distance from something that can't be changed.

Re question about if I was to blow up at MIL - I did years and years ago and I was forced to write a letter of apology.

Re have I got friends to go on holiday with ? Not really - they all go with their partners.

So you have paid for almost 2 houses.

I rather suggest he has a large amount in savings ! or he is a gambler.

either way when you divorce you will be in a good financial position, and he and his mother may be living in a 2 bed flat.

I don't know, marital assets get split don't they I could end up having to pay out even more, knowing my luck.

Okay, to put the holidays to one side, there are 'proper' solo holidays so whether you're married or not everyone is travelling alone not in pairs

What do your children think?

However it is patently clear that this man has had his own way his entire life and everyone else (esp his mother) has facilitated it.

Please find a good counsellor for you to help you find what you want the rest of your life to look at

Followed by very good legal advice!

I'll look into solo holidays and counselling too. Uneasy about finding a solicitor as that all seems a bit final - but I assume I will have to face it at some point.

I've not discussed this with the children ( adults ) yet.

You sound very lonely OP & reluctant to talk about your relationship with your children.
Do they visit often ?
After years of losing your identity caring for other it is difficult to change your mindset and place more importance on your needs.
I think therapy/counselling might help you make sense of your feelings & why yourself esteem is so low.
I know it’s not easy but seeking legal advice about your marriage , property ,wills etc might be a good idea. Your H doesn’t seem to manage his money well. Could he be relied on to take care of your children in event of you passing away before him? Would he remarry & essentially disinherit your children.
I know these are not nice things to think about. But your H behaviour is distant.
You are the one who has put 75% into 2 properties , I think you need to protect yours and your children financial interests

Speaking to a solicitor just makes it all clearer in terms of entitlements. It doesn't mean you are committing to anything right now. If he's already threatened to spilt up because you aren't toeing the line he might well decide to leave anyway, especially if you stop doing what he wants. (I'm really shocked about 'forced to write an apology' - that would have been it for me right then frankly). You do need to be prepared for that at least.

I think his relationship with his parents/mother sounds very enmeshed and that you are not the priority in his life that as his wife you should be.

As for holidays, have a look at Exodus, Explore and similar companies, as well as ones specifically catering for groups of solo travellers. I've done several different group trips and all have been excellent. Always some other singles in the group along with combinations of friends and parent & adult child whilst the couples are usually quite adventurous, well travelled, happy to mingle and not at all 'loved up'. I've made some long term friends from those holidays. Book something! Start living your life, regardless of him.

My experience with my parents has coloured my views OP. My dad went with my mum on the Friday to update their wills and on the Monday left her. No note.
She had been Ill.
Fortunately she saw a solicitor changed her will, got a legal separation . If she hadn’t Dad would have inherited everything when she died. He delayed and delayed submitting financial information and she passed before the divorce
Unfortunately she forgot to change the beneficiary on her life insurance and the money went to dad not to pay for her funeral as per her wishes.
Just because you are with someone a long time doesn’t mean they have your best interests at heart.
Don’t put your head in the sand OP

Can you prove what you have paid for / towards over the years ? Have you proof that it was you that paid the deposit on the house his mother lives in - I expect you do when you think about it.

Even if marital assets are split, you can have the deposit YOU paid on that house ring fenced as the money was yours before you met your dh etc.

and i think you will find that he has a large savings account somewhere, and of course a pension...

Seeing a solicitor can just be about finding out about your entitlements in the event of a split. Knowledge is power and will help you with planning a financially secure future for yourself, whether it's with or without your husband.