Do recurring intense crushes mean there's something wrong with my marriage?

[Mohosandcaras]

Been married nearly a decade, together a few years longer. Married young, to my first long term boyfriend.

No big problems in our marriage, the usual humdrum of having kids, mismatched libidos to some extent (mine larger than his) but no abuse, drinking, gambling, cheating, anything like that.

I seem to be plagued by having intense crushes on other men which last, typically, years. Current one is two years and counting. Always work colleagues. Always all-consuming. I've never cheated, never acted on them, but they take over my brain. I've heard the term "limerence" used and it seems to be along those lines.

My husband is lovely and this isn't fair on him. He'd be devastated if he knew I was feeling this way.

My question is - do these episodes of infatuation with other men mean that my marriage is doomed? I'm beginning to question if my "crushes" are actually my body trying to tell me to get out of my marriage. I had big cold feet before the wedding and am wondering if I should have listened to my gut.

Has anyone been in this situation before? If so, how did you stop it? I hate feeling this way.

I think you just cannot control your feelings and that you are emotionally built that way. Not sure that it is a sign that you should get divorced. ( from an old mama who had all sorts of experiences along the way) but prefers to focus on down to earth things rather than too many romantic fantasies

No OP. This is natures way of trying to get you to exchange your DNA with other men. We’re not naturally magnanimous, but rather we commit to love and stay with spouses due to society. If we got married and magically lost all feelings for the opposite sex, we wouldn’t need the line in our vows saying “…forsaking all others..”

We’re not naturally magnanimous

Hilarious autocorrect.

Actually we are most definitely naturally monogamous (males don't want to support offspring who aren't theirs, females want the exclusive support from the fathers of their offspring, humans pair bond very strongly etc.) but most people are perhaps monogamous fur shorter timespans than we attempt. The timespans are becoming more in line with natural ones now that society/laws/religious observance etc have changed. Quite a high proportion of the population is now having 2 or more significant relationships with kids now.

Don’t have an easy answer but I have experienced something very similar. The worst obsessional work crush came after my dad died and lasted over 2 years. It has nearly killed our 18 year marriage.

After lots of therapy I might summarise it is (a) a way to avoid the really tough parts of intimacy in long term relationships- brain retreating to fantasy and idealised relationships rather than confront scary stuff about being honest about difficulties in life and marriage (including complicated sexual hang ups on DH’s part) and (b) feeling overwhelmingly put into the role of mum and wife where the relationship with DH became very parent-child like rather than adult-adult. So again, brain/body was desperate to re-find sexual identity which got focused elsewhere. Oh - also (c) Jungians would say we are looking for the male archetype part of ourselves that hasn’t been able to be expressed - so you are falling in love/limerance with someone who is in some way someone you long to be. This made sense to me in terms of the work context, it’s always with challenging, successful, confident men.
Therapy has helped by giving me these different theories and angles but I can’t say I’m not scared it will happen again. I think some websites on limerance say you have to air it with your partner and that helps kill the feelings (no more secrets). That’s a level of communication that I don’t think I can get to.

Other practical things I found helpful - be strict about triggers - songs, smells etc. Do not give the obsession oxygen, but you can’t bury it completely- allow yourself a certain set time of day to think about the other person then stop.
The only thing that worked fully however, for me, was to go NC - in my case moving jobs.

I felt like this with my exH - had these crushes I did nothing about but there were a lot of them. I ended up divorcing him in the end as I thought he deserved better, we had no kids so it was an easier decision.

It took me many years to realise that it wasn't anything my ex had done, or even that I didn't fancy him. It was a boredom with our life at the time, and also I wasn't entirely ready to settle down when I did. I too had cold feet before our wedding but ignored - and in hindsight my doubts it was never about him. It was this feeling that I hadn't explored/lived my life as fully as I should.

I'm getting married again, many years later and don't have any doubts, cold feet and haven't had crushes at all since i split from my ex. And it's because my life is what I wanted it to be. After my divorce I invested in my own hobbies, got partying out of my system, transformed my career and grew friendships I neglected in my relationship. So I have no desire to day dream about another life with another man. I still meet good looking men often in my line of work and feel nothing. Also I maintain very boundaried friendships with such men so it never gets to that point. I wouldn't say DP is a much better man than ex (though I do find him more attractive than I did ex) but it's more a calmness in me that makes me comfortable with commitment.

