Holiday

[goldleg]

I am going on a trip abroad for friends birthday a small group of us. Five ladies and their husbands.
I am dreading it and couldn't get out of it as my friend wouldn't book if I didn't attend she said so I felt pressure.
The other four women are beautiful slim and I am almost 15stone with bad varicose and thread veins and loads of cellulite. It is my fault re fat as I can't get myself in right mindset and now only four weeks away and I look terrible. My oh is slim and good looking. Has strayed in past few years ago but we sorted things out. He still sees other women but not in that way. He almost left but didn't. Thats another story in my life. We are good now but my self esteem and confidence is rock bottom and attendance at this birthday bash has made me feel so bad.
I just feel so bad in so many ways physically mentally emotionally and the other women are talking and buying bikinis and discussing what spa treatments we are all going have etc and what a laugh it will be. It's my worse nightmare as I am ashamed of how I look.
What shall I do 😩😩😩😩

He still sees other women but not in that way what does this mean?

They work for same company

Any advice
I'm dreading it
Why I need to be there I don't know
I hate these sort of events

Is there no way you can get out of this?

What kind of a friend puts the pressure on like this and says they won't book if you don't agree to go? If you had wanted to go, you'd have said yes straightaway, right?

And I'm not surprised your self esteem is so low. Your h has cheated on you? Several times?

Is there a reason you're still with him?

I'm weak and lost my self esteem and very depressed which I keep inside. I am broken

Yes. You are very low.

This holiday does sound hellish. Can you get out of it at all? Explain to your friend.

More importantly, do you think you should stay with your h? He's cheated on you and betrayed you.

I can't do anything but go along with it as my friend will be offended and it's all agreed and I love my oh even though he did betray me previously. Things are better but I am always waiting for the next bombshell. It's like ptsd and so much more to say but can't now.
I am just a shadow of my former self and aged incredibly and not me any more. I hide it well as people think I am happy and bubbly but inside my heart is smashed

OP you don’t have to go.
You're an adult and can make your own decisions. No one can force you onto a plane.

If you would like to lose weight, have you tried SW or similar where you meet up weekly for support etc? Changed my life.

If you are generally happy as you are, can you maybe book a personal shopper to help you choose some clothes for the holiday that flatter your shape and make you feel good?

H is another matter altogether. He sounds like a twat.
💐

Tried it before but gave up and left.

One of our children been off rails for years and severe mental health issues and
Parents ill so I have felt constantly stressed for few years and oh going leave me before I think sometimes I feel what's the point anymore of anything. I need to change this as it's making me very low. I don't feel sorry for myself just very sad and disallusioned and disappointed.
I have forgotten how to be carefree and happy.
A memory that makes me very sad is I was really enjoying watching a dating show love island and had booked to go on a long haul holiday and was revamping appearance losing weight every week doing little beauty treatments and oh was close to playing away and then didn't want to be with me when challenged and I was shocked as I was looking better and now I think what's the point. I bigger than ever. I look terrible.
I am never going look better now as so gross can't see how it's going to improve

I think you dwelling in this when is he going to stray next time is making things worse for you. How about you concentrate on doing something for yourself that makes you feel good about yourself? It might be exercising or beauty related, a new hobby or whatever it is for you. Sometimes it's just a small thing we do for ourselves that has big impact.
Personally I have this approach to my DH that the moment he stops choosing me/our marriage is the moment I walk out. This gives me peace and calmness as it puts the ball on his corner to show his commitment through his actions and behaviour. You cannot change the past but you can concentrate on doing things that make you feel good and take pressure off.

How you look has nothing to do with a cheating skank of a husband. They are going to cheat regardless.

You are suffering from not being in charge of your life. Waiting for the next shit thing to happen. No wonder you feel so lost and depressed. Who wouldn't? It sounds awful.

You have to not worry about offending people by saying, "No, I'm sorry that doesn't work for me." And if they get offended it means they're pissed off they can't bully you into doing what they want you to do.

You can't go through life pleasing others. You really have to start pleasing yourself. You and what you want are really really important and should be prioritised by you.

Have you thought about dumping your h? You might find everything easier without him around, waiting for him to next pull the rug from under you.

Good way to put it

No I can't as love him
But do need to sort out my weight and appearance as don't look good

I hate the thought of this trip as my friends have not seen my body without clothes and it's not a good look!

This isn't about your body op. This is about your life and the holiday shines a light on that.

I think your self esteem would be far better if you lost the husband.

Can you get therapy? It might help you gain sone strength and self worth.

See yourself as a long term project and investment. You are worth it.

You sound lovely, if you were my friend I'd listen to you and understand.

I think there’s a few separate issues to unpack here.

Firstly, if you are unhappy with your weight and health in that sense then the good news is that is completely within your control and you have the power to change it.

