He thinks work is harder than being at home with the kids

[kittykat2000]

Hi just wanted people’s opinions on something for peace of mind please because I feel like I’m in the right and my partner feels like he is in the right and it’s driving me crazy 😄.
so my partner had a night shift at work on Friday night, he went up to bed that afternoon around 1:30pm went on his phone for an hour then went to sleep, got up at 6pm showered came down for his dinner before leaving at 7:20pm for work. After his night shift he’s come home and gone to bed to sleep around 8:30am and slept until 3/3:30pm sometimes he sleeps until around 5pm. Anyways of a weekend when he’s not working we normally take turns at having a lie in because we have 4 kids so obviously one has to be up with them. I had a lie in until 10:15am on the Sunday as he’d slept prior to his night shift and after his night shift so he’d slept in total about 11ish hours whereas I’d had 7. So this morning (Monday) he’s been really funny with me saying how tired he is and that it should have been him that had the sleep in on Sunday and not me because he had done a night shift? Which has really annoyed me and then he’s proceeded to say that I’ve been off all week at home and he’s been in work. Now I’m a student nurse and have actually been on placement this past week and the kids have been on half term and 2 year old off nursery as he’s been unwell. So I was in on Monday and had to take the rest of the week off to take care of our kids while he’s gone to work. So he’s complaining that basically I’ve been at home with 3 of our 4 kids one of which has autism so can be really hard to deal with, so I’ve been able to rest which is completely absurd as anyone who has kids will know. But also the fact that it’s me that’s had to call in sick to take care of them etc and he’s not done that and gone to work. Just want to add in as well, on days that he’s at home with the kids while I’m on placement he messages me saying how awful they have been how he’s fed up and can’t cope etc, and I’ll come home to a messy house no dishes done no washing done no one’s had dinner, so I have to then do all that and his excuse is “well I’ve had the kids to look after haven’t had time to do any of those things”………So just want peoples opinions really because I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall defending myself against his accusations that I basically don’t deserve a sleep in and staying at home with sick kids it’s easier than going to work

He’s being ridiculous.
Your children have two parents not one whose responsibility it is to look after them.
That said school calendars come out months in advance , so you’ve notice when childcare will be needed. This should help you both jointly plan

I think the pair of you need to grow the fuck up. Sharpish.

Yes, looking after kids at home is hard work. But working nightshifts messes with your body and sleep in a way that you cannot possibly understand if you haven't done it regularly.

Yeah I kind of agree with this tbh.

Normally I would totally agree that going to work is a ‘nice break’ from looking after young kids. But it’s a whole different thing if night shifts are being worked.

So does not getting any sleep when you are with the kids all night. Perhaps you are the one who needs to grow the fuck up. He should have also taken time off to care for the kids.

Excuse me, I’m a student nurse I work night shifts, I have to get up pick the kids up get on with life. He’s done one night shift. I think you need to grow the fuck up making comments like that

I work night shift I don’t really see what your point is, he’s had a 4 hour sleep before his night shift and a 7 hour sleep after his night shift and is also expecting to have a sleep in the day after that I mean how many days does he want after one night shift. I get told I’m more used to being tired than he is blah blah, I’m a human I need sleep also

I'm not the one indulging in competitive tiredness, bickering with my husband and running off whining to mumsnet.

Tell him that he clearly needs more practice at being tired then!

He’s having a great time telling you that things are hard if he does them but become magically easy when you do them!

Hardly whining is it asking other peoples perspective? I mean what are u doing on here reading posts if you have nothing nice or productive to say you sad sad person

I'm sure you're both shattered, but he can't have it both ways. It's either hard staying home with the kids, or it isn't. It's not only hard when he does it 😂

If you’re both going to continue working nightshifts then you need to sit down and have a mature conversation. Competitive tiredness is never good in a relationship. It also sounds like you need to have a conversation about division of housework and childcare etc.

This.

It is hard looking after small children when you are tired and working long hours . Particularly when shifts are concerned - and I think some sympathy /empathy is due. However, you aren't doing yourself any favours with your snappy responses on here - and it does make one wonder about the level of communication between yourself and your partner . It's not good for your children if they are living in an atmosphere where their parents are constantly digging at each other .

You asked for people's perspectives. I gave you mine.

Competitive tiredness is pointless. Even if everyone on the thread agrees with you, how will that help? You need to sit down with your husband and have a grown up conversation about who does what.

Oh this is a proper cat fight 😂

Both are tiring, kids are energy sapping creatures, nights shifts are really though on your body clock and quality of sleep / recovery is reduced.
Conversation, communication and a little team work is needed. Why can't or won't he take time off when there are illnesses, you won't pass your course surely if you take too much time off placement?

Both are hard work, it’s not a competition. And lying in bed when both parties are tired til 10.15 is a bit of a piss take, why don’t you just both go to bed earlier and then you won’t have to whine about who is more tired.

Stop bickering. You both chose to have 4 kids and work with complicated hours. Start being a team and don’t waste time scrapping.

It is bonkers that he's out of action for 27 hours (1.30pm-3.30pm the next day) from one shift. Then complains he deserves the lie in.

How old are all 4 children? I think something has to give OP. How have you got to having 4 kids? I say this as a single mum that worked nights and looked after DC too.

Your jobs don't sound suitable and night shifts can well make some people very moody indeed. Long term is this what you want working opposite shifts? You both would be like passing ships!

Pretty much.

Your issue is thinking that you can both cope with having 4 young DC's and both working shifts. You are attempting to do it all, and finding out you can't.
This is why not many would consider working full time while having 4 young DC's unless can afford a live-in nanny or have very obliging family support.

I don't know why people have 4 kids and then proceed to moan about how hard it all is.

Lots of variables really, one easy child or triplets that are a handful, job is low key no stress or he's a bomb disposal officer.

In your circumstances I'd say you deserved the lie in.

She can only be a team if he's willing to be 50% of the team. She can't really be a team of one.

What you need to do is have a short break away somewhere on your own. A city break or something like that, or go and stay with a friend or family member. Three days should just about do it. Three days of looking after four kids on his own will make him realise that it isn't the piece of piss he thinks it is.