Everyone is different obviously. But I think crushes are more indicative of a malaise in life, and they're a fantasy outlet. If you can find way to reclaim your identity within the marriage do it. If you can find new hobbies to do together; enjoy more fun dates and adventures, maybe make some new (female!) friends etc. Crushes don't need to be the end of a marriage but it is a sign you're not happy with the status quo.

Some people seem to be more prone to this than others as an aspect of their personality trait combinations. Others can be triggered to experience it by contextual circumstances, I don't think anyone is immune but it can be very intrusive and unhelpful as they can be so all consuming.
You'll find some really excellent insight and coping strategies at www.livingwithlimerance.com
If you tap into this as a resource there is a good chance you can stop this negatively affecting you and your relationship.

I too suffered from this during my marriage. The crushes were shorter, a week, a few months, with me imagining a life (or sex life) with these men. I seemed to always be looking for someone else, but too scared to leave and I never acted on the fantasies. My husband now ex was a binge drinker, into porn, avoided intimacy, hated to be touched etc. I couldn't talk to him and he never wanted to do anything with me. I think I so desperately wanted to be loved and adored that my outlet was the heady fantasies of other men. Since divorcing and being in a secure and healthy relationship where my needs are being met, it's like other men don't even exist for me. Which is a relief because I thought I was broken, that this habit would come into every relationship with me. I have since read though that people with ADHD tend to have episodes of limerance and I do show alot of the traits of ADHD that I never realised. My sister also married, also has crushes on men that have lasted years. So who knows? Perhaps it's a disorder?

I had this during my marriage. In part I think it was because my life was boring, my ex was fairly inattentive, we had stopped having sex, and I felt like my life was a rather dull treadmill. This other man (not that he knew it) sprinkled fairy dust over the top of everything and made it all feel a bit shinier, brighter, exciting and somehow more hopeful. Nothing ever came of it - I left my job and never saw him again. My ex and I split and I’m now with my DP of 9 years. My DP is the opposite of my ex - very attentive, tells me how amazing I am every day, very passionate, adventurous- happy to be spontaneous, generous, and loving. I haven’t even glanced at another man since I met him. So cast a critical eye over your relationship. Are you dissatisfied? What can improve it and how?

This happened to me during my marriage. I felt like I was awful, something wrong with me, a terrible a person etc etc. In the end the marriage broke down, I ended it through being so unhappy.

I have been with current DP for ten years. Not had a crush in all that time. Sure, I can see that otter people are attractive etc. but nothing like what I experienced before. I truly believe I was just with the wrong person first time round. I was the wrong person for ex too.

This happened to me. We got divorced in the end. In hindsight, I was really unhappy and had compromised far too much with my ExH. I felt stifled and not like myself. I was really just dreaming of getting back to myself and being with someone kinder.

snowdrop2011 · Yesterday 23:16

Don’t have an easy answer but I have experienced something very similar. The worst obsessional work crush came after my dad died and lasted over 2 years. It has nearly killed our 18 year marriage.

After lots of therapy I might summarise it is (a) a way to avoid the really tough parts of intimacy in long term relationships- brain retreating to fantasy and idealised relationships rather than confront scary stuff about being honest about difficulties in life and marriage (including complicated sexual hang ups on DH’s part) and (b) feeling overwhelmingly put into the role of mum and wife where the relationship with DH became very parent-child like rather than adult-adult. So again, brain/body was desperate to re-find sexual identity which got focused elsewhere. Oh - also (c) Jungians would say we are looking for the male archetype part of ourselves that hasn’t been able to be expressed - so you are falling in love/limerance with someone who is in some way someone you long to be. This made sense to me in terms of the work context, it’s always with challenging, successful, confident men.
Therapy has helped by giving me these different theories and angles but I can’t say I’m not scared it will happen again. I think some websites on limerance say you have to air it with your partner and that helps kill the feelings (no more secrets). That’s a level of communication that I don’t think I can get to.

.......

absolutely. I have always told my husband everything , and he vice versa. We know that our bond is life long, has been tested and came out as pure as tested gold ( hello sisters , you know where this is from ) and sharing to him that I might have a crush on really scary old man ( for whatever reason ) has brought us tons of laughter also. We are both into comedy also , so I cannot take anyone or anything seriously who is going to have to the potential to destroy the relationship with the father of my children, no way. Family is everything despite someone posted here the other day that it is not. If you want good life and good family, take your stand now. People ( including friends ) will come ang go. Family won't.

