Do recurring intense crushes mean there's something wrong with my marriage?

[Mohosandcaras]

Been married nearly a decade, together a few years longer. Married young, to my first long term boyfriend.

No big problems in our marriage, the usual humdrum of having kids, mismatched libidos to some extent (mine larger than his) but no abuse, drinking, gambling, cheating, anything like that.

I seem to be plagued by having intense crushes on other men which last, typically, years. Current one is two years and counting. Always work colleagues. Always all-consuming. I've never cheated, never acted on them, but they take over my brain. I've heard the term "limerence" used and it seems to be along those lines.

My husband is lovely and this isn't fair on him. He'd be devastated if he knew I was feeling this way.

My question is - do these episodes of infatuation with other men mean that my marriage is doomed? I'm beginning to question if my "crushes" are actually my body trying to tell me to get out of my marriage. I had big cold feet before the wedding and am wondering if I should have listened to my gut.

Has anyone been in this situation before? If so, how did you stop it? I hate feeling this way.

Could be limerance.

Even happy people can create. They like the excitement and the ego boost.

Thanks for the post, very similar to me but I acted on it, not a work colleague. Hubby knew but now it’s evolved into much more. Really I want to separate; this isn’t going to go away but DH loves me very much and we have children with additional needs. I lost my brother last year; I’m 40. We have been together 24 years, married nearly 15. I’m so tired of living to make everyone else happy but what do I do? ☹️ OP if you have never acted on it, let sleeping dogs lie. IMHO xx

What do you have going on for yourself outside of relationships with men? Do you have a fulfilling life outside of that with friends, hobbies, sports etc?

This is so true.

My experience was that it was(is) my husband who was codependent. He became completely reliant on me for his happiness. We ended up resenting each other for it!

Limerence usually happens after loss. I had it appallingly badly after miscarrying a child we badly wanted. people get it after deaths too. Have you experienced loss over the years?

"reclaim your identity within the marriage do it".

What does this mean in practice?

Do we assume OP currently has another identity that is not real?

No. The poster made it pretty clear what she meant imo. Some people lose themselves a bit after years of being wife and mother. 'Reclaiming your identity within the marriage' means re-establishing yourself as an individual with your own interests, and maybe even rediscovering parts of your personality which have been subdued or suppressed because you've been busy looking after your family.

This has happened to me too at various points. I have always found it a deeply troubling experience, while also irresistible. I have probably had 3 of these crushes. They took over my life. I tend to view them as evidence of things being wrong in my life and, frankly, with my mental health.

I never acted on them. But .... I definitely indulged in an unnecessary amount of online stalking and research and invested too much time and energy in seemingly random people. And they really were quite random - a yoga instructor (after 2 years I eventually left and went NC) and one of my kid's teachers 😳

think limerance tends to happen more with people who suffer with obsessive thinking anyway, am i wrong?

I had this with my ex. We were together 11 years.

We had a largely good relationship, though he did have episodes of inappropriate conversation with his ex which put a strain on things.

I got to a stage where I could easily lose myself in another man. The fantasies were strong, my sexual thoughts would always go to either a crush or to no one in particular, pretty much never to my partner.

In the end I made the hard decision to leave. I’m now with someone I very much fancy, and I think of him, not others, now. It immediately cleared my head, it’s like seeing clearly now. I have no desire to have sex with anyone else.

Sounds like boredom.
Is there no way to spice things up with your hubby abit?

I am so relieved to read these. I was thinking I was broken. I had a psychologist suggest maybe you have ADHD, so that was an interesting connection one post covered... I don't think so, as I can concentrate and am not high energy, although exercise is vital. But I have had multiple long term crushes, starting from high school. This morning I was fantasizing about leaving my DH and then he was unusually understanding and kind. This is on the back of me recently suggesting we should separate: he begged me not to and has dramatically changed since. But I don't believe I love him, at least not in a romantic sense. I"m not attracted to him, although he's not unattractive. I don't think about him at all, generally. It's an effort to sometimes remember to even call him when I'm at work (so it's not just him calling). I've been in agony over this for so long. On top of that, my recent crush was on someone who asked me out, not on a date, but then afterwards he admitted he had wanted to kiss me. I feel hard, but as he said I'm married, so nothing happened. But he kept asking personal questions, are you still together? How long before you move out? etc. He's just gone on 3 week holiday, so no contact. But I'd fallen in love with him, beyond limerance a deeper connection and trust and just plain desire, and still think about him. Hence, broken. But also still married.

Honestly OP, you give a clear impression of being bored by your husband (you married young, he was your first long term bf, your lust is greater than his). I don't know what you should do but denying reality is a sub-optimal choice.