Have you lost contact with DC because of a man

[Redcushions]

I've met a woman recently who's in a desperate state. 20+ years ago she had an affair and left her family to be with the man. I know life isn't black and white, people make poor decisions and whilst for me, any cheating in my relationship would mean game over because of the lost trust etc, I don't judge others for it. I think good people can do bad things as we never know what's going on in other's lives.

At the time, she had 4 DC, two young adults and two early teens. All were naturally devastated at the end of their parent's marriage and despite early attempts to reconcile, they all cut contact and she now hasn't seen any of her children, or the subsequent grandchildren in more than 20 years.

The relationship with OM has now broken down and she's angry becuase she feels she gave up everything for him. I can see her point TBH, buyt struggle to understand a woman who will put a relationship with a man (any man) ahead of her relationship with her children.

I can understand affairs happen, but I don't understanding sacrificing your children to continue it.

Does anyone have any experience to help me understand? She's becoming a friend, but I'm only recently learning more of her story.

FWIW OM seems like a decent sort and has treated her well during their 20+ year marriage, it's just the old story of drifting apart and now wanting different things from life. AFAIK no other party on either side this time.

I am curious as to what she is angry about? She left her husband and children for another man and whether it lasted 20 days or 20 years it is entirely on her.

My mum left us as teens for another man. She still got to see us but she still chose another man over not only her home but her husband and kids too. ALL HER OWN DOING. I feel no sympathy for your friend and to be honest I would not even be friends with a woman who can do what she has done.

That's where I am, TBH. I knew about the split, but it's only recently come out that she even has DC from her fordt marriage.

She thinks it's unreasonable of him to leave her after she sacrificed so much for him. I don't understand why/how she could have done that.

I'd have very little pity for her tbh. I know a few people who've been abandoned by their mother for another man/ drink/ drugs and the damage it does is unreal. Your friend is only bothered now because old age is looming and she's alone. She sounds incredibly selfish and I don't think I'd be too interested in being her friend

My mother chose another (horrible) man over my brothers and I … had an affair, did some other terrible things etc etc. I haven’t spoken to her in years and have no respect for her or desire to speak to her ever again! I heard that he has cancer and she will undoubtedly end up old and alone. Not my problem ! I was put through hell by that woman and her selfish wreckless behaviour.

No-one likes a bolter.

But she did not sacrifice things for him, she did it for her. She was a selfish person who chose a man over her children. This is 100% on her not on him.

Him leaving her was always a risk. any relationship can end. she walked out on her previous marriage so she of all people should know this. I agree with poster who said she's only feeling regretful now that she's old(er) and lonely. She's conveniently blaming him.

She’s only bothered now she’s split with the man she had the affair with? Was it worth losing her kids for whilst she was with him then? No sympathy with her at all.

I know one woman in this situation, she tries to gain sympathy from others but I remember how she acted when leaving her partner and children so again, no sympathy.

I know a few men who have left and now don’t see their children as well, that’s more common I think. It’s awful.

My friend’s mum had two DCs from a previous relationship. I can’t remember the ins and outs but the kids stayed with the dad and she had lost contact. About 20 years ago I asked my friend if she or her mum wanted to find the other DCs (they’re her half siblings after all) and she said no because it would hurt her dad’s feelings. I heard all this before I had my own DCs and now I have, I can’t fathom it. I can’t imagine losing touch with my DCs and then being worried about the feelings of my current partner. And I feel bad for the DCs who are now well into their 50s and must always wonder wth their mum left them.

Oh no, if it isn't the consequences of her actions catching up with her...

I have no sympathy, she wasn't thinking of them all those years ago. They owe her nothing now

I dated a man whose wife had an affair with a man she met online and moved 300 miles away to be with him leaving 4 DD’s aged 9-15 with their dad.

Then a few years later after several failed relationships she tried to come back into their lives.

They’re all adults now. 2 have a relationship with her and the other 2 chose to stay estranged. They feel she made her bed and chose random men over her own daughters.

I can't fathom this at all. You have to be a special sort of arsehole to abandon the children you gave birth to. My ex husband has abandoned our son on the say so of OW. He hasn't seen him for four years. The woman resented our little boy and told him to choose. So he chose her. I will never forgive him and I will never understand it. The woman is a parent herself. She used her wealth to buy a house in Scotland, some 700 miles away to ensure she made the abandonment permanent. I have no doubt that my son doesn't even exist and won't ever be mentioned. It's is sickening behaviour and the trauma is horrific. I have no sympathy for your friend and I would walk away. She reaps what she's sown and her lack of self awareness is mindblowing.

People who do this are often narcissistic and tell themselves they have a special all conqueuring love that has a force of it's own and whatever other shite they read in some shitty magazine article.

I imagine the trauma is far worse than losing a parent to death. Because your parent chose to abandon you 🙁

But she didn't abandon them? They cut contact with her.

She’s only upset for herself as her relationship broke up. She’s not upset for her children.
I would think very little of a woman or man that dumps their family.

Her story is that the DC's father was abusive and she had to leave, but DC dont see that. The affair was an exit affair, which helped her do that. Acording to her father has poisoned them against her, it's possible the children would have still been estranged, even if she hadn't stayed with OM

"and left her family to be with the man"

I'd like to hear his version.

So she left her children with an abusive man? In order to go off with another man?

Doesn't sound like much of a friendship you have there.

"and left her family to be with the man"

@LoveAHamSandwhich As many people do, men and women. I don't think it's a good choice of words to use in any relationship breakdown. People are rarely leaving their children when they leave a marriage they are leaving their husband or wife but people like to say. 'they left the family' because it makes it more sensationalist.

OP said the children cut contact with her, so clearly she had no intention of "abandoning" her children, just as countless others before and after have left marriages...doesn't mean they are abandoning anyone.

I guess I can see her 'logic' about the sacrifice she made but she's not exactly taking responsibility for her own actions, and her anger is misplaced.

However I think people/society are far harder on women who leave the family home/have an affair than they are on men. And very very hard on non-resident mothers. The comments already on this thread show that.

I agree it's hard to understand how a mother can leave her kids but then why do we not judge men who leave a family just as harshly? Because they do tend to seem to 'get away with it' far more.

I know 2 women who did this. One actually had an affair with her husband's brother. Her husband found out and threw her out, and BiL then also left his wife & kids to be with her, so it really ripped the whole family apart, especially for the husband/BiL's parents. This was in the 1980's so a real local scandal. Her sons were 11 & 13 at the time and whilst she tried to get regular contact set up, both refused to see her for a while, though their father was part of that - he was very bitter. I think older son is still very low contact with her, the other maintained a relationship but it's never been as close, understandably. I know she grew to regret it, and also they both felt they had to stay together because of the mess they'd made.

The other woman is a friends mum, so I've only her my friends side of the story. Mother left for an affair partner and left the 2 early teens girls with their Dad. Her logic was it was less disruptive as they got to stay in their home, go to same schools etc, as she was living with new man. The daughters did see her as non-resident parent but I know they struggled with it as teenagers. They are both fairly close to their mum as adults though (who is still with affair partner 30+ years later).

So she left her children with an abusive man? It just gets worse.

I agree and it is starting to feel like a friendship I don't want to pursue, but I'm also troubled by the double standard that this is almost normal for men when a relationship breaks down.