Have you lost contact with DC because of a man

[Redcushions]

I've met a woman recently who's in a desperate state. 20+ years ago she had an affair and left her family to be with the man. I know life isn't black and white, people make poor decisions and whilst for me, any cheating in my relationship would mean game over because of the lost trust etc, I don't judge others for it. I think good people can do bad things as we never know what's going on in other's lives.

At the time, she had 4 DC, two young adults and two early teens. All were naturally devastated at the end of their parent's marriage and despite early attempts to reconcile, they all cut contact and she now hasn't seen any of her children, or the subsequent grandchildren in more than 20 years.

The relationship with OM has now broken down and she's angry becuase she feels she gave up everything for him. I can see her point TBH, buyt struggle to understand a woman who will put a relationship with a man (any man) ahead of her relationship with her children.

I can understand affairs happen, but I don't understanding sacrificing your children to continue it.

Does anyone have any experience to help me understand? She's becoming a friend, but I'm only recently learning more of her story.

FWIW OM seems like a decent sort and has treated her well during their 20+ year marriage, it's just the old story of drifting apart and now wanting different things from life. AFAIK no other party on either side this time.

I’m sort of in your friends boat but thankfully still have a relationship (although strained) with my DC.

my ex and I had a toxic relationship with he decided to “open up” after he had an emotional affair with a work colleague (he swears nothing physical happened)

long story short I met an amazing guy and decided I’d had enough of this sham of a marriage and when I told ex husband it was over he basically strong armed me into leaving the marital home and by that point my I already felt alienated from my DC who would mimic my exH dismissive behaviour so I thought it best for them to stay with him (they were early teens at that point)

still have a lot of guilt over leaving them behind but they would have resented me either way

thankfully they haven’t cut me out of their lives but it did damage our relationship

i fully accept how selfish I was to end the marriage and leave my kids the way I did but I resent that women are held such impossibly high standards more so than men in a similar position

He’s not obliged to stay with her because she sacrificed her kids to be with him. That’s a choice that she made and she needs to deal with that. I’m not saying that she should have stayed in her previous marriage but if her kids were important then she would have ended her relationships with her h and OM.

She sacrificed as much as she wanted to sacrificed. She can't blame OM and now be a martyr. She needs to move on.

My step-grandmother left her 2 teenagers and 2 young adult children to run off with her daughter's boyfriend's dad (my grandad). That was fun for all concerned. Her daughters were more forgiving than her sons in the end but it was generally carnage. These things leave huge emotional scars.

Well, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with a man who abandoned his children, it's shitty, selfish behaviour however you try and cut it.

Leaving a marriage for any reason doesn’t necessarily equate to losing your children. I know plenty of people whose relationships broke down due to cheating who have kids, and as difficult as it is they manage to co-parent.
How hard did your friend really fight to maintain some kind of relationship with DCs? The teenagers I’m sure would have felt a lot of anger amongst other emotions, but none were of an age where they could be so completely “poisoned” against her unless the she’d checked out of parenting as completely as she’d checked out of her marriage.

Regardless of what happened back then it’s not the new ExH’s fault. He didn’t have a crystal ball to know their relationship would end, and I doubt he’s been keeping her prisoner for the last 20 years. She could have been spending those years trying to build bridges, not using him as an excuse to wash her hands of her previous life. That’s all on her.

It’s clear from a lot of the comments posted here that many people are not aware of how destructive an abusive partner can be to someone who has had the temerity to escape the relationship with them. I didn't properly understand this either until I started working with people who were seeking non-molestation orders against abusive former partners and started to hear some of their stories and also started to research around it.
As PPs have said, many marriages break down but even where one parent has left the marriage to be with someone else, the relationships with the children are usually preserved.

It could be that your friend was just rather flighty and quick to ditch her children for another man. Or it could be as she says - her ex-husband was abusive and alienated the children from her. It can happen even with older children.

I've seen it with clients and anyone who reads MN regularly will see posts from posters who have experienced the same thing. Abusers who have been left tend to be very keen to avenge themselves on the person who has left and they know that the most effective way to hurt that person is through their shared children. Abusers don't care about the effect this may have on their children. They generally have such a warped way of looking at things that they think they're in the right anyway.

One of our recent clients tried her damnedest to stay in the family home for the sake of her late teens son. But she was harassed and intimidated so badly at home by her ex-husband and her son, whom her husband had trained to side with him, that she had to get out. This had all come relatively out of the blue - she and her husband had had a good relationship until he had suffered a series of work-related traumatic events, developed PTSD and over the course of a few years become unlivable with (refusing to seek help because he thought it would jeopardise his career). Had this situation developed more slowly and over a longer period of time, she might have had fair warning to take her son and leave before all hell broke loose but it was not possible to leave with him. By the time she realised she had to leave, her son was not interested in coming with her nor in continuing a relationship with her once she had left.