Holiday

[goldleg]

I am going on a trip abroad for friends birthday a small group of us. Five ladies and their husbands.
I am dreading it and couldn't get out of it as my friend wouldn't book if I didn't attend she said so I felt pressure.
The other four women are beautiful slim and I am almost 15stone with bad varicose and thread veins and loads of cellulite. It is my fault re fat as I can't get myself in right mindset and now only four weeks away and I look terrible. My oh is slim and good looking. Has strayed in past few years ago but we sorted things out. He still sees other women but not in that way. He almost left but didn't. Thats another story in my life. We are good now but my self esteem and confidence is rock bottom and attendance at this birthday bash has made me feel so bad.
I just feel so bad in so many ways physically mentally emotionally and the other women are talking and buying bikinis and discussing what spa treatments we are all going have etc and what a laugh it will be. It's my worse nightmare as I am ashamed of how I look.
What shall I do 😩😩😩😩

Today is the day you start being true to yourself sweetheart. No more people pleasing - just to put yourself through hell to please others.

Set yourself small goals to start. I always think exercise is a good way forward, so many benefits. Book some indulgent treatments, a facial or a massage. You have to believe you are so worth it and your self esteem will improve. You sound lovely - I truly wish you all of life’s riches.

There’s no ‘have to go’ at all, absolutely none. If you don’t want to go, and it sounds as if you definitely don’t want to go….don’t! From your perspective it sounds like hell on wheels from whoa to go, why put yourself through it? Be true to yourself and excuse yourself from the holiday invitation.

This sounds like hell

are these friends the type of friends that you can approach and say look I’m feeling crap about myself, I’m not happy with how I look or how I feel. Genuine friends would go all out to to support you and build your esteem. They would ensure that on the break you are respected if you need to away from the bigger group.

your husband is a complete arsehole and has destroyed uou. Do they know this?

When is the holiday and how long for? If it's a couple of days then I'd probably go but please make sure there's something in it for you! As someone else suggested personal shoppers can work wonders get some nice new clothes you feel good in. Book some spa treatments and buy a new book. If it's longer I'd consider cancelling but tell your friend the real reason why- that you feel shit about yourself because your Husband has completely destroyed you.

Either way please start by getting therapy ASAP. You need to get to the bottom of why you keep choosing this man. You say you 'love' him but sounds like you have him on some sort of pedestal. Good looking, high earner? Funny? He's still an arsehole and not worthy of your love. He's killing your self esteem more every day. I bet there's a huge backstory of other things he says and does that undermine you. All these people saying 'just lose weight'..It's very hard when you are rock bottom and an emotional eater. You need to get your mindset in a better place first. Please use this as a wake up call to start the rest of your life.

Lots of good advice, however if the holiday is soon I would personally get a salon tan 2 days before, buy 2 pretty sarongs (these will be your best friend's) get a mani or pedi or if budget does not allow this there are some lovely gel like nail polishes get a bright colour or maybe whitewhich seems to be trending at the moment, some white flip flops to show off your lovely tanned feet, a toe ring,a pair of pretty boho type sandals possibly with beads that maybe tie at the ankle, a white cheese clothy flowy skirt or split leg white trousers, a flowy kind of black shift dress for evening, black linen shorts with a long white thin beach shirt, huge sunglasses, and a gorgeous beach bag and hat. Also some lovely cover ups, you get the idea. Take a good book so if you get overwhelmed you can sit in the shade reading. When asked what you want to drink order a glamorous cocktail. If budget allows get to boots and ask for a make up session maybe with no 7 and say you want a beachy sun-kissed face, maybe a bb cream with high spf a bright lip and also a gloss. Get some subtle eyelash extensions and waterproof mascara and water proof eyeshadow. Also get you hair done and take some kind of glossy hair serum. All the clothes don't need to be expensive think matalan,boo hoo,next,Florence and Fred etc. Most importantly try and enjoy yourself, omg I wish I was coming with you you will look and feel a million dollars. You can tackle the Weight and self esteem issue when you get back.
Don't put yourself down hun

When I say a salon tan I mean a fake one.