Really scary old man - with massive charisma , not criminally scary, ok. Otherwise the ladies with dark fantasies will start running even more o😂n the lose @

Limerence is strange and it’s not 100%’clear why the brain does it

I know I’ve been limerent when things arnt good in my life and the man becomes the source of my thoughts

I’d say the critical thing is to treat it as a manifestation of anxiety and mental health and not give it too much oxygen

its like OK my brain is doing g this weird shit

and accept it as a strange thing rather than assume you are doomed

Agree with this and also @Floopani and @JurassicParkaha posts.

On a similar note, I commented on a thread the other day that the saying "once a cheat always a cheat" is completely untrue (I got slaughtered for it obviously 😂). If you are unhappy in a relationship, your head can and will be turned far more easily. If you aren't intimate with your partner, feel unsatisfied, aren't attracted to each other anymore (this applies to both men and women!) then you're far more likely to seek that attention and intimacy elsewhere. If either party feel like this then the relationship is most likely heading in one direction anyway, affair or not.

If you're content and happy then you're unlikely to even look elsewhere because you're not seeking anything else and feel fulfilled in your relationship. Yes there are serial cheats, sex addicts etc but these are the exception. And before anyone goes mad, I'm not saying it's right, but we have to acknowledge that life changes and people grow apart. Yes ideally every person in the world would be single when they meet "the one" and every person would split from their SO as soon as they start thinking they are unhappy but that just isn't real life.

Yes, it happened to me, looking back there was something lacking in our relationship. We are now divorced.

@Starlight1979 I agree. A person can act out of character and it can be a one off. Doesn't mean they want to or will repeat that.

Exactly!!!

For me, when I was unhappy with my ex, I knew I didn't want to feel like that again in any future relationship as I hated the fact I was having crushes on other people and had fantasies in my head about being with someone else. It isn't fair on anyone and relationships shouldn't be like that. That's why I knew I needed to end it.

By contrast my DP is so loving, attentive, caring, passionate etc. We have a laugh, are best friends and have a great sex life. He makes me feel amazing about myself and I couldn't imagine for a second fancying - or even thinking about - anyone else! But I stayed completely single until I found someone who made me feel this way because I didn't want to settle for anything less and find myself in the same situation again.

Woah! This post really really resonates...

Sorry to hear that 😅
I know there’s a lot of debate about limerence but I do look back now and feel that I was mentally ill during those times. It was all-consuming. It has been very negative for my career as well as marriage.
I don’t know whether we will survive it, despite loving each other very much, and other posts do resonate about being in a primary relationship that wasn’t meeting a core need and that being fertile ground for this sort of stuff rearing its head. I’m glad to hear so many others found peace and satisfaction eventually. It’s so tough and honestly I felt for so long that I was the only one going through it.

It's just biology innit. Work crushes are a thing because I'm spending hours at a time making eye contact and talking about big interesting ideas. Sexy! Movies/TV shows I'm spending hours at a time watching an exciting hero do dramatic things while being very muscly. Sexy!

Top tip. Just get some solo sex toys and let your imagination run wild. It doesn't have to mean anything at all!

It's more likely your body tricking you into having another baby. Remember we are hardwired to reproduce and reproduce multiple times. However society has changed so we don't have to have a pregnancy every year of child bearing years just so that a few of them might survive.

We didn't evolve to be monogamous either so I don't think fancying other blokes is that much of a concern. It's just human. As long as it's just purely sexual you're not longing to get away from your husband to be with them.

Oh yeah @snowdrop2011 fully agree about the mentally ill part. There's been times I've had no idea who I am. So full of pain and confusion and desperation.

"reclaim your identity within the marriage do it".

What does this mean in practice?

Do we assume OP currently has another identity that is not real?

A person in a codependent relationship will often become a sort of love chameleon. They sacrifice what is important to them in favour of what is important to their partner. Resentment grows and they start not even really knowing who they are anymore. You lose your sense of your own identity outside of the relationship.

As PP said, if you can focus on what it is that you like to do and feel is important then you can reclaim your identity. I listened to old music, wrote in a journal, and started seeing friends and pursuing hobbies. Ultimately everyone should be happy as themselves in a relationship, not trying to change themselves into a person that their partner would be happy with.