AIBU? DP cancelling weekend away

[Natni]

DP and I had arranged to go away over Easter hols for 3 nights.
We both have kids. I'd arranged for my DC to be with their dad and put in for annual leave at work.
DP has just told me he's to cancel our plans as his DCs mother wants him to look after his kids the same weekend as she wants to go away with friends. He wasn't due to have his DC overnight that weekend (was only supposed to be with them during the day).
I feel pretty annoyed.
Why does his exs social life take precedence over ours??

oh dear Op

if you continue with him, be prepared for this type of thing to always happen

How long have you been with him?

he’s thoughtless
he’s inconsiderate
he’s still in clutches of ex

and i suspect he may not be very enthusiastic about the relationship with you

Or....he cares about his kids, is a good dad and wants to make sure they are cared for when his ex is out of town.

It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. If you are serious about him and your relationship, maybe your best choice would be to support him and ask him how you can both make that weekend fun for the kids.

Perhaps he just want to take every opportunity to spend time with his children, rather than anything to do with the ex. I would totally understand that.

“He wasn't due to have his DC overnight that weekend (was only supposed to be with them during the day).”

Can you explain that a bit more please?
Was it his daytime contact time, and she was actually doing him a favour having them so he could go away with you? And now she’s changed her mind?

If it’s actually his time and his ex has pulled out of an agreement, I could see that not being his fault. Sometimes you have to pick your battles and standing up to that when it was a swap in the first place might not be the right battle.

That seems fair enough. Can you go with a friend instead as you've a child free weekend?

Who was supposed to have them during the day while you were away?

How long have you been together? If its years and this is the first time its happened then YABU. Who had the kids at New Year? Were you able to go away then? In which case it is his wife's turn.

Also how long have they been separated? They may still be figuring this kind of stuff out.

It's very important that he's an attentive, committed dad, but that doesn't mean he doesn't also owe you consideration.

He doesn't seem very invested in this relationship, op, and I wouldn't waste another minute on him.

Actually, reading that again, you haven’t said that he made an agreement with his ex.
This is 5 weeks away still.
Had he actually not arranged it, and assumed she’d have them during his day contact but hadn’t actually asked?
In which case, he’s not in the ex’s “clutches” - just wasn’t organised enough.

Also do you think his cancelling is him cooling on the relationship? Ie has he suggested you move the trip to zmay bank.holidays or just cancel?

Kids are teenagers so can hang out on their own/with friends during the day without it affecting the ex. But they are not old enough to spend the night alone.
As I said they were due to spend the afternoon with their Dad but not overnight.
We're together 3 years and yes it has happened another time.
They've broken up 10+ years ago.

how has the relationship been recently?

he has his teen children for one afternoon every weekend?

How do I see result of the poll? Not seeing it 🙄

why is that important

you are hurt and annoyed

if the poll says you are unreasonable, will that change your feelings?

This is on your DP. He needs to let his ex know well in advance when he is unavailable. And so does the ex - if either are not doing so then you end up with this mess. I would be asking him in future not to agree any plans like this with you until he knows he will not be having the kids. And see if i can get a friend to go with me instead.

@wontforget yeah you're right. I am hurt and frustrated. I feel like I haven't been considered at all. But I'd like to hear others take on it, hence posting here

@SpringCalling yeah he should have been sure before arranging with me. It was his suggestion we go away FFS!!

I could vote: YABU - he wants to see his kids and has put them first. Entirely reasonable of him.
or YANBU - he should honour a prior agreement to go away with you.

Depends on which way you look at it. Only you know your own feelings and what’s acceptable - for you - in a relationship.

I think these things happen.

It is disappointing but he's not putting his ex first he's just trying to keep a good relationship with the covalent and make sure kids are ok

Have you actually booked and paid for the trip?

If it's a one off, i'd be a little annoyed but get over it. but you mentioned it's happened before, if it's too often then you can expect that this will always happen. Once or twice, I'd give him a pass.

Your DP's piss poor planning. Mind you his ex is equally bad. Seems they equally found out they wanted to change the arrangements over Easter when they spoke about it, but she knows your DP will roll over and bend to her will each time. He should of spoken to her first rather than getting your hopes up.
Easter is neither here nor there though, so do the following weekend instead, have it in stone, then book your hols with work.

@Opentooffers sounds like you know them! You're spot on!!

I'm not going to try and change the arrangements now. For one thing, my ex isn't going to want to and I'm not going to ask. And I've other stuff on the week after. But mostly because I actually don't want to. All the good has been taken out of it at this stage. Its just become a hassle

I always think it’s better to be flexible with dc, and roll with it to some degree BUT this would indicate to me with teenagers (not young children) and after 3 years that I am never going to be prioritised and I would probably evaluate the relationship. Not because of this one incident, but because I am not good with being third best after an ex of ten years plus.