This is the best advice x

I think people have already highlighted the deeper issues, and it may not be possible to back out of this trip, as I presume it’s all paid for now. So if you are going I would invest in some good swimwear- go to bravissimo or somewhere similar, where they do cup size swimwear etc they will help you choose something that fits well. They are patient and gives you a chance to try on different styles to see what feels best.
It sounds like your weight is getting you down (I know this feeling well) so if you have 4 weeks you could start now, 2 lb per week would be 8lb. Both WW and SW have online classes if going in person isn’t your thing.
I know posters are encouraging you to think twice about your marriage, but you have said that you want to stay, and that’s ok OP. However I think taking care of yourself is important, sounds like you spend a lot of time thinking about everyone else’s needs. Lastly, your friend wants you to go on holiday because you are the person she is looking forward to spending time with- and that’s not about your size, it’s about your personality and you are obviously fun to be around. She was misguided in putting pressure on you to go on the holiday, but I’m sure there is more to the friendship than this one aspect.

What a nightmare. You have a lot on your plate at the moment with your DH recent shit behaviour that you’re going to need to process in your own time in your own way. Hopefully some of the PPs advice will help you with that.

A true friend wouldn’t pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t tell you that they won’t go somewhere that is basically for their enjoyment unless you go too. That is incredibly manipulative because they are saying unless you comply and make yourself miserable you will be responsible for spoiling it for everyone else. That’s bullshit. I’m sure you’re a lovely person (you seem to be to me) but I doubt your presence is essential to them having a good time.

Given the manipulation, I would let them think they’ve succeeded in bullying you in to going and then announce explosive diarrhoea the day before. Stay at home and work out what you want to do about your relationship.

I hope things get a bit easier for you soon

A couple of weeks ago I was out for a group meal and started chatting to 2 ladies I didn’t know we’ll. Both were pretty and I always though much more together than me. Both were having massive issues & we’re struggling it made me realise we all put on a facade and no one’s life is as perfect as we image x
You my lovely OP are spending too much time worrying about the what’s ifs instead of focusing on you.
We can’t control other people only ourselves and how we behave.
Your h poor judgement is because he’s a weak selfish man. It’s nothing to do with you.
Id talk to this friend if she’s genuine she will move mountains to make you feel comfortable. Sometimes the holidays we are dreading turn about to be best.
The best times I’ve had are not those that are perfect, but the ones were we relax , let go and enjoy the adventure

It wasn't fair of your friend to pressure you into doing something you didn't want to do. That was selfish of her.

Although, it sounds like your friends really want you to be there, and enjoy your company. Good friends don't judge you based on how you look. People who judge you on how you look don't deserve to be friends.

I do understand feeling self conscious, even in front of non-judgemental friends. You are 4 weeks out, and there is a lot you can do in 4 weeks if you want to. But not because you want to impress your friends or keep your husband's attention - just for yourself.

You can get a lovely haircut, revamp your make up 'look', get some new clothes that make you feel good, start a diet and exercise plan, think about old hobbies you'd like to revive or new ones you'd like to start, maybe enrol on an evening course, start a daily walk, join a hiking group. Things that will make you feel better about yourself, improve your health and fitness, widen your social circle, and help you to stop focussing on the physical.

In the meantime, if you don't want to go on the holiday, you don't have to. Be honest with yourself, and prioritise your own feelings over your friends' feelings (any good friend would totally understand that, given the headspace you're in).

And finally, you deserve better than your DH. Perhaps if you start on a journey of improving how you feel about yourself, you might decide that you're better off without him. But you don't have to think about that right now if you don't want to.

Thankyou to you all.
So supportive and kind.
Really appreciate you all taking time to give me advice and feedback.

There's some great advice on this thread from some very kind and caring people. OP, hope you are able to find a way forward that is right for you. Have faith in yourself, you can change this situation.

I know exactly how you feel, I was in a similar position a few year's ago.
I'm ashamed to say I didn't take my passport and pretended at the check-in that I had lost or forgotten it and went home.
My story was I must have lost it on the way to the airport, so couldn't replace it in time to get a later flight.
The loss of the cost of the holiday was nothing compared to the embarrassment I would have suffered.