Second, regarding the holiday and the appearance of the other women, please please please do not compare yourself to them, and try to change your mindset of “they are so much thinner/prettier etc than me”. As women we are all our greatest critics and we pick ourselves apart worse than anybody else could. I promise you, nobody pays as much attention to your appearance or even cares about your appearance as much as you do. All of us have something we would love to change about ourselves! Before our girls trip to Ibiza last year my friend confessed she had been feeling similar to you, comparing herself and said she was very self conscious of her bigger boobs, I was absolutely gobsmacked as I would kill for her boobs!

Thirdly, your husband, if you are choosing to stay with him after cheating then that is absolutely your choice, but you need to perhaps get some therapy and work on your mindset around that. It sounds as though you still carry that with you quite heavily and not only will that not be good for you but it also won’t be any good for your relationship.

Thankyou

I feel better reading this as I feel like I can't do anything about me but I can.

I think before I sensed my oh was distracted so tried very hard to improve myself and when I found out he was distracted he almost left but changed mind. I never got over that as I was already doing everything I could at home to keep things happy and then trying to look better and l then he still didn't want me in that moment. It made me feel worthless.
I couldn't do anymore at that time to improve things as was really doing my best

Honestly, you can do whatever you set your mind to!

The first thing you need to accept though is that you have to want to make a change for yourself, not your husband. Once a cheat always a cheat, if he wants to stray then he will, it doesn’t matter whether you’re a size 6 with flawless skin and perfect teeth or a size 16 with wrinkles and no teeth, if a man wants to cheat then he will and there is honestly nothing you can do to stop him. You need to just accept that.

If YOU are unhappy with the way you look then absolutely work at changing it, but do it for yourself, for your own self confidence and self esteem. Lose weight, eat better, look after yourself better, but don’t do it because you think that will make him stay loyal, it won’t, just do it for yourself!

Yeah you are right.
Need to do things for myself.
Will start
Thankyou

Wow, OP, I'm so sorry you're in this place, it sounds unbearably painful.

Would it cost you a lot of money if you cancelled the holiday?

Would your husband be very resistant to the idea of cancelling?

You could talk to your friend to say you're in a really dark place right now and just can't be the fun holiday friend she needs you to be, and ask her to try and understand that. (You don't need to go into all the self-loathing issues - sounds like you have plenty going on in your life as it is to justify needing to stay home.) And if she's not listening to you that tells you something about the friendship.

The reason I'm pushing a bit on whether you can get out of this is that I've been in a similar position, and years later I've looked back on things that I put myself through for the sake of not rocking the boat and thought, "God, I was in such bad shape, I can't believe I put myself through that instead of pulling the ripcord.")

Clearly your husband's infidelity has left a deep scar on you and the marriage. Sounds like you need to address your trauma around that with a therapist. It's hard to imagine how you're every going to feel safe with him again, but I recognise that LTB is a helluva lot harder said than done.

You sound to me as if you're in a full-on depression. Might be worth seeing if that's the case, and also perhaps see if there are any health issues that are dragging you down. Vitamin D deficiency, low thyroid, peri menopause maybe?

OP if you were my friend I would give you the biggest hug, a hug so tight it would feel like I was helping hold you together. This is not about your weight or how you look, it's about how you feel about yourself, it's about how someone you love treated you so carelessly. I think you should consider counseling, but find someone who has experience in infidelity trauma, you should have a read about post infidelity stress disorder too, it's like PTSD after a partner is unfaithful so depression, anxiety, hyper-vigilance symptoms that present after PTSD. I have been in similar circumstances where my now ex-DP (dickhead partner rather than darling) cheated with a co-worker and then after discovery they both stayed in the company, knowing he was seeing her at work almost killed me, it felt like we never stood a chance for recovery as she was always in the background. I was hyper aware that I could never express any real sadness or anger at his infidelity because if I did he was seeing her 40 hours a week without any of that stress, she was a refuge for him from how I reacted to him being unfaithful. I lost myself at that time, I felt brittle, just angry, sad and broken.

In the short term could you go to your GP, explain the situation and get a medical cert that you cannot travel, so you can back out of the holiday. My GP was a godsend for me during this time and really supported me in my self care. Whatever happens I wish you well and know that you did not deserve this treatment from your DP and I wish you had kinder friends.

Thankyou for your lovely supportive post. It means a lot.
Sorry for what you have been through too.

You are right I am depressed and have been for a few years.
I need help as life passing by fast.
Things are not right anymore and I need to sort it.
Thankyou for your message and support.

This is exactly true as my oh has contact three days a week and sometimes there are work meetings at least twice a month evening and recently a work conference overnight.
Very very hard as relationship was not fully pursued with her as I found out in early days but they did go out for
Meal on own and I think a couple of other meet ups as mates that he doesn't know I know about.
I am to scared to bring up as few years back and sorted so didn't ask everything as like opening up more